Back Porch

Welcome to The Dugout generation 3 - FanHouse Backporch edition. I'm happy to be working with the people in this section now, because it gives the strip a more obviously comedic, less newsbite-oriented environment within to prosper. It also gets me away from psychotic Yankees fans who think that every sentence they read is a serious, literal truth, and that one guy who googles "Mark McGwire" or whatever every three months and gets defensive. Also, I run an exponentially smaller chance of being called an idiot for my opinions when my comic is sandwiched between womens soccer updates and liveblogging of the World Checkers Championships.

Today's Dugout is after the jump. Warning: it will give you nightmares.

Richard Sandomir of the New York Times reports that on Monday producers will announce plans to take a play based on the life of Vince Lombardi to Broadway. The play, adapted by a Packers fan, will be based on David Maraniss's respected Lombardi bio When Pride Still Mattered, a tome considered more nuanced than you'd expect given the mythical aura surrounding the legendary coach.

Sadly, Lombardi will not be a musical, leaving open the gaping void of football-based showtunes in our cruel world. No beads on who will play the icon, and I'm afraid we won't be able to convince David Cross to put on 75 pounds to take the role. Sandomir reports the play could hit Broadway in late 2010. Time to open up a Wisconsin-to-NYC tour bus service, entrepreneurs.

KILLEEN, Tex. -- The scene here at Leo Buckley Stadium late Friday night was reminiscent of most high school football venues across the country, as the Shoemaker Grey Wolves dealt with the reality their season was over.

Tears were shed, hugs were exchanged between players, coaches and players, coaches and coaches. Then the coaches thanked the seniors for great effort.

But this was no ordinary season-finale ritual for the Grey Wolves. Just over 24 hours earlier, many of them weren't sure if their parents or loved ones were injured -- or worse, killed -- in the deadly shooting rampage at Fort Hood, the nation's largest military base.

Pardon the pun, but the Morgan Middle School football team just gained a huge advantage over future opponents when 7-foot-4 Brendan Adams joined their team.

At just 14-years-old, Brendan is listed by the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest teenage boy in the world. Brendan told Melissa Luck, an executive producer for KXLY4 in Spokane, Wash., "It was my 12th chromosome that broke in half and flipped over and reattached," although doctors have not yet diagnosed what exactly caused his rapid growth after birth.

While Luck's story does go into the medical details of Brendan's condition, he also told her that football is his favorite sport despite his mother previously prohibiting him from playing the game.

It certainly doesn't suck to be Sasha Vujacic. After hitching his star to Kobe Bryant, he and the rest of his teammates became the envy of the NBA, helping the Lakers win their 15th championship in franchise history. And now? After reportedly hooking up with Maria Sharapova, he's become the envy of men, period.

Before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I should note that Sharapova has yet to be seen at a Staples Center courtside seat wearing a Vujacic jersey (they sell those, right?), but the two were seen "cuddling up" in public at a recent U2 concert, as reported by CNBC's Darren Rovell. Clearly, that's enough to go on, right? OK, maybe not, but whatever is going on, Vujacic is in no hurry to set the record straight.

Elizabeth Lambert has been suspended from the New Mexico women's soccer program after a stunning series of cheap shots in a game against BYU that included hitting, kicking, shoving and pulling the hair of opposing players.

Elizabeth Lambert is a New Mexico women's soccer player who turned the BYU vs. New Mexico game in the Mountain West Conference Tournament this week into a brawl.

Lambert was seen elbowing, pushing, pulling hair and kicking BYU players in one of the most shocking displays of dirty play you'll ever see. BYU won the game 1-0, and BYU freshman forward Carlee Payne, who scored the only goal, said afterward that it was a rough game:

Hoop Dreams was a simple, low-budget documentary about two high school basketball players in Chicago. But on the 15th anniversary of the film's release, Roger Ebert is hailing it as the great American documentary.

No, don't freak out -- Thom Yorke won't be doing any left-turned sprints around a dirt track as a jockey whips his hide this weekend (at least not that I can confirm and/or report anyway), and his band doesn't actually doesn't even horse in the race either, as it might seem easy to insinuate.

Instead, it's just a horse named Radiohead, which is still pretty awesome from a pop culture perspective (and certainly better than being stuck in the desert on a horse with no name anyway).

I guess it was only a matter of time. You can now place wagers on who the next Redskins' head coach will be. Though there is nothing official from the Redskins that they'll definitely terminate Jim Zorn at or before the conclusion of the season, online betting place Play Blackjack Online has compiled a list with odds of possible coaching candidates.