The Debriefing: SchruteBucks XXVIII

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

+43,500, Steelers @ Patriots



In the biggest games of the season to this point -- Colts vs. Patriots and Cowboys vs. Packers -- the hype felt processed and pre-packaged. In both instances, the teams had identical records and there was an unofficial title (Super Bowl favorite, or NFC favorite, respectively) at stake. The hype came ready-made. It was all very tidy. Like a McDonalds hamburger.

This Sunday's Steelers vs. Patriots game has some hype building for it, too; particularly with the "Steelers will win" bandwagon that's gaining so much steam. But it doesn't feel like the previous two colossal matchups. It is, I believe, the first game in SchruteBuck history to earn SchruteBucks before the game.

The hype for this one is a little more organic. It's a sloppy, dirty, nasty, filthy, "I don't like you, you don't like me, so let's get out here and scrap until one of can't get up" kind of a game. The hype for this one is raw. It's not a McDonalds hamburger ... it's one of those big, greasy, ugly houseburgers that your mama used to make you (naughty language, and one of the funniest things ever captured on film can be found at that link).

There are not identical records, and there's no unofficial title at stake. If the Patriots win, their status is unchanged, and if the Steelers win, with three losses, I doubt there'd be a great rush to crown them as the best team in the AFC. This is game not about anything that could be summed up so neatly ... the Steelers think the Patriots are soft and that they can punch them in the mouth, and the Patriots are sitting back and saying, "Well, we'll just see about that."

In my mind, it's the third-biggest game of the NFL year to this point ... but in terms of the pregame noise, it ranks #1.

-400, The New England Patriots

Their response to Anthony Smith's guarantee was basically, "Oh, we're above that sort of thing." A sampling of responses follow.

Tom Brady:

"Well done is better than well said. That's been the motto of the team."

Ty Warren:

"I don't know Anthony Smith."

Junior Seau:

"That wouldn't happen in this locker room. It just wouldn't. We won't allow it. We don't talk."

Well, aren't you a noble bunch of lads, upholding the dignity and integrity of sport with your clean and pure choir boy mouths. The Patriots are just waaaaay too classy to ever do such a thing.

They will, however, run play action passes on 4th downs in the 4th quarter when they're up by over 30 points. They will, after winning a playoff game, spend the next 20 minutes dancing on the opponents logo at midfield, mocking the team they just beat. The head coach will, if you beat him, pout like a Girl Scout who can't sell any Do-Si-Dos. He'll also, you know ... cheat.

None of the individual responses to Smith's guarantee seem out of line ... it just amsses me when the Patriots "take the high road." It's like getting a lecture on unprotected sex from Travis Henry.

+9,000, Jason Kidd

Reports out of New Jersey said that Jason Kidd faked a migraine headache as a way of "striking" to show his displeasure with Nets management. Kidd says the migraine was real. I'm choosing to believe that he was faking, because it's more fun that way.

I choose this route also because if I was Jason Kidd, I'd do the same thing. I'd call in sick with a migraine today ... tomorrow, I'd call in sick with an unidentified blue fungus on my little toe. The next day, it would be an inflamed belly-button. The day after, I'm farting out of my eyeballs. I woke up with a mermaid tail, a rare strain of anal gonorrhea, and dangerously pointy ears that could harm my fellow teammates and competitors would follow.

If Jason Kidd feels like the Nets aren't putting him in a position where he can win ... better to pipe up about it now than to sit quietly for years and years while the team wastes him. He's a player, he gets paid, blah blah blah ... but honestly, who benefited from Kevin Garnett's miserable tenure in Minnesota? Who benefits if Kidd can't prosper in New Jersey?

Maybe he's being a prima donna ... but in some cases, that's just being practical.

+225,000, Washington Redskins ... and by extension, -225,000, Me.

I mentioned yesterday that I thought it might be a good idea to place a wager on the Bears for last night's game, given all that the Redskins had been through this week (namely getting just one day of practice and the entire team burying a friend and teammate). If you don't remember it, or didn't read that particular part ... nevermind, I'm making this up, and please move on to the next section.

Otherwise, I trust that you're not relying on anything I say here to help you with decisions about your financial future.

The 'Skins lost to the Bills last week, but didn't play poorly, and probably should have won. I thought this week would be even harder for them ... maybe it was, and they just handled it like champs.

Anyway, I should have known better. It's impossible to predict how a team's going to react when faced with such unusual and emotional circumstances. On the surface, it makes sense that they'd be overwhelmed, emotionally spent, and ready to wilt when gametime rolled around, but under circumstances this unprecedented, I guess nothing should make sense.

You'll see sometimes when a star player goes down with an injury, there's kind of a short-term boost where the entire team will pick it up. Maybe this is the same principle at work, just on a much bigger and more emotional scale. I don't know.

I admire them. If I watch a 2-hour movie, and a character that I love dies in the end, I'm worthless for about the next week. I can't imagine being so productive in the wake of what happened. As much of a beating as Joe Gibbs took last week, maybe he deserves some credit for guiding the team through this and keeping their performance at a very respectable level through two unfathomably difficult weeks.

+10,000, Todd Collins

On the other hand, maybe emotion didn't play any role in the Redskins win last night .. maybe it was just the pure, cold, hard, X's and O's fact that the Chicago Bears have no answer for the vaunted Collins-to-Yoder connection.

Jason Campbell left the game with an injury or two, and Todd Collins (pictured to the above right, showing you the size of his balls) stepped in, then stepped all over the Chicago Bears. He was 15-for-20 for 224 yards and 2 touchdowns, including a strike to Todd Yoder ... yes, thee Todd Yoder. It is Yoder's 7th reception since 2005. That is not an NFL record.

+2,000, Bernard Berrian

Had Bernard Berrian not been in the line-up for the Bears last night, they might have been completely without good players ... and almost certainly would've been without touchdowns. Berrian often looks like a guy who would be a star, if he was on a team that employed a quarterback.



-85,000, Arkansas Razorbacks

This is what happens when a team gets an inflated view of their place in national football landscape ... they end up firing a successful coach in Houston Nutt, overestimating the appeal of their own head coaching job, and then end up getting a "thanks, but no f'ing way" from their top three choices for a replacement.

Tommy Bowden said no, Tommy Tuberville said no, now Jim Grobe's said no ... this is how teams end up doing things like begging Lloyd Carr to take their job.

I'm not saying that's going to happen, but if it did, Arkansas would deserve it. In 10 years, Houston Nutt took Arkansas to 8 bowl games, was 18-8 over the last two seasons, and just beat the #1 team in the country. '04 and '05 were lean years (the only two were Nutt failed to be .500 or better), but -- and this is key -- it's Arkansas we're talking about.

Nothing against them, but if the fans are expecting to be a powerhouse like USC or Ohio State, they should probably try to kick their mescaline habit. I'm not saying they can't get there, or that they should settle for where they are ... but that kind of thing takes time. With all the power teams in the SEC, finishing where Arkansas has been able to finish isn't such a bad thing. It's something you can build on.

Then they fire the guy who got them there, and act surprised when other coaches say, "Man, Houston Nutt was able to accomplish a lot at Arkansas, and they fired him? Maybe that's not such a great job to have."

Chan Gailey, John L. Smith, Barry Switzer, Lloyd Carr ... stay by your phones.

-105,000, NBA Coaches

The NBA gave itself the right to put microphones on all of their coaches during nationally televised games, something that the coaches were none too happy about. Pat Riley bitched, Gregg Popovich bitched, Phil Jackson bitched, Flip Murray bitched ... and even those who didn't go so far as to bitch weren't thrilled with it.

I don't get their beef. NFL coaches have worn microphones for a very, very, long time ... and with those microphones on, I'm sure they've said a ton of things they'd never want me to hear, and guess what ... I've never heard them. No comments will be played live, they'll be screened by both the TV people and by NBA people ... most of the time, the most lively thing we're going to hear is something like, "Hey, we've got to pick it up on the defensive end."

Now, the NBA is also giving itself the right to put cameras in locker rooms and use them during pregames, halftimes, and postgames ... that, to me, is weird, invasive, and unfair. The locker room is kind of a sanctuary. When you're on the floor, like it or not, you're in the entertainment business. When you're in the privacy of a locker room, you're a person ... a person who sometimes needs to be nude or to do various other things you wouldn't do in front of 15,000 people.

But the microphones? Get over it. If the NBA were to do it as well as the NFL does it, it could be a tremendous thing. During games, I don't expect to get much from it ... but those NFL Films shows where you have a coach mic'd up? Those are fantastic. They're the reason I love Jon Gruden.

Once upon a time, I couldn't stand the guy. But I saw this NFL Films feature once, where a veteran wide receiver on the Bucs asked Gruden why he was being so hard on one of the rookie wide receivers. Gruden said something like, "You know, the average stay of a coach in one place in this league is three years. Three years, that's all we get ... so I said, 'I'm gonna (bleep) with the rookies a little bit,' is that alright with you?"

And I've been a Gruden fan ever since. Maybe mandatory microphones on coaches will give NBA fans a reason, any kind of a reason, to someday like Isiah Thomas.

For the Scrapbook ...

THIS IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE FIGURE SKATE.

Yesterday's MVP

Joe Johnson. He did this:

Yesterday's Sad Sack

Reggie Bush. Some interesting things are happening with Reggie Bush in New Orleans, as chronicled thoughtfully and thoroughly here by Tom Mantzouranis. Reggie's taken a lot of criticism from a lot of people outside New Orleans ... but now it might be the case that the people of New Orleans are turning on him, too. I don't know why, but I find that sad.

I don't have much to add that isn't already covered by Tom (in fact, he should probably be the MVP instead of Reggie being the Sad Sack), and there are certainly legitimate, on-field reasons for fans to be upset with Bush ... but you can't be pissed off at the guy for making commercials.

If a company offers him millions to show up one day, and shoot a commercial ... you want to begrudge him that? Come on, who wouldn't take that opportunity? I'd endorse Hurricane Malt Liqour as a cure for breast cancer if the price was right.

NFL careers are short, and nothing's guaranteed. If you can make money by letting people film you eating a sandwich with Jared or getting yelled at by Jon Lovitz ... do it and don't look back.

However, Reggie Bush being careless on the field, fumbling too often, dropping passes, not concentrating, etc ... all that's open for discussion.

For Those Who Admire the Female Form ...

Today, we stop with the gratuitous skin, and stop to appreciate the magnificent natural mountain ranges in Portugal.

The Evening's Agenda

Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

8:00, ESPN2. NCAA Football Championship Subdivision Semifinal. Richmond @ Appalachian State. This game might be okay, but to be honest with you, I'd rather just watch three hours of pundits arguing over who's better and then decide things with a vote.

9:00, NBC. Friday Night Lights. God speed, Landry.

Other Stuff ...

7:00, ESPN. NBA. Chicago Bulls @ Detroit Pistons.
7:30, ESPNU. Women's College Soccer. Final Four: UCLA vs. USC.
8:00, Fox Soccer. MISL Soccer. Philadelphia Kixx @ Milwaukee Wave.
9:30, ESPN. NBA. Utah Jazz @ San Antonio Spurs.