The Debriefing: SchruteBucks XXX

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

I've been waiting a long time for SchruteBucks XXX ... when it eventually rolled around, I had planned to make it an all-porno edition. But that wouldn't feel right, since it's so close to Christmas, and so many of you are already asking Santa Claus for hardcore, barely legal porno this year.

So, to celebrate the season ... nothing but positive SchruteBucks this week. There's not a lump of coal in the bunch. Enjoy the positivity.



+4,500, Najeh Davenport

The NFL's leading rusher had his leg snapped last night, and that's going to make it difficult for him to be an effective running back the rest of the year.

And conventional wisdom suggests that when a team loses the NFL's leading rusher, their running game will suffer. I don't know if that's the case in Pittsburgh.

It's nothing against Parker ... he's got more yards than anyone else for a reason. But here's the thing about the Steelers. If they're going to gain 30 yards ... they'd rather get that on six carries than on one. If it's six plays, it eats more clock, it punishes the opposing defense, it lets the Steelers defense rest ... it's Steeler football. Control the ball and punish.

Najeh Davenport is absolutely capable of being a lead back. He'll probably never lead the league in rushing, and he might not be what he once was, however ... he can still get low and squeeze out those tough yards. And when Najeh Davenport gets low and squeezes, it's punishing. Nightmarishly punishing.

Sean Salisbury disagrees with me, but I don't think the Steelers miss a beat here. Maybe they lose a big play here and there, but if it helps them a little bit in the areas of clock control and wearing down a defense, I think they'll make that trade.

Now, whether or not the Steelers have the offensive line to execute such a gameplan is a different story, but ... if the Steelers don't get what they want or expect out of the season, I don't think it's going to be because of the difference between Parker and Davenport.

+10,020, The San Diego County Credit Union

If I ever find myself living in San Diego County, and I need a good credit union, it's damn sure going to be the San Diego County Credit Union, because no other credit union in San Diego County can put on a bowl game like the folks at the San Diego County Credit Union. Word is bond.

Navy and Utah played quite the entertaining game last night, despite Rece Davis and Lou Holtz giving the game the Pro Bowl treatment, saying things like, "See, these guys really do want to win!" It's never a good sign when the commentators have to convince the viewers that they're being entertained. Something tells me that we'd never hear things like that in an actual playoff game, but what the hell ... we're all probably better off just being excited when Rece Davis tells us to.

Utah went up by 10 with about 90 seconds left to play ... and as Rece Davis shifted into "This game is over, let's start telling cute stories about the players" mode, Navy scored on their longest passing play of the season. On the ensuing onside kick, a fellow named Singleton yanked the ball out of the hands of a Utah guy ... and I'm sorry Utah guy, but looked like Mr. Singleton wanted that ball way more than you did.

Navy ended up losing anyway, but ... I think the San Diego County Credit Union Pointsettia Bowl reached an appropriate level of excitement. And don't forget! Home loans! 3/1 ARM! 4.500%² (+2 points)! 5.719% APR! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

+1,000,000, Stuart Scott

In fact, we should just go ahead and give Stuart Scott an ATM card that entitles him to unlimited SchruteBucks, just on the off chance that SchruteBucks can cure cancer.

Scott was undergoing an emergency appendectomy when doctors found that cancer was going boo-yah all up in his appendix and surrounding tissue.

It's just a word you hate to see attached to anyone's name, no matter how much you do or don't enjoy their poetry slams on SportsCenter. Not that there's any good time to hear a diagnosis like that, but especially at this time of year ... ick. Here's wishing all the best to Stuart Scott.

The good news is that, as far as cancers go, it seems like one of the better ones to have. He's due for a round of chemotherapy later this winter, and then doctors expect him to make a full recovery. I'm sure that a guy like Stu has a solid support system around him, too ... so, you know, it's bad news, obviously, but it could be worse. Be well, Stu.

+1,000, Terrell Owens

All the talk about Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo, and Terrell Owens this week has been so senseless. Owens says the team doesn't like Jessica, Jessica gets mad at Owens, Tony Romo's caught in the middle, Owens says he was just joking ... come on, hasn't anyone in the Dallas locker room seen Chasing Amy?

That's the way to fix this. Maybe it didn't work in the movie, because Joey Lauren Adams suddenly turned into a prude at the end, but I think Holden had a solid concept. It might have worked.

Listen, I'm not sure that any quarterback/wide receiver relationship can work if the quarterback and the receiver don't have an open, sharing, "What's mine is yours" type of relationship. It's time to break down some walls, open the lines of communication, and let nature take its course. Tony, Terrell, you guys are friends anyway ... it's not like we're asking Rick Derris to get involved here.

It's natural. It's beautiful. It would help get the Cowboys to the Super Bowl. And if not, it would at least outsell the Paris Hilton sex tape.

+35,000, Alonzo Mourning

With his career likely over, it would be nice if I could honestly tell you that I've ever liked Alonzo Mourning ... but that wouldn't quite be the truth.

To me, he's always sort of seemed like the Curt Schilling of basketball. A great player and a hard worker, no question about it ... but there's that certain quality about both of them, where they somehow got the idea that someone appointed them the conscience of their sport. Irksome.

Especially late in his career, however, I couldn't help but come to admire him. Despite being an old man, and having what doctors call a little bit of a kidney problem ... he would never be outworked by anyone. He kept himself in as good a shape as anyone else in the league, he worked hard every second he was on the floor, and he played an extremely intelligent and effective defensive game.

He showed up, did his job, did it quite well, and did it despite being old and sick ... he even did it this year, when no one else on the Heat roster seemed interested in doing the same.

I know Mourning acted extremely douchetastic when he was traded to Toronto, and I don't let him off the hook for that ... again, honestly, I've never really liked the guy. But his work ethic and professionalism (outside of the Toronto thing, anyway) were above reproach.

Enjoy retirement, Zo. I'll enjoy not seeing you anymore.

+35,000, Stephanie Simpson

Quick: Who's the Memphis Grizzlies MVP for 2007/2008? Pau Gasol? Rudy Gay? Anyone who could convince the Grizzlies to stop playing basketball for the rest of the season?

For me, it's none of the above. I'd like to present to you a candidate for the Memphis Grizzlies 2007/2008 MVP ... Miss Stephanie Simpson. It's a little bit of an outside-the-box suggestion, but I assure you, her box has nothing to do with this. Just her breasts.

Miss Simpson (that's not her pictured, but that woman has similar parts) flashed the camera last night as she appeared on the Grizzlies Jumbotron. This news report (let's go ahead and give some big ups to Never Nervous Mearl Pervis, by the way) keeps saying that she "flashed the Jumbotron," but to the best of my knowledge, Jumbotrons can't see, let alone appreciate human breasts or achieve erection. I don't think that people should be arrested for flashing a JumboTron anymore than they should be arrested for flashing a telephone pole or a stuffed and mounted moose head.

Miss Simpson was arrested, though ... after the camera found her, she lifted up her top and her bra in one swift motion. The crowd got a look at the goods, and then she got a look at the inside of a jail cell. I don't know if there was any breast exposure in the prison, but if I'm to base any guess on the women's prison movies I've seen, there probably was.

I think that an arrest is a little bit over the top. If anything, the Grizzlies organization ought to step up, give her season tickets, access to a fully stocked liquor cabinet during every game, and keep a camera on her at all times.

+800,000, The Holiday Season

I may not be back with you until late next week (though there might be a Seven Deadly Sins on Monday, because obviously, Christmas Eve is the time to celebrate sin), so if I don't get to rap at you before then ... if you celebrate, have a good one, and be safe.

And if you don't celebrate ... well, enjoy your time off work, and feel free to take advantage of our glorious commercialism right up until and immediately after the holiday. Just because it's called a Christmas Sale, doesn't mean you aren't invited. No matter what your religion, or whether or not you think Jesus is deserving of a massive Christmas party, it's a fantastic time for bargain shopping, and there's never, ever, a bad time to buy me stuff.

If you're not quite feeling the spirit yet, and you need some beautiful Christmas music to get you in the spirit ... please, let the artist of this beautiful Christmas medley inject some spirit in you (naughty language contained here).

Happy Holidays, everyone. Love somebody.

The Week in Pretty Pictures ...

Yesterday's MVP

Levance Fields. It was quite a night for sports on television last night, wasn't it? We had an NFL game (some of us did, anyway), a competitive bowl game named after a Christmas flower and a credit union available to the residents of two counties, LeBron vs. Kobe, and the highest level of basketball that Madison Square Garden's seen in a long time.



That was a gorgeous stepback three-ball that Fields hit with 4.7 seconds left last night against Duke in the Garden. He just set him up perfectly, and created enough room for himself to get the shot off ... and then he capped it off by attempting to kick head coach Jamie Dixon in the face.

Yesterday's Sad Sack

People Who Sexually Assault UNC Football Players. Two women and a dude are accused of attacking three UNC football players ... and two of the UNC football players are claiming that they were tied up and sexually assaulted by the women.

More details here. When I first glanced at the headline, I assumed I read it wrong, and that the players were charged with sexual assault. Not the case, as it turns out. My heart goes out to the victim of any sex crime, but the good news for the UNC players is that they aren't playing in a bowl game, and they won't have to listen to trash talk from the opposing team about how they were sexually assaulted by girls.

For Those Who Admire the Female Form ...

Stop tempting me with your box, lady.

The Evening's Agenda

Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

8:00, ESPN2. College Football. R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis. I say we sneak Joey Dorsey into the game as a tight end.

Other Stuff ...

7:00, ESPN. NBA. Bulls @ Celtics.
8:00, Fox Soccer. Orlando Sharks @ New Jersey Ironmen.
9:30, ESPN. NBA. Clippers @ Mavericks.