The Debriefing: SchruteBucks XXXII

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

-85,000, The Atlantic Coast Conference



I promise, we'll get to the part where we snuggle up to Kansas's jock a little bit later, but I'd rather start by pointing and laughing at the ACC.

With the Jayhawks' uprising last night, the ACC lost their 8th straight BCS bowl game, and their 9th in their last 10 tries. Since it's fun to compare college football and the NFL, let's go ahead and label the ACC college football's version of the NFC West.

I'd take the Seahawks out of the equation to make the putridity match up a little better, but they help strengthen the analogy. If the Seahawks hadn't migrated over from the AFC, the NFC West would be really pathetic; and if the ACC hadn't raided the Big East for Virginia Tech, Boston College, and Miami, they'd be equally screwed.

With BC and Tech out of the picture, who would the ACC have sent to lose to Kansas last night? Which one of the teams that have contributed to the ACC's dazzling 2-6 bowl record would have made the sacrificial trip?

These days, it looks like the ACC's perhaps-not-so-ethical additions of Virginia Tech, Boston College and Miami weren't so much acts of thievery, but acts of charity on the part of the Big East. "No, here, you guys take them ... you need them more than we do."

If you want, ACC, the Big East would probably let you have Pitt and Syracuse for '08, too. They'd probably enjoy a chance to finish above .500.

-20,000, Me

Sometimes, I let my cynicism get the best of me ... I try to be a happy-go-lucky guy and take life as it comes, but there's also a part of me that's a pretty huge prick. I am who I am.

Now, I'm not taking back anything I've said about the BCS. I still loathe it, I still think it's the most absurd thing in sports, and I still see it as proof that the people who run major college football don't give a flying fig newton about fairness or equal access for all schools, no matter their size or reputation. I'm not going to stop bitching about it until it's dead.

However ... it's what we have, and some small upsides do exist (they're still far outweighed by the massive drawbacks, but there are upsides nonetheless). I can't deny that both the Fiesta Bowl and Orange Bowl were fun to watch. And I wouldn't call them meaningless, either.

I certainly wouldn't tell Aqib Talib and Todd Reesing that beating Virginia Tech was meaningless ... they had something to prove, and they proved it. I wouldn't have told a tearful Owen Schmitt the night before that West Virginia's win over Oklahoma was meaningless ... WVU suffered the ultimate indignity in losing to Dave Wannstedt, and then were flipped over and done dry by their head coach and leader. They felt like they had something to prove, and they proved it.

Fiesta Bowls and Orange Bowls are not national championships, and you can argue that championships are the only things that matter, and I couldn't really disagree. But as long as we have a system that provides an opportunity to win a championship to just two teams, there shouldn't be any shame in celebrating a Fiesta or Orange Bowl championship, either.

+400,000, Roger Clemens

The B12 defense! That's outstanding. Just a rock-solid, concrete, bulletproof defense. Vitamin B12. You know, for a minute there, I was afraid that Clemens might go with a defense that was flimsy and ridiculous.

I mean, if you want vitamin B12, why wouldn't you go to a guy who was known around the Major Leagues as a source of steroids? That makes all the sense in the world.

"Well hello, Brian McNamee. That's a very handsome attaché case full of Dianabol, Stanozolol, and and Nandrolone you have there. But I was wondering if you had any common vitamins around, because I just don't feel like going down to Walgreens. And yes, I'm aware that you, Brian McNamee, have given other players steroids, and that I could get some B12 by taking a Flintstone vitamin ... but I think it's better if you, Brian McNamee, noted source of steroids, loaded up a syringe and injected it into my buttocks. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes, the Barneys and Wilmas taste bitter."

I can only guess that Clemens went to McNamee for B12 for the same reasons that I go to Pablo Escobar to buy my toothpaste, and why I go to Heidi Fleiss for all of my dental checkups.

+200, Bill Belichick

I still think he's a cheater and a bit of a dirtbag, and he might not be the kind of guy I'd even want petting my dog ... but I still fully endorse the selection of Bill Belichick as the NFL's coach of the year, and I think it's something of a crime that he only got 29 of 50 first-place votes.

If you go 16-0, you're the coach of the year. Those are the rules. I don't care what kind of talent is on your roster, and I don't care what any other coach did ... perfect seasons do not just magically happen. Keeping a team sharp, motivated and focused enough to beat 16 other teams consecutively is downright astonishing.

Other teams have been loaded with talent, particularly teams that existed before free agency and the age of parity, but those teams didn't go 16-0. Being loaded with talent doesn't get you to 16-0 ... being a master motivator, an intelligent tactician, and getting your team to somehow believe that they're underdogs despite being favored by 20 points every week ... that's how you go 16-0.

There's not another coach in the league I'd look at and say, "Yes, if he were coach of the Patriots, I'm certain they'd have gone undefeated, too." Mike McCarthy's done an amazing job in Green Bay, Wade Phillips, Jon Gruden ... they're all fantastic, and they all deserve a lot of credit, but no one in the NFL has accomplished what the dirtbag in New England has. Like it or not, he's a special coach.

+3,000, Cam Cameron

I guess there's not a whole you can say to defend a coach who went 1-15 ... but I'd have liked to see what Cam Cameron could accomplish in a few years in Miami.

"Fired" seems like a harsh term to use, too ... there should be another word to use when a new boss comes in and just wants to have his own guy on the sidelines, and would have fired Jesus himself if that's what it took.

You give someone a team on which Cleo Lemon and Lorenzo Booker are going to play prominent roles, and I don't know if it's fair to expect results. The organization traded away Chris Chambers in the middle of the season, a clear sign that they knew they were going nowhere. And if the organization knew they were going nowhere, why expect results better than that from the coach?

I'm not arguing that Cameron should still be the head coach, or that Bill Parcells made a mistake ... Parcells is in charge now, and he can have whoever he wants as head coach. But I've heard several times today that it's not likely that Cameron will ever get another head coaching job, and that doesn't seem quite fair.

+800, Isiah Thomas

Isiah believes the Knicks can win a championship, and I think that's the most blindly optimistic thing I've ever heard. There are kids out there repeating the 4th grade for the third time and eating crayons during their lunch break ... and when they tell their teacher they want to be President of the United States one day, I'm not sure that's any less optimistic than what Isiah's propsing here.

"My belief and what I see and where I believe we can go as a team and an organization, I believe one day that we will win a championship here and I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. I believe I'll be a part of that."

"As I sit here and I say it today, I know people will laugh even more at me, but I'm hell-bent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I'm not leaving until we get it done."

I actually really admire it. Say what you want about Isiah Thomas, but he believes in himself, and he's not a quitter. He's been a winner his whole life on the court, and he refuses to accept anything less from himself now. He's got one hell of a will, if nothing else. This actually makes me feel like rooting for him.

But, you know, even the most competitive people have to admit that there are certain things they're not cut out for. Michael Jordan eventually had to admit that baseball wasn't something he'd be great at. If he had Isiah's will, stubbornness, and ability to delude himself into believing anything at all, Jordan would still be in Birmingham today, with a .198 lifetime average and a firm belief that he'd one day be a Major League All-Star.

+33,000, Pat Summitt

Wednesday night was to be a big night for Tennessee women's basketball star (that may be an oxymoron) Candace Parker. The Lady Vols were playing in DePaul, near Parker's hometown, and the building was full ... mostly with family and friends of Parker, eager to see their shining star play.

But Candace Parker missed curfew on New Years Eve, and head coach Pat Summitt benched her for a half in front of all her family and friends.

Harsh? Yes. But I love it. Parker's a star, and a lot of people wanted to see her play that night, but you know what ... if you want Pat Summit's brilliance, discipline, and work ethic to continue to be a part of what makes Parker great, then you've got to want Summitt to lay down the law with Parker, even on a night that was supposed to be nothing but warm and fuzzy. You either want Pat Summitt to coach her, or you don't. There's no middle ground.

If Parker's family and friends want her to be as great as she can be, then they'll support Summitt gluing her ass to the bench, even if it means they see 20 fewer minutes from her during her return home.

+9, Warren Sapp

I've hated the guy for his entire career, so I kind of feel like a hypocrite for getting all warm and fuzzy about him when he retires ... but somehow, I actually gained respect for Warren Sapp during the time that a player I hated so much played on a team that I hate equally as much.

The Raiders have been awful -- just purely miserable -- in Sapp's tenure there. In those 4 years, they won 15 games, and Sapp still played his balls off for them. Even in the darkest of times, when they went 2-14 last year under Art Shell, Sapp wouldn't let the defense because as prideless and sad as the rest of the organization. That defense, hard as it may be to believe, balled.

So goodbye, Warren Sapp ... everyone else may choose to remember your dominant years in Tampa Bay and your battles with Brett Favre, but I'll choose to remember your years in Oakland, where you played admirably, but thankfully, were not nearly good enough to pull the Raiders out of their hole of suck.

+1,000, Santana Moss

For taking a drastic step to make himself lighter and more aerodynamic in the crotchal region for the playoffs.

For the Scrapbook ...

The World Darts Championships have been surprisingly photogenic. That's my man Phil Taylor, who could stick a dart in a stripper's belly button from 30 feet away while she did a set to Wreckx-n-Effect's Rumpshaker.

Yesterday's MVP

Mark Mangino. 4-7. 5-6. 4-7. 5-7. 4-7. 3-8. Those are the records compiled by Kansas in the six years before Mark Mangino got there.

2-10. 6-7. 4-7. 7-5. 6-6. 12-1. Those are the records Mangino's compiled since he got there.

That's pretty ridiculous. The improvement wasn't immediate, but it came in time. To go from where Kansas was, to where they got last night ... I'm awed by it. There can't be too many things harder for a coach in any sport than taking a laughingstock of a college program, and turning them into a conference and national title contender.

Think about what Mangino's had to do. It's not like it's an NFL team where you can make a couple of good draft picks, and pay a couple of people to come save your team. You can't make players go there. Mangino's had to sell the idea that Kansas, a football joke since the Big 12's been the Big 12, was a place that a player wanted to be. He's had to convince people to believe that Kansas was something, and that he was something ... and he had absolutely nothing to start with. Not even charming good looks. He's just a bad-ass.

It's not possible to give Mangino enough credit for what's happened with the Jayhawks. You can give him any award or compliment, and it wouldn't be enough praise. He's done the impossible.

Yesterday's Sad Sack

Ken Kendrick. The whole notion of "boosters" in college football bothers meis somewhat bothersome. They give millions and millions to athletic departments, which is good ... but people usually don't give millions and millions of dollars to an organization unless they get some kind of say in how it's run, and that's bad. Basically, anyone who has enough money can have real influence in what a school does, including coaching hires.

Ken Kendrick is a WVU booster and part owner of the Arizona Diamondbacks ... and when WVU hired Bill Stewart as their head coach yesterday, Kendrick said this:

"He is so overmatched it's not even funny. He's a nice guy and a father figure. But they had a wonderful architect, and they hired the painter to build the next house."

Exactly how is this "boosting" anyone? It's not even that I disagree with the guy ... for all I know, he's right. But why say this? If you love WVU, and your words and donations say that you do, why blast the new coach like this? You don't like it, I get it ... but how does this help?

Fine, you don't like the guy, and you were best pals with Rich Rodriguez, and your sorry that your bestest buddy left. But are you a WVU booster, or a Rich Rodriguez booster? You might not like Bill Stewart, but if you like WVU, you shouldn't be providing fodder to those who will be recruiting against him. Ass.

For Those Who Admire the Female Form ...

Today, we take it back to 1990. It seems like they don't make 'em like they used to.

The Evening's Agenda

Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

9:00, NBC. Friday Night Lights. God, I've missed you, Buddy Garrity.

Other Stuff ...

8:30, Bravo. Movie. Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
7:00, ESPN. NBA. Pistons @ Raptors.
9:30, ESPN. NBA. Heat @ Mavericks.
9:00, ESPN2. Boxing. Friday Night Fights.
8:00, Fox Soccer. MISL Soccer. Kixx @ Wave.
9:30, NFL Network. 1993. Oilers @ Bills.