The Debriefing: Does the NFL Offer a Rehab Program to Players Addicted to Nudie Bars?

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

I'm Starting to Think Pacman Might Have a Problem ...

Pacman Jones hasn't been arrested or charged with anything in his latest entanglement in a house of adult pleasures, but to me, that's not the interesting part anyway. What interests me is the fact that Pacman Jones, despite the fact that strip club incidents have wrecked the last year of his life, is still going to the damn places.

There are a lot of people out there addicted to strip clubs -- examples here and here -- or at least they frequent them an unhealthy levels. I don't actually know Pacman, so I can't say for sure that he's an addict, but when someone keeps engaging in an activity that's clearly having a massively destructive effect on his life, that does sort of point a finger at addiction.

Also helping lead me to this conclusion: Pac doesn't differentiate between strip clubs and normal clubs, he says he goes there to the food (still), and justifies his trips there because "it's not like they're selling (vulgar synonym for female reproductive part)."

Oh, well, sure ... if they're not selling (vulgar synonym for female reproductive part), it must be a wholesome establishment that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Round up the kids and go!

(Also on Today's List: Juan Palacios keeps his mouth closed and possibly saves you from being gay ... Congress keeps on doing not a whole lot ... Wade Phillips didn't seem to be paying attention on Sunday ... and man, if Rich Rodriguez did what he's accused of doing, some angry West Virginian will likely assault him soon...)

Here's the quote from an interview in The Source, via this Sportz Assassin post last night:

"The strip clubs in Atlanta are nothing but another nightclub. It's not like they're selling [expletive] in the clubs. I wouldn't even go to a strip club unless it's in Atlanta. I'm 23 years old and really just enjoying my life. Besides, some of the strip clubs got the best food in America."

Well ... at least he does differentiate between clubs that have nude women dancing on poles and, you know, whorehouses.

It's a start, I guess.

And if any of you are considering heading out to a strip club this evening because you enjoy a good meal, and you want to get your mouth around some of this legendary cuisine that Pacman is talking about ... don't. Just trust me on that. Strip clubs (with extremely rare exceptions) do not serve the best food in America. You know who serves the best food in America? Restaurants.

Here's what happens. Say, on Tuesday night, you go out to dinner at a restaurant (and just for the record, I'm talking about an actual restaurant where food is served by men and women who are fully clothed ... I, unlike Pacman, see a difference between a place like that and a strip club) and you get an above-average steak and baked potato. You enjoy it, and at no time are you close to achieving erection.

Then, on Wednesday night, you go to a strip club, and you get a below average steak and baked potato, however ... you eat that meal while young, supple, glitter-covered hooters are being shoved in your face ... guess which meal you're going to remember more fondly?

Anyway, I wish Pacman the best of luck in fighting his addiction, and I sincerely hope that he was smart enough to not punch a lawyer in a strip club.

For Those of You Who Believe that Juan Palacios Has the Power to Make You Gay ...

Are you looking at that picture to the immediate right? Do you feel a weird tingling sensation somewhere deep in your loins? Do you suddenly have an urge to see Rick Pitino do some push-ups, with his whistle dangling from his neck, and no shirt on?

It's too late for you ... the Louisville Courier-Journal, with that picture, has infected you with a case of the gay. You better get to a strip club with Pacman Jones to cure yourself, before you end up next door, dripping wet and trying to mug out with Kevin Spacey.

That photo to your right has incited a big to-do at the Louisville Courier-Journal ... they ran the photo after the Louisville vs. Kentucky game, and many readers were appalled, because ... well, I think because two guys have their lips within a few inches of each other. Here's my favorite complaint ...

Sounds to me like pushing the ol' homosexual agenda. If basketball players can lip lock, why can't anybody.

Good point, man. That must also explain why all these newspapers run pictures of quarterbacks taking snaps from the center. Look how gay that is! There's actual knuckle-to-taint contact, not to mention the genitalia near the ... gosh, I don't even want to say it. But this totally explains why, every Sunday night from August through January, I get an urge to play nude Twister with Don Shula. Damn that homosexual agenda.

Seriously, if this picture is upsetting for any reason, it's because Jerry Smith is going in for some open-mouth tongue action, and Juan Palacios just wants a closed-mouth peck. Come on, guys ... don't tease us. Get in there, tongue that man, and show some real commitment to the homosexual agenda.

You Won't Believe This, But Congress Didn't Accomplish Much of Anything ...

I'm fine with anyone who wants to take baseball to task for standing idly by while steroid and HGH use ran rampant through the game, including Congress.

I also believe, however, that if you're going to do so, you should also be able to pronounce, "Palmeiro," and "Tejada."

Not that the ability to properly pronounce words is the end-all, be-all indicator of knowledge on a subject, but come on ... if you can't pronounce "Palmeiro," then you just haven't been paying attention to the steroid problem in baseball. And if you haven't been paying attention to the steroid problem in baseball, then, call me crazy, but you might not be in the best position to be grilling baseball about its steroid problem.

I don't know what's accomplished on a day when Don Fehr goes in front of Congress, and they don't even pile on him. I've said before that commissioning the Mitchell Report makes Selig look awfully good (at least in terms of his taking responsibility for the problem, acknowledging his own mistakes, and making an effort to rectify them), but Fehr is still an awfully easy target. If you're not going to hammer that guy, then what's the point?

All that came from this today was the knowledge that more baseball players are using Ritalin, Miguel Tejada is in some trouble, Selig and Fehr are very nice men, and some congressmen and women got some face time on ESPN.

For the Scrapbook ...

That's a very nice picture of Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis, who, like many Jets, often has time for photo shoots this time of year.

Wasn't It Enough That the Seahawks Were Beaten to Death This Weekend?

A bar owner and Packers fan was beaten to death in his home this weekend after an argument about the Packers/Seahawks game. From TheLedger.com ...

A Lakeland bar owner who hit a customer in the head with a beer bottle during an argument about the Green Bay Packers-Seattle Seahawks playoff football game was found beaten to death at his home early Sunday, according to sheriff's investigators.

By Sunday afternoon, four teens and a 21-year-old had been arrested on charges related to the slaying of Richard Oaks, the owner of the Par 33 Lounge on Lakeland Hills Boulevard.

...

Investigators were told the fight stemmed from an argument about the football game. But conflicting accounts were given about the details of the argument and investigators were still trying to confirm what happened, Rodgers said.

I don't know what there was to argue about in that particular game ... was one guy arguing that the Packers are way, way, way, way, way better than the Seahawks, while the other guy was arguing that the Packers were only way better than the Seahawks? Were they arguing about who Mike Holmgren loved more?

I don't know. It seems like any argument about that game could've been solved by a glance at the scoreboard, but what do I know ... I've never beaten anyone to death.

Wade Phillips Has a Little Bit of a Problem With Reality ...

I get that the best team doesn't always win, Wade. That's true. And it's also true that some guys are probably better off buttoning up another button or two on their shirt (note: this advice does not apply to his daughter).

Are the Cowboys a better team than the Giants? I don't know ... I'd say that's inconclusive. I'll take the Cowboys QB over the Giants', I'll take the Cowboys receivers, I'll take their running backs, and I'll take their defense, all ahead of New York's. Does that make the Cowboys a better team? Not necessarily ... but it might.

What is absolutely not true, however, is Phillips' other statement ... that the Cowboys outplayed the Giants. You know how I know they didn't? Because they didn't win. Maybe the Cowboys outgained the Giants, maybe they dominated the time of possession ... but mistakes count, too. Eleven penalties ... that counts. Tony Romo making some awful throws ... that counts. Patrick Crayton having a couple of ridiculous drops ... that counts.

You're better off just owning this one, Wade. You blame it on bad luck, and bad breaks, and your players will start believing it ... when they should be wondering why they fell apart down the stretch and couldn't beat a beatable team at home in the playoffs.

Yesterday's MVP

Jason Garrett. Atlanta wants him as their next head coach. The Ravens are snuggled up tightly against his jock. Jerry Jones has said that he'll match any offer that Garrett gets. One way or another, it seems, Jason Garrett is getting paid.

It might not all be sunshine and puppy dogs, though. There are some slightly darker scenarios for Yesterday's MVP.

I wonder if Jerry Jones didn't screw Garrett a little bit by making it known publicly that he'll match any offer that he gets. If Atlanta or Baltimore wanted him, but were scared off by Jones' vow to pay Garrett whatever he wants to keep him, and then they went after someone else ... what happens then?

Both teams pass on Garrett, and he stays with the Cowboys at the same salary? I'm sure Garrett would love that. Thanks, Jerry!

The other scenario screws a different Dallas coach. If Baltimore or Atlanta offer Garrett big money, and Jones has to pay Garrett that much to keep him ... how's Wade Phillips going to feel with an assistant coach around making as much or more as he is? Doesn't that undermine Phillips, especially in light of his recent playoff collapse?

Yesterday's Sad Sack

Rich Rodriguez. Rodriguez is being accused of shredding a ton of documents on his way out the door at West Virginia ... "data on boosters, recruiting and most everything related to activities within the program during Rodriguez's seven years at WVU," according to the Charleston Gazette.

It's a bizarre accusation ... on one hand, it's hard to imagine Rodriguez being enough of a douchenozzle to actually shred anything and everything that might help out his former assistant, Bill Stewart ... but on the other hand, it's hard to imagine someone just making this up. Either the documents are there or they aren't ... and I doubt WVU burned a ton of information on boosters and recruiting just so they could make this claim. It's like poking your eyes out just so you could accuse someone you didn't like of doing it to you.

Anyway ... WVU fans, rationally or not, are already slightly angry with Rodriguez, and they aren't letting this one go. If it turns out that RichRod did actually shred state documents on his way to Michigan ... well, his family might want to consider relocating. Or at least wearing helmets at all times.

For Those Who Admire the Female Form ...

The Evening's Agenda

Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

9:30, NFL Network. NFL Replay. Chargers @ Colts. I really, really enjoyed this one. You may feel differently.

Other Stuff ...

7:00, ESPN. College Basketball. Duke @ Florida State.
7:00, ESPN2. NBA. Bulls @ Heat.
7:00, ESPNU. College Basketball. Virginia Tech @ Virginia.
8:00, NFL Network. NFL Replay. Giants @ Cowboys.
8:00, TLC. My Shocking Story: Half Man, Half Tree.
9:00, ESPNU. College Basketball. DePaul @ Villanova.
9:00, ESPN. College Basketball. UNC @ Georgia Tech.
9:30, ESPN2. College Basketball. Texas A&M @ Texas Tech.
11:30, ESPN2. Tennis. Australian Open, Early Rounds.