The Debriefing: SchruteBucks XXXIV

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here on FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

-8,000,000, The Woman Who Accused and then Unaccused Pacman Jones of Assaulting her at the Fine Establishment Called "Body Tap"



Wanda S. Jackson is the woman's name, and until I learn differently, I'm going to assume that the "S" stands for "Strumpet Who Spreads Lies About Suspended Star Cornerbacks." I picture her parents as big fans of alliteration.

Yesterday she withdrew her accusation that Pacman Jones punched her at a strip club ... and I suppose, at the end of the day, there probably wasn't much damage done to Pacman's reputation. It's not like Wednesday was the day everyone decided first that Pacman might be a bit of a sleazebag, and it's not like there was any way, accusations or not, that people were going to think of Pac as a noble and honorable man on Friday.

Still, though, Wanda S. Jackson ... not cool.

I couldn't tell you why she withdrew the allegation. Either it was bullexecrement to begin with, or something happened over the last 48 hours (something like, I don't know, money changing hands) that changed her mind ... either way, she doesn't feel strongly enough about it to pursue it, and if that's the case, she should never have brought it up to begin with. And because of it, she now might face charges of falsely reporting a crime.

If it's true that Pacman was innocent the whole time, it highlights the position that athletes are in, in terms of their vulnerability to anyone's accusations. If someone accuses your neighbor, Edward the introverted encyclopedia salesman, of punching some random stripper, there's not as much reason to believe that it might be a lie. What would the woman be after? Ed's got no money ... and I doubt that the percentage of strippers who covet their own encyclopedia collection is tremendously high.

But with Pacman, or any other athlete for that matter, there is incentive to make up outrageous charges. Especially in a case like this where it's so utterly and completely believable (sorry, Pac). You might get paid off, you might get your face on TV, your name in the paper ... unfortunately, there are things to be gained. Hell, if I was at a strip joint, and I saw Pacman Jones walk in ... five or six scenarios would pop into my head about how to get him in trouble, without me even trying.

Please note, too, by the way, that Pacman receives no SchruteBucks ... guilty or not guilty, accused or not accused, it's still time to get your ass out of the strip club, Pac. If that means downshifting to a hardcore, barely-legal porno addiction, then hey ... I think that's the right move for you. Anything that keeps you at home.

+500, Fathers Who Know How to Use Duct Tape

I'm tired of all the politically-correct, hippie crybabies out there complaining about this dad who taped his 7-year-old kid to a chair, taped him into a Brett Favre jersey, and made him watch football for an hour. Come on! That's not abuse, that's just good, solid parenting.

What do you want the dad to do, let his kid not watch football? Next thing you know, he'll be putting up a Brian Boitano poster and lacing up some figure skates. Butch up, kid! It's this father's right to raise his son however he wants, and if that includes duct tape and a Favre jersey, then that's the way it's going to be!

Listen, I don't typically share personal stories here, but I'll make an exception just this once. I had an Aunt who was a crazy Steelers fan. She had a "Steelers Room" in her house, painted black and gold, with all kind of Steelers trinkets and such all over the place ... and one day, at her house, when no one else was there, she shaved my head and duct-taped me into a Terry Bradshaw jersey.

It wasn't pleasant, but look at me ... I turned out just fine. Sure, it's true that ever since the Bradshaw jersey touched my skin, I forgot how to read, and I end every sentence with "Whoo Boy!", but you know what? To this day, I still love football, and I think it's worth it.

+900, Bob Knight

A lot of people say that individual awards and accomplishments don't mean much to them, but no one's sold it quite like Bob Knight did after winning his 900th game this week.

Here's Bob immediately afterwards:



The fans in the arena didn't quite get it, but that was Bob chastising them for not filling up the arena on a nightly basis. I love that ... he gets his historic 900th win, and his first act afterwards is to bitch about the fans, to the fans. I love that they didn't get it, too. He just called them out for being fairweather fans, and everyone's reaction is, "WOOOO!! BOB KNIGHT SAID SOMETHING TO US!! WOOOOOO!!"

+4, My Brother

He's always asking for SchruteBucks. Here you go. Now shut up.

+32,000, Wade Phillips

I'm going to give you the SchruteBucks now, Wade, because you might need them a year from now when you get fired. And you will be fired if you do anything other than win the Super Bowl next year.

The Cowboys have agreed to give assistant coach Jason Garrett $3 million a year, which is about what Phillips makes. And guess what, Wade? Teams don't pay two coaches $3 million a year for very long. I'm going to give it about a year. Unless, of course, you win the next Super Bowl.

Jerry Jones obviously believes that Jason Garrett will be the Cowboys head coach, and sooner rather than later.

±0, Golfweek Magazine

By now, you're aware of Golfweek magazine's latest cover, even if you weren't aware of the existence of Golfweek magazine before yesterday. In light of Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman's comments that a bunch of young golfers should "lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley," they decided to put a picture of a hanging noose on their cover.

If I were to fall in line with everyone else, I'd pile on and deduct a ton of SchruteBucks. And that's an idea I'm open to ... but first, I'd like to know why they did it.

If they did it because they felt the comments were an issue that people needed to take seriously, and they put a jarring image on the cover just to make the point, "Yeah, we're talking about lynching here. We're talking about innocent people, brutally beaten and hanging from nooses, and if this image makes you uncomfortable, good. You should be uncomfortable. This whole damn thing is uncomfortable, and that's why we're going to talk about it."

But if they put the noose up there because -- and I believe this is the way more likely scenario -- someone in the Golfweek boardroom thought that putting a noose on the cover would just get them attention, and would just rile people up ... then these people are douchebags.

Even more troubling is the text beside the noose, "Tilghman slips up, and Golf Channel can't wriggle free," which seems to imply that the Golf Channel is the injured party here ... which is kind of like saying that Michael Richards really got a raw deal because people heard him unleash the world heavyweight champion of racist tirades.

Now, I'm not comparing Kelly Tilghman and Michael Richards. I've already said what I had to say about Tilghman (in fact, I used a far more striking image with my column, and did so intentionally), and I don't think she should be fired, or made into public enemy #1. But she should be aware of why what she said was unacceptable, and anything that happens past that with Kelly Tilghman, I'm probably not going to care much about.

As for the noose picture, though ... people seem to be upset at Golfweek because they "inflamed" the controversy, which is another way of saying, "We'd rather this just went away, because we're golf, and we are not exactly experts when it comes to dealing with racial issues." From the New York Times:

Tim Finchem, the PGA Tour commissioner, said in a statement that the "swinging noose" imagery was "outrageous and irresponsible." He added, "It was a naked attempt to inflame and keep alive an incident that was heading to an appropriate conclusion."

If the "appropriate conclusion" was to issue a slap on the wrist, offer no real understanding of the issue, and then just wait for it to die down, then sure ... what was happening was perfectly appropriate.

I'd like to think that Golfweek wasn't satisfied with that conclusion, either, and they thought it would be a good idea to probe deeper into the discussion and help people understand why the language is hurtful to some ... but I've got my doubts about that, too.

+50,000, Rodney Harrison

Because Mr. Harrison has a cutting, dry, and extremely sharp wit. Said Rodney of the New York Giants and their proclivity for late hits:

"I'm going to tell you, we saw it on film. It wasn't no secret. They push, they hit late, they come at you and try to take you out. That's the way they play."

Oh, that's wonderful. How refreshing to see an NFL player with such a grand sense of irony and self-deprecation. Rodney Harrison, I declare you a master of comedy.

Because when a guy who's racked up over $300,000 in fines through his career, and has twice been voted by his peers as the NFL's dirtiest player makes a comment like that ... it's really pushing the comedic envelope. I don't think America has seen a comic mind as keen as Rodney's since Richard Pryor .

Wait, what's that you say? He was serious? This wasn't satire? He said this without a hint of irony?

Oh. Well ... then I guess he's just a giant knob with a complete lack of self-awareness.

-10,000, Horny Australian Tennis Announcer



Given a couple of the photo galleries and captions that may follow in this very column, I might not be the right guy to make this complaint ... in fact, I might be putting myself in Rodney Harrison territory by doing so.

But come on, man ... this is a world class athlete. Yes, she's beautiful ... and yes, she's got an ass off of which you could gleefully bounce quarters. It might even make a nice pillow. I might even want to be friends with it.

But great ass or not, this is a woman doing her job. Her attire is not out-of-line for her particular line of work. If there's a woman at your office, and it looks like she's stuffed a couple of fine Virginia Hams down the back of her pants ... that doesn't make it OK for you to tell a coworker that you'd like to make it bounce like a lowrider in a Dr. Dre video.

Venus Williams is a professional. She has a job. And just like anyone else with that job, she has a right to be judged on how well she does that job. To take attention away from her performance and shift it to her ass demeans her as an athlete, as a professional, and as a human being.

For the Scrapbook ...

Yesterday's MVP

Bud Selig. Not too long ago, he was an easy target for any owner, player, or fan who had any complaint about baseball ... and yesterday, he gets a 3-year contract extension. If he only did it for selfish reasons, I'm telling you, commissioning that Mitchell Report was a stroke of genius for Bud.

Yesterday's Sad Sack

Myself. This news is reserved only for those who actually make it to the end of my columns. Thanks for sticking with me ... you're the only ones who will care about this, anyway.

I've felt a little melancholy while writing this last edition of Schrutebucks, as this will be the final edition of The Debriefing.

As of, oh, right about now ... I'm officially leaving FanHouse.

I'm not leaving because of any issues here ... another opportunity presented itself, and I just decided to do something different. If it's as rewarding as this has been, I'll consider myself lucky. I honestly believe in the FanHouse project, I especially believe in the people running it, and I believe in many of the bloggers that make it go on a daily basis. I'm eternally grateful for the opportunities I've had here, and I believe FanHouse will only get bigger and better in '08.

I'd thank people, but I'd undoubtedly leave someone out, and then I'd feel like a douchebag for doing so. People I've written with, people I've podcasted with, people I've read, people I've bounced ideas of off, people that have edited my work, people that have supported me in any way ... thanks. Really.

And to those of you who have read ... thanks to you, too. You'll see me around soon enough.

For Those Who Admire the Female Form ...

The Evening's Agenda

Deserving Of Your Full Attention ...

9:00, NBC. Friday Night Lights. Can we get an update on how the Santiago/Buddy Garrity living arrangements are working out? How long before Buddy is pushing Santiago to nail Lyla, just to spite her mother?

Other Stuff ...

7:00, ESPN. NBA. Blazers @ Heat.
7:00, ESPNU. College Basketball. Niagara @ Canisius.
8:00, ESPN2. Boxing. Friday Night Fights.
9:00, ESPNU. College Basketball. Bucknell @ Holy Cross.
9:00, FOX. House.
9:30, ESPN. NBA. Warriors @ Bulls.
10:00, ESPN2. Tennis. Australian Open, Day 6.
10:00, Spike. World's Most Amazing Videos. Stunts Gone Bad.