Did Nancy Pelosi Know About Manny's Drug Use?

What a crazy week. I'd say it was a news week on steroids, but that would just prompt the week to blame everything on its doctor who prescribed the drugs.

From Manny Ramirez's departure to A-Rod's return, the news spun like a roulette wheel. That made it just like most weeks in this 24-7 news era, which is why we here at FanHouse decided a Week in Review column was needed.

On Sundays, you have time to relax and reflect. That's why TV has pseudo-intellectual shows like "Meet The Press," "This Week With George What's-His-Name" and "The Sports Reporters."

This column will remain apolitical unless Air Force One buzzes New York City just to get a photo of the plane flying over Mike Lupica's ego. Then we'd blame it on George W. Bush and move ahead. So without further ado, let's do just that.

Last Sunday -- Tiger Woods finishes fourth at the Quail Hollow Championship, making it two straight tournaments without a win. Congress calls an emergency session to consider spending $20 billion to rebuild Tiger's swing.

Atlanta eliminates Miami to win the right to get swept by Cleveland in Round 2. Vice President Joe Biden urges Hawks fans to remain calm unless they have ridden on an airplane or subway in the previous week, in which case they should immediately run naked down the street screaming "I have the Swine Flu!"

Monday -- "A-Rod," the book alleging Alex Rodriguez started taking steroids in the second grade, goes on sale. Not to be upstaged, the mother of pitcher Joba Chamberlain is arrested on suspicion of selling methamphetamine to an undercover policeman.

In an exclusive interview, Jacqueline Standley tells Katie Couric she has never taken meth. The Yankees then send her to their Tampa minor league facility for rehab.

After studying the latest playoff TV ratings, the U.S. Department of Justice announces it will start utilizing the NHL for its Federal Witness Protection Program.

Tuesday -- Brett Favre is spotted at a Hattiesburg, Miss., feed store wearing a Vikings jersey. All over America fans quickly stage candlelight vigils praying Favre will just go away.

Boston beats New York 7-3 to complete a two-game sweep at the new Yankee Stadium. The reeling Yankees announce Standley is being called up and will start against Tampa Bay on Wednesday night.

Wednesday -- After more than 500 years of protecting popes, the Swiss Guard announces it may consider opening its ranks to women. Augusta National issues a statement saying it will not be pressured into admitting a female member.

The NCAA releases its Academic Progress Report, which tracks retention and graduation rates at member institutions. The worst five schools are South Florida, Mississippi, Minnesota, Washington State and Arizona.

In unrelated news, the first preseason football poll is released. The top five teams are South Florida, Mississippi, Minnesota, Washington State and Arizona.

Oprah Winfrey unveils a coupon giveaway for KFC, prompting millions of Americans to stop watching for Brett Favre updates in order to go stand in line for a free grilled chicken dinner.

In Game 2 of the Western Conference semis, Kobe Bryant grabs Jack Nicholson's courtside seat and hits Shane Battier over the head with it. The officials immediately eject Ron Artest.

Thursday -- Baseball suspends Ramirez for 50 games. Various reports say Ramirez tested positive for HCG, a women's fertility drug often used to mask steroid use.

Eddie "The Squealer" Clemenza scores the winning goal as Chicago beat Vancouver in the Stanley Cup Federal Witness playoffs.

National Intelligence officials release memos indicating House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lied when she said knew nothing about the CIA's "harsh interrogation techniques" on enemy combatants. The report also indicated Bud Selig knew baseball players were mainlining female fertility drugs for the past 15 years but did nothing because no player gave birth to triplets.

Friday -- Favre sends X-rays of his ailing right shoulder to the Vikings for evaluation. Team doctors tell coach Brad Childress it appears Favre has at least 25 more interceptions left in the shoulder.

A-Rod hits a three-run homer against Baltimore in his first at-bat of the season. Orioles manager Dave Trembley plays the game under protest until the results of Rodriguez's post-game pregnancy test are back.

Rick Pitino reportedly has interest in leaving Louisville to coach the Sacramento Kings. The Kings request Pitino send them X-rays of his head to make sure there is something in there.

Saturday -- Jeremy Mayfield becomes the first NASCAR driver suspended for violating its substance abuse policy. Officials won't identify the substance, but unconfirmed media reports say traces of Valvoline were found in Mayfield's urine.

Yao Ming is ruled out of the playoffs with a broken foot after X-rays show a miniaturized Derek Fisher hitting Yao's third metatarsal with a ball-peen hammer.

David Feherty jokes that U.S. troops would rather shoot Pelosi than Osama bin Laden. Pelosi's office immediately issues a statement saying she was not aware U.S. troops used real bullets.

Predictions for the upcoming week:

-- Favre will announce he is absolutely, positively most definitely retired, unless the Dodgers need an outfielder.

-- LeBron James will score as many points as he darned well pleases as the Cavaliers sweep the Hawks.

-- While rounding third base after hitting his fifth homer in a week, A-Rod gives birth to an eight-pound baby boy that Madonna immediately adopts.

David Whitley has been a sports columnist at the Orlando Sentinel for 10 years. He previously worked at the Tampa Tribune, San Antonio Light and Tallahassee Democrat. Like all journalists, he has won numerous awards, though most of his have been at state fairs when he dressed as various farm animals. He lives in Orlando with his wife, two daughters, two dogs, two cats, all of whom are forbidden from owning a fantasy team in any sport.