Week In Review: Shaq Back to School

I don't know about you, but my heart can't take another week like the last one. It had enough suspense to qualify as an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

The only thing missing was the shower scene where a psycho Bud Selig pulls back the curtain and finds Jose Canseco injecting steroids into Alex Rodriguez's rear end. Which brings us to one of the week's riveting questions:

If A-Rod has 75 home runs this year at Yankee Stadium and nobody is in the $2,600 seats to see them, do they count?

The uncertainty will continue until Selig takes off Norman Bates' dress and gets back to the office. But at least America will no longer be held in suspense over last week's other dramas.

Who would win the NBA Lottery? Would a cross-dresser win "American Idol?" Would Michael Vick drive straight home from prison or stop in Indiana to lay a wreath at the grave of Spuds MacKenzie?

Would deficit-riddled Californians vote down budget measures that would deny female fertility drugs to baseball players seeking to mask steroid use? Would Jack Bauer ever stop to use the bathroom before "24" ended?

Would Joe Biden reveal the NBA's secret agreement with ABC that Kobe and LeBron will meet in the NBA Finals, even if they have to play for Orlando and Denver?

We're still not sure about the last one. Hopefully you already know the answers to the others, because I can't guarantee you'll find them in this review.

Last Sunday

In his weekly gaffe, Joe Biden reveals the location of the bunker where vice presidents are taken when Denise Richards sings "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

After a scheduling conflict arises, Vince McMahon offers to give up the WWE's May 25th booking of the Pepsi Center if David Stern will finally admit pro basketball is fake.

The Obama Administration announces it will continue military tribunals for anyone accused of supporting Terrell Owens.

Monday

Shaquille O'Neal enrolls in a broadcasting class at Syracuse and gets a D on his first assignment. He blames his classmates for not getting him the microphone often enough.

ESPN announces Jon Gruden will replace Tony Kornheiser on "Pardon the Interruption."

Scientists unveil a 47-million-year-old skeleton hailed as "the missing link." Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be Jamie Moyer's rookie card.

GQ hits the stands with pictures of Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez posing in a bikini. (To see more photos of Sanchez and Hilary Rhoda, check out the full feature at GQ.com.)

Tuesday
The Clippers win the NBA Draft Lottery and immediately announce they will take Matthew Stafford with the first pick.

The New York Post reports Alex Rodriguez was spotted making out with Rock Hudson after a recent Yankees win.

Saying he is "too big to fail," an emergency session of Congress sends $43 billion to bail out David Ortiz.

Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson wins "Dancing With The Stars" despite getting a 2.7 score from the Russian judge.

Wednesday

After the Senate votes 90-6 not to fund the closing of the Guantanamo Bay prison, Al Davis volunteers to add 40 inmates to the Raiders roster.

In the exciting climax to "American Idol," Ryan Seacrest opens the envelope and announces 100 million Americans voted that "Brett Favre should go back to Mississippi and stay there."

The New York Post issues a correction stating Rodriguez was actually spotted making out with Kate Hudson.

After 18 months in Leavenworth prison, Vick takes his first step as a semi-free man and plants his foot in a pile of dog poop.

Thursday

Notre Dame announces it would like to play a game in Yankee Stadium in 2012. Vince McMahon says he will give up the date if the Fighting Irish admit Charlie Weis is fake.

After Danica Patrick says she may switch to stock cars next year, NASCAR's switchboard is flooded by fans wondering when women were given the right to drive.

CNN reports Dick Cheney's popularity rating is 8 percent since January. In related news, CNN reports the popularity of athlete's foot is up 12 percent since January.

Jose Canseco says he once injected Kate Hudson with steroids in a bathroom stall at Yankee Stadium.

Friday

Shaquille O'Neal says he will compete with Greg Paulus for the quarterback job at Syracuse.

Dick Cheney challenges the Obama Administration to release CIA torture memos that prove Al Qaeda prisoners spilled their guts after being forced to watch reruns of "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith."

David Stern crawls in from the ledge of his high-rise after crisis negotiators convince him LeBron James really did hit a 3-pointer at the buzzer to beat Orlando and avoid a 0-2 series hole.

Saturday

In an exclusive jailhouse interview, Dirk Nowitzki's ex-girlfriend tells the Dallas Morning News that Nowitzki once got Manny Ramirez pregnant.

Kobe Bryant files suit against his former housekeeper after she tells the National Enquirer he never passes the ball to his children at family pickup games.

In a questionable PR move, Michael Vick's agents land him a spot in the Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest.

At the LPGA Corning Classic, Eunjung Yi becomes the first golfer to make three eagles in five holes with nobody watching.

Predictions for the upcoming week:

-- David Stern will grant a pardon to Tim Donaghy, give him $100,000 to put on the Cavaliers and Lakers and assign him to officiate both conference finals.

-- After catching untold grief from teammates, Mark Sanchez will cancel his plans to pose for the cover of next year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

-- Parole officers track Michael Vick's wandering aimlessly through the Virginia countryside. It will turn out his electronic monitoring device was accidentally attached to Joe Biden.