Week in Review: Conspiracy Theories

It was a bad week if you believe that UFOs exist, the mob killed JFK and the NBA banished Michael Jordan to Area 51 to cure his gambling addiction.

LeBron James did not make the NBA Finals. If that doesn't shoot down the whole notion of conspiracy theories, nothing will.

The paranoids out there were sure David Stern had secretly instructed officials to make it a LeBron vs. Kobe title fight. Just as they are still convinced Dick Cheney rigged the1985 NBA Lottery to make sure the Knicks got Patrick Ewing.

No wait, Cheney set up 9-11 to make sure George W. Bush would get re-elected and marry Lady Di. I'm sorry, but all these theories run together sometimes.

There was never a shred of evidence the NBA had choreographed the Cavaliers to beat Orlando. Well, other than the fact James was averaging approximately 0.4 fouls and 37 free throws a game in the series.

But the lack of evidence is evidence to the conspiracy kooks. Now they'll probably theorize that Stern ordered the Cavs to lose, since that will sour James on Cleveland and spur him to sign with New York or Chicago after next season.

Until that happens, please either shut up or produce photos of Stern standing on the grassy knoll. And don't believe everything you read. Except for the following, of course.

Last Sunday

Alarmed by Orlando's focus through the first two games of the Eastern Conference finals, Stern hacks into Match.com and tries to set Dwight Howard up with Dirk Nowitzki's ex-girlfriend.

Fresh off his court victory over the IRS, Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500 and asks to be paid in small unmarked bills.

Convinced that the umpires are out get him, Milton Bradley changes his name to LeBron Bradley.

Monday

In observance of Memorial Day, NASCAR briefly stops the Coca Cola 600 at 3 p.m. to honor the memory of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s career.

After North Korea tests an underground nuclear device, the United Nations threatens to kick Kim Jong-il's country out of the U.N. summer softball league.

7-foot-2 Korean Hong Man Choi pummels the daylights out of Jose Canseco in an MMA exhibition, prompting Canseco to sign a three-fight deal with Mary-Kate Olsen.

In the season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," Kate moves out after Jon admits he took the SAT test for Derrick Rose.

Tuesday

Manny Ramirez is fourth among National League outfielders in All-Star voting, trailing only Mark McGwire, Tony Mandarich and Ben Johnson.

Saying her Latina heritage will provide unique judicial wisdom, Barack Obama nominates Paula Abdul to the Supreme Court.

Waiving the traditional five-year wait, the Baseball Writers of America vote Hong Man Choi into the Hall of Fame.

LeBron Bradley goes 5-for-5 after the home plate umpire starts tipping pitches for him.

Wednesday

The UEFA Champions League mega-showdown between Manchester United and Barcelona is watched by 18.1 billion worldwide and three Americans stuck in a bar at Frankfurt Airport.

The NBA rescinds a technical foul called on Dwight Howard in Game 4 and every foul called on LeBron James from 2004-2009.

Carlos Zambrano goes nuts after the home plate umpire tells him the post-game buffet has been canceled.

In an attempt to undermine her nomination, Rush Limbaugh claims that Paula Abdul once dated Al Campanis.

A 66-year-old British woman gives birth to a five-pound baby boy. Waiving the traditional five-year wait, she is immediately voted into the NBA Groupie Hall of Fame.

Thursday

Memphis is accused of major violations after a review of Derrick Rose's transcript reveals he was home schooled by Allen Iverson.

Unable to spot Stern in the audience holding up letters, LeBron James is eliminated from the Scripps National Spelling Bee when he can't spell "NBA Championship."

University of Florida President Bernie Machen says Urban Meyer should be the highest-paid performer in the SEC not counting Tim Tebow.

Microsoft unveils its new search engine called Bing. The prototype explodes when a reporter asks Bing to locate one sports story in the past five years that ESPN did not take credit for breaking.

Friday

Michael Vick's father says his son is "a better man" after being in prison. In response, the father of one of Vick's former pit bulls says his son is "a better dog" after escaping from Vick.

Phil Spector is sentenced to life in prison for wearing his hair like Phyllis Diller.

Responding to the Rose fiasco in Memphis, John Calipari says he would never recruit a player who might not meet eligibility requirements. He then announces Kentucky has signed Hong Man Choi.

Rachel Alexandra says she has a headache and is not in the mood to run the Belmont.

Saturday

After finishing second in Britain's Got Talent, Internet sensation Susan Boyle announces she has signed to play guard with the Dallas Cowboys.

Texas beats Boston College 3-2 in 25 innings at the Austin baseball regional. With so little scoring per inning, the NCAA moves the Longhorns to the winner's bracket of the Women's College World Series.

Serena Williams accuses Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez of cheating at the French Open. Martinez Sanchez quickly signs a basketball scholarship with Memphis.

After scoring 40 points in Orlando's series-clinching win, Dwight Howard finds a horse's head in his locker.

This Week's Can't-Miss Predictions:

-- Saying it will eliminate the deficit in two years, the government takes 70 percent ownership in the new "Beat Up Jose Canseco Fantasy Camps."

-- Jay Leno says he is having second thoughts about retiring and might return as Green Bay's quarterback.

-- Hoping nobody will be paying close attention, ABC's announcers are told to pronounce Orlando "Cleveland" and Dwight Howard "LeBron James" during the NBA Finals.