Week In Review: Who's Worthy of King James' Congratulations?

We would like to congratulate LeBron James on winning Sports Personality of the Week. We'd like to, but LeBron doesn't believe in congratulations.

His stalk-off after Orlando eliminated Cleveland was the week's hottest story. Critics pounced, accusing James of being a poor sport, bad role model and all-around jerk.

It turned out LeBron had a good reason for acting like Sean Penn. I'd tell you but I'd rather you have to plow through a few more paragraphs to find out. That way you'll also read about arguably the most amazing performance ever recorded by a college athlete.Does the name Robert Dozier mean anything to you? It should, since the former Memphis hoopster reportedly scored a 1,260 on his SAT test.

That raised a few eyebrows around his high school since Dozier had never actually been spotted attending a class. Forced to take the test again, this time without John Calipari acting as the official observer, Dozier scored a 720.

That set a world record for Biggest SAT Drop by a Human Who Had Not Been Declared Brain Dead. After an intense investigation, Memphis offered Dozier a job as school president.

This prompted an NCAA hearing that culminated Saturday with Calipari calling in from China to swear he never even met Dozier, and that all photos of him coaching Dozier were doctored by the CIA.

You may be skeptical, but we at Week in Review believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. That's why we'd also like to congratulate Dozier on his performance. It was so astounding even LeBron might come over and shake your hand.

And now, on with the rest of the story....

Last Sunday

A day after Orlando eliminated him from the playoffs, LeBron James says he didn't shake hands because Rafer Alston has cooties ... 97-year-old Millvina Dean dies in Southampton, England, leaving Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden as the only remaining survivors of the Titanic ... Florida State beats Ohio State 37-6 in a baseball regional game, but FSU is forced to give up 21 runs due to academic fraud ... Concerned fans call the Knoxville Police Dept. after Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin goes a week without breaking an NCAA rule or insulting another SEC school.

Monday

ABC says Jeff Van Gundy will be allowed to announce the NBA Finals. But in the interest of fairness it will hire Phil Jackson's brother to shave Michael Wilbon's head ... As the government takes over GM, President Obama announces all Chevrolets competing in NASCAR races must get 39 mpg and be driven by Latina women ... In a YouTube party video, a shirtless Vince Young says if he's not traded he will guzzle another bottle of cognac.

Tuesday

Chad Ochocinco tells the NFL Network his performance last year was "an embarrassment" and vows to change his name to Chad I. Stinko if it doesn't improve this season ... After President Obama predicts "Lakers in Six," Rush Limbaugh says he wants Los Angeles to fail ... As LeBron James waits in line behind him to buy lottery tickets, a homeless man buys the winning ticket worth $23 million. James storms out of the 7-Eleven without congratulating him ... Danica Patrick says she would take performance enhancing drugs if she could get away with it. She immediately becomes the favorite to succeed Don Fehr as head of the baseball players union.

Wednesday

Memphis says an internal investigation uncovered no violations and that Robert Dozier has been awarded a Rhodes Scholarship ... Ace Orlando defender Mickael Pietrus announces he will not wear his Kobe Bryant model shoes during the Finals ... Serena Williams loses her quarterfinal match, leaving four girls named Kutzenvokova in the French Open semis ... With no hits since spring training, David Ortiz says he will get his eyes checked. The ophthalmologist tells him to go see Barry Bonds' trainer ... Atlanta releases 305-game winner Tom Glavine but offers him a job as the mascot for the Class A Myrtle Beach Pelicans.

Thursday

Despite the fact he hasn't played in four months, Stan Van Gundy starts Jameer Nelson at center against the Lakers ... In a speech in Cairo, Egypt, President Obama assures the Muslim world that Brett Favre will not come out of retirement ... Forbes names Angelina Jolie the World's Most Powerful Celebrity. To celebrate, she and Brad Pitt adopt Jennifer Anniston ... On the 20th anniversary of the student uprising, John Calipari goes to Tiananmen Square, stands in front of a Chinese tank and dares the driver to prove he took the SAT test for Robert Dozier.

Friday

Fresh off his 40-point performance in Game 1, Kobe Bryant announces the Mickael Pietrus will not be wearing a jockstrap during the Finals ... After a judge temporarily stops the destruction of old Tiger Stadium, Michigan fans petition the court to stop the employment of Rich Rodriguez ... Memphis announces that Robert Dozier has won the Nobel Prize for Physics ... Forbes names Chris Berman the World's Least Powerful Celebrity.

Saturday

After getting outrun in the Belmont Stakes, Mine That Bird refuses to shake Summer Bird's hoof ... The WNBA reportedly opens it season, though a search of news reports reveals it was only a rumor ... To commemorate the 65th anniversary of D-Day, France forfeits a World Cup qualifying match to Germany.

Next Week's Guaranteed Predictions or Your Money Back:

-- Stan Van Gundy will start Dennis Scott at shooting guard in Game 3.

-- Hometown favorite Robert Dozier will win the St. Jude Classic when he turns in a score of 37 for the final 18 holes.

-- After discussing his options with LeBron James, President Obama will decide not to call the Lakers to congratulate them on winning the NBA championship.