Week In Review: Celebrating the City of Champions Once Again

The truth can't be avoided any longer. It would be like denying Tim Floyd is a crook, Adam Lambert is gay or Brett Favre is going to be a Viking.

It was the Week of Pittsburgh and will inevitably be the Year of the Steel City .

First the Steelers, now the Penguins and Ben "Hogan" Roethlisberger. Soon the Lakers, eventually the Pirates.

All have or will win world championships, making Pittsburgh the only city in history to hold titles in the five major sports all in the same year.

Can you name a better sports town?

I realize the preceding statement might be perplexing, so allow me to explain. Hockey will remain a major sport until MMA fighters can start beating themselves silly while wearing skates.

The Lakers aren't technically in Pittsburgh , but the city shouldn't be punished just because the NBA won't go there. So we're allowing it to adopt any team it wants. Considering the NBA is down to two, Pittsburgh will take the Lakers over the Magic.

Roethlisberger just won the Golf Digest U.S. Open Challenge, shooting an 81 at Bethpage Black to beat Michael Jordan and Justin Timberlake. Let's see pretty boy Tom Brady do that.

As for the Pirates, remember nobody gave the Penguins a chance after they started 0-39.

It would have been a perfectly Pittsburghian week if one of the city's rec league soccer teams had paid $130 million for the rights to Rolando, or Ronaldo, or whatever that guy's name is. Or if David Letterman had said Pittsburgh looks like "a slutty flight attendant."

Unfortunately Sarah Palin got all that free publicity, along with a heartfelt apology from Letterman.

"I didn't kill nobody. I didn't rape nobody. So that's it. I'm just going to come play the game."

Oops, my bad. That was actually Manny Ramirez's heartfelt apology for taking performance enhancers.

All these developments made the week as confusing as an Iranian election, which was won by Pittsburgh native Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Way to go, Steel City !

Now let's review your fabulous week.

Last Sunday

Roger Federer wins the French Open, staking claim to being the greatest tennis player ever not born in Pittsburgh. ... After all conventional treatments failed, ESPN reports that Brett Favre visited renowned orthopedist Dr. James Andrews to have his stubble surgically removed. ... Chad Ochocinco says he and Carson Palmer are so chummy they're like "Brokeback Mountain ." You never heard Lynn Swann say that about Terry Bradshaw. ... Some Broadway production nobody who reads FanHouse has ever heard of wins the Tony Award for Best Play. ...Tom Brady and supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen flip a kayak in the Charles River. New England media reports Brady picked up Giselle and walked on water to safety.

Monday

David Letterman jokes that while Sarah Palin was at a Yankees game, Alex Rodriguez "knocked up" Manny Ramirez. ... North Korea sentences two U.S. journalists to 12 years hard labor for failing to pick Kim Jong-Il in their Fantasy Dictator League draft. ... Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor breaks her ankle. Republicans go into a panic fearing the injury may keep her on the bench as long as it did Grant Hill. ... After Jerry Jones reiterates that the Cowboys have no plans of re-signing him, Pacman Jones verbally commits to the Tennessee Volunteers.

Tuesday

ESPN reports Brett Favre's family has reserved 30 rooms at Green Bay hotel for the weekend Minnesota plays at Lambeau Field. Favre's agent denies any football connection, saying the family simply loves the breakfast buffet at the Midway Motor Lodge. ... Washington selects Stephen Strasburg with first pick in the baseball draft. Agent Scott Boras says negotiations should go smoothly as long as the Nationals include the Lincoln Memorial in their opening offer. ... USC basketball coach Tim Floyd resigns in disgrace after records show he paid more for O.J. Mayo than Pete Carroll did for Reggie Bush.

Wednesday

Real Madrid pays Manchester United a $130 million transfer fee for Ronaldo and says the figure would have been much larger if the player had two names. ... In hopes of replicating the success of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition, ESPN The Magazine will print a nude issue in November featuring a foldout of John Clayton on a bearskin rug. ... Caving in to agent Scott Boras' claims that neither of his clients ever took female fertility drugs and their man-boobs are natural, David Letterman apologizes to A-Rod and Manny Ramirez. ...

Thursday

The NCAA puts Alabama on probation for a textbook-selling scheme by athletes. The university immediately files an appeal stating that no football player has owned a textbook since 1967. ... Sonny and Cher 's daughter, Chastity Bono, announces she is changing sexes to whatever Dennis Rodman is these days. ... USC pays Florida a $150 million transfer fee for Tim Tebow. ... In hopes of popularizing her tour, LPGA Commissioner Carolyn Bivens suggests that players should Twitter during their rounds. Inspired, Magic coach Stan Van Gundy suggests that his players start Twittering instead of defending Derek Fisher.

Friday

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert comes out of the closet and says he is a Cincinnati Bengals receiver....A day after falling to 0-8 against the Red Sox, the panicked Yankees announce they have traded their entire minor system to Real Madrid for Ronaldo. ... Congress passes a sweeping anti-smoking bill that President Obama claims will save the lives of 2.3 million NASCAR fans per year.

Saturday

Iranian presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi calls for a recount after it's revealed Manny Ramirez finished ahead of him in the fan voting. ... After losing to Ben Roethlisberger in the Golf Digest challenge, Michael Jordan fires longtime caddy Scottie Pippen. ... Alabama announces that when Nick Saban retires as football coach, he will be replaced by Tim Floyd.

This week's guaranteed results:

Tiger Woods will not Twitter during the U.S. Open.

The Pittsburgh Lakers will win the NBA title.

By a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court will rule the Iranian election has been won by George W. Bush.