Week in Review: Unveiling the Rest of 'The List'

So it turns out Sammy Sosa was a steroid freak.

Who'da thunk it?

When it comes to surprises, last week's revelation was like finding out Iran's elections were juiced for the incumbent. If you want shocking news, however, you've come to the right place.

We are ready to reveal all the players who failed baseball's 2003 drug test. The results were supposed to be kept confidential, but Alex Rodriguez's name was leaked to Sports Illustrated and Sosa was outed last week in the New York Times.

There are 102 names to go. This drip-drip-drip could go on for years, but we're not going to let it.

We here at Week in Review are tired of other media outlets getting the scoop. So in a desperate attempt to be invited on "Outside the Lines" and get a book deal, here are the people who failed the drug test:

Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, Mark McGwire, Bud Selig, Rafael Palmeiro, Andy Pettitte, Gary Sheffield, Al Gore, Jason Giambi, Troy Glaus, Robert Downey Jr., Manny Ramirez, Nebraska's offensive line, Eric Gagne, Smarty Jones, Gary Matthews Jr., Arnold Schwarzenegger and whomever the CBS executive was who thought it would be a good idea to hire Katie Couric.

We realize that's only 18 names. Our sources say the remaining 84 entries are all listed as "Barry Bonds". Apparently, he injected so many steroids FBI experts thought they were dealing with multi-octuplets all bearing the same name.

We fully expect the players union, agents and the Pentagon to deny the accuracy of our report. They might even file libel lawsuits, in which case we plan to fall back on the famed Sosa Defense of raising our right hand and saying, "No Comprende."

Never mind that -- like Sosa, I have lived in the United States since coming to this country as a poor 105-pound shortstop from the Dominican Republic. Two decades and 2,391 injections of Winstrol later, we both were still unable to speak English well enough to testify before Congress without a translator.

So bring it on, lawyers. We guarantee the names in our report are as accurate as this week's recap.

Last Sunday

The Lakers win the NBA championship, causing hundreds of fans to riot outside the Staples Center in protest of the Iranian election ... In related news, thousands of Iranians take the streets of Tehran to protest Mahmoud Ahmadinejad naming himself MVP of the Finals ... Mark Martin takes the LifeLock 400, becoming the first driver to win a NASCAR event while his turn signal unknowingly flashed the entire race ... Detroit captain Nicklas Lidstrom rips Pittsburgh captain LeBron James for not shaking his hand following Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Monday

Just three games into the WNBA season, Detroit Shock coach Bill Laimbeer quits after receiving his 25-year high school reunion invitation and realizing he'd have to tell people what he does for a living ... In the debut of Joe Buck Live, Brett Favre says if his arm surgery is successful he will play for Southern Miss this season ... LeBron James visits the White House and is named to GM's new board of directors by President Obama.

Tuesday

Cleveland receiver Donte Stallworth pleads guilty to DUI manslaughter and is sentenced to running extra wind sprints by a judge wearing a Brady Quinn jersey under his robe. A PETA spokesman says the sentence was justified since Stallworth did not kill a dog ... After Sammy Sosa is outed for failing the drug test, Roger Clemens claims the entire list has been made up by Brian McNamee ... Hedo Turkoglu's agent says he will opt out of his contract unless the Magic find a jump shot for Dwight Howard ... Previously sealed memos indicate the NCAA plans to strip Bobby Bowden of 14 wins unless he admits using ineligible players when he kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

Wednesday

Donte Stallworth proclaims he is ready for training camp after he runs a 4.2 40-yard dash while wearing his new ankle bracelet ... The White House Bowling League is thrown into disarray when Hillary Clinton falls and breaks her right elbow. She blames the incident on the vast right-wing conspiracy ... After the Dade County school board names a new high school after Alonzo Mourning, the Detroit school board names a juvenile detention center after Allen Iverson ... Lakers owner Jerry Buss is spotted at a casino playing poker during the team's victory parade. He goes for an inside straight and loses $500,000 to Tim Donaghy.

Thursday

Under pressure from People for the Ethical Treatment of Human Beings, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends Donte Stallworth indefinitely ... Maurice Clarett's attorney asks for early parole saying the former Ohio State star needs to resume his career before he is too old to knock over 7-Elevens ... With his gambling activities exposed, David Stern gives Jerry Buss the choice of a two-year suspension or becoming a minor-league outfielder in the White Sox organization ... Shaquille O'Neal boasts that Alonzo Mourning never won an NBA title without him and demands that Florida Governor Charlie Criss name a city after him.

Friday

Bernie Kosar files for bankruptcy, prompting the Obama Administration to immediately take over the entire University of Miami athletic department and name Barney Frank head football coach ... Tomoji Tanabe, 113, dies at his home in Japan, officially making Mark Martin the world's oldest driver ... Rafael Nadal withdraws from Wimbledon after the All-England Club passes a rule prohibiting male players from wearing women's Capri shorts ... Caddy Steve Williams tries to beat up God after a raindrop falls on Tiger Woods during a backswing at the U.S. Open.

Saturday

Supreme Court nominee Sondra Sotomayor resigns from an all-women's club in hopes of being offered a membership at Augusta National ... The U.S. Open is delayed when drunken NBC executives start throwing up on the greens at the thought of Ricky Barnes or Lucas Glover winning ... Oprah takes her entire staff on an all-expenses-paid Mediterranean cruise. Inspired, Bill Bidwill takes the entire Cardinals organization out for lunch at a Phoenix homeless shelter.

Next week's guaranteed news or your money back:

Manny Ramirez's debut with Triple-A Albuquerque is delayed after he takes a wrong turn and ends up in Peoria ... In a much-anticipated announcement, Jon & Kate Plus Eight's celeb mother admits she took female fertility drugs in hopes of hitting like Alex Rodriguez ... After six spectators drown and Tiger Woods falls 12 shots behind, the USGA cancels the final round of the U.S. Open.