Week in Review: Nike's Secret Agents on The Prowl

Despite what you may have heard, it was a good week for Nike. I just can't prove it because the company confiscated the tape.

It would have shown Nike employees Tiger Woods and Roger Federer winning tournaments. A Nike-sponsored bull setting a world record for goring while running the streets of Pamplona. The U.S. and Russia agreeing to cut their stockpiles of nuclear weapons and Adidas apparel.

All video proof was lost, however, thanks to The Dunk Heard But Not Seen 'Round The World.

In case you spent last week on Pluto and didn't hear, some college kid posterized LeBron James at his basketball camp. Nike agents swooped in and snatched the tape, touching off a worldwide outcry that will echo until NFL camps open and we have better things to talk about.

If you didn't know better you'd think it was all just a Swoosh marketing ploy, only nobody's figured out how this doesn't make LeBron look like Richard Nixon.

Destroy the tapes!

King James is apparently more sensitive about his image than Mariah Carey. Tapes of Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals have also disappeared, along with mall surveillance video of James accepting two throwback jerseys in 2003 and losing his high-school eligibility.

In semi-related news, former Washington D.C. mayor Marion Berry was arrested last week for stalking his ex-girlfriend. If only he'd signed with Nike 20 years ago the FBI never would have had those tapes of him smoking crack with Dan Snyder in a hotel room.

(Legal note: Snyder has never been secretly videotaped smoking a crack pipe. It has only seemed that way after signing Steve Spurrier, Adam Archuleta, Deion Sanders and Jeff George).

All I know is that if I'm Jordan Crawford, I'm worried. He's the Xavier guard who threw one down in LeBron's face. Not only has the tape disappeared, so has Crawford's birth certificate, driver's license, Social Security number and parents.

Rumor has it Crawford is slated for the Nike Federal Witness Relocation Program. He will be transported to and brainwashed in the back of a sweatshop by 11-year-old girls who make 29 cents a month until he confesses that he's never even heard of LeBron James.

As for what else happened last week, roll tape:

Sunday

Roger Federer wins his 15th Grand Slam, making him eligible to become the third Williams sister ... Ryan Dempster breaks his toe coming out of the dugout to celebrate Chicago's win over Milwaukee. Slow-motion replays show that Steve Bartman accidentally stuck out his leg and tripped Dempster ... Tournament host Tiger Woods wins the AT&T National then refuses to answer his own questions during the awards ceremony ... The U.S. State Department accuses North Korea of launching a cyber attack against YouTube for posting video of Jordan Crawford dunking on Kim Jong-Il.

Monday

LPGA players sign a petition asking commissioner Carolyn Bivens to stop changing the subject whenever somebody asks her what she does for a living ...The ACC moves next season's baseball tournament out of Myrtle Beach, S.C., due to the state flying the Confederate flag. That eliminated the chance any ACC tournament will ever be held in the infield during a NASCAR race ... ESPN.com reports that LeBron James told free agent Trevor Ariza that he might shake his hand if he signs with Cleveland.

Tuesday

At the Congressional hearing on the BCS, Sen. Orrin Hatch threatens to ban all sideline shots of Erin Andrews unless the BCS names Utah the 2009 national champion ... Junior Seau tells a San Diego radio station that he might come out of retirement if he can remember where he put his rheumatism pills ... Chad Ochocinco says he will catch passes during NFL games this season as long as it doesn't interfere with his Twittering.

Wednesday

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reaches the summit of Mt. Rainier, where he is promptly greeted by lawyers representing Michael Vick. Inspired, LPGA players sign a petition asking Carolyn Bivens to go climb Mt. Everest without an oxygen tank ... After Erin Andrews is hit in the face by a foul ball, an ESPN spokesman says "We wish Erin a speedy recovery and vow to stand by her as long as the injury does not leave any permanent disfigurement." ... More bad economic news. The NBA announces its salary cap will decrease $1 million next season to $57.7 million, meaning the average player entourage might be cut from 9.2 to 8.1 flunkies.

Thursday

Barack Obama and French president Nicola Sarkozy are photographed checking out the rear end of a 16-year-old girl at the G8 Summit. A White House spokesman says the photograph was taken out of context and the actual video shows Jordan Crawford dunking on Sarkozy ... The SEC announces its salary cap will increase to $69.5 million. John Calipari says the Kentucky basketball team will be $13 million over the cap but is willing to pay the luxury tax ... Landon Donovan accuses David Beckham of being a bad teammate, prompting Beckham to say he is "fully committed to the Los Angeles Earthquakes, or whatever they're called."

Friday

Roger Goodell's conquering of Mt. Rainier is overturned by the replay official who rules the commissioner had one foot out of bounds before reaching the summit ... On the 10th anniversary of the U.S. women's soccer team winning the World Cup, Brandi Chastain takes off her shirt and makes her boss a cup of coffee ... Barack Obama visits the Vatican and says Pope Benedict assured him Charlie Weis will be fired if Notre Dame doesn't win at least 10 games this year.

Saturday

Forgetting he's no longer with WWE, Brock Lesnar hits Frank Mir over the head with a folding chair to keep the heavyweight title at UFC 100 and then vows to destroy Triple H in a Loser-Leave-Town match ... Nike raids theaters across America to confiscate copies of Bruno featuring a scene of the gay Austrian fashion reporter dunking on LeBron James.

Next Week's Can't-Miss Predictions

After making a 32-foot putt to win the British Open, Colin Montgomorie will fall to his knees, rip off his shirt and jubilantly expose his sports bra ... Tim Wakefield will not win the Home Run Derby contest at the All-Star game ... UFC president Dana White will announce UFC 101 will be headlined by a pillow fight between Landon Donovan and David Beckham. The winner will face Bruno.