Week in Review: Men Are Dogs

In the interest of maintaining your sanity, we hereby declare this column a Michael Vick Free Zone. You have to be as tired of reading about him as we are of making fun of him.

Besides, last week provided plenty of other dogs to bark at, highlighted by the love triangle of Rick Pitino, Reggie Miller and John Edwards.

No, they're not in that kind of love triangle. All three just got various comeuppances for fooling around.

Pitino's was the tawdriest since he is, or was, a respected public figure. Miller is an ex-NBA player and Edwards an ex-politician, so the morality bar is already so low Travis Henry could hop over it holding six illegitimate kids in each arm.

We're not even sure what Miller did other than text some rich hottie named Ali Kay about 60 times after meeting her in a supermarket. Now Miller claims she was stalking him. Whatever, her husband rented a plane and flew a banner reading "Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women."

It could have been worse. A Kentucky booster sent up a plane with the banner "Rick Pitino Stop Pursuing Five-Star Recruits And Making Your Assistant Coaches Marry Women You Impregnated After Paying For Abortions While Getting Extorted For $10 Million."

In related news, a Pennsylvania man was convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Walt Disney World.

The amazing thing was that Bill Clinton celebrated his 63rd birthday in Las Vegas without incident, though Hillary still issued a preemptive press release blaming the photos of Bill in hot tub with Daisy Duck on a "vast right-wing conspiracy."

And our Quote of the Week:

"Ummbuh Buubbdilln."

So said Bob Dylan after being picked up Long Branch, N.J., police after reports of someone wandering around a low-income neighborhood in the city.

Dylan had no identification, and the 24-year-old cop apparently had no idea who Bob Dylan was. As sacrilegious as that sounds to the Woodstock crowd, the fact is Dylan hasn't sung an intelligible word since that cop was in potty training.

It turned out Dylan was merely taking a walk before a concert at a nearby baseball stadium. It's hard to decide what's funnier, a rock icon being mistaken for a hobo or a rock icon wandering around a crappy neighborhood just to kill time.

We would ponder that question but we just spotted a PGA rules official outside the window. Before he puts us on the clock for slow column play, we'll proceed with the review and try to avoid all references to the NFL's Most Wanted.

But why, oh why, couldn't he have signed with Cleveland just to see how many members of the Dawg Pound would start howling, and how many would decide they are suddenly his best friend?

Last Sunday

Tiger Woods' caddie, Steve Williams, throws PGA official John Paramor into a pond after he cites Woods and Padraig Harrington for slow play.

Nancy Pelosi says Iranians protesting against their government are "un-American."

The world's tallest dog reportedly dies in California, prompting the New York Knicks to send flowers to the family of Jerome James.

Monday

Pacman Jones buys 200 tickets to the next Miley Cyrus concert after she dances on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards.

Charlie Weis says his new artificial right knee will allow him to coach from the sideline this season, but that he still doesn't plan to use an actual game plan.

Hillary Clinton tosses her microphone at a Congolese student after he asks her what Bill Clinton thinks about Ali Kay.

Tuesday

Former Nebraska tailback Lawrence Phillips is convicted on seven felony assault charges in San Diego, clearing the way for him to sign with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Boston's Kevin Youkilis charges the mound and throws his purse at Detroit pitcher Rick Porcello.

John Edwards says DNA test may reveal he is the father of his mistress' child, but adds "at least I didn't screw the Celtics out of $50 million."

Wednesday

A Cubs fan tosses a beer on Philadelphia's Shane Victorino, prompting a nationwide search for Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates.

The International Olympic Committee adds golf and rugby to the 2016 Games but vows to hold a spot for "Texas Hold 'Em" if ESPN wins the broadcast rights.

Louisville's president exclaims "He's our guy!" after Rick Pitino vows to produce more wins than offspring next season.

Thursday

Inspired by cash-strapped New Mexico State asking fans to donate post-practice snacks to football players, Oklahoma asks fans to donate Escalades to its new recruits.

Madden 2010 hits the stores with the Philadelphia Eagles on the cover.

Sarah Palin criticizes the NFL for proposing the creation of "Sudden Death Panels" to decide when games should end.

Friday

U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon belatedly congratulates Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for winning the Iranian election, BYU for winning the 1984 national football championship and Barry Bonds for becoming baseball's all-time home run king.

John Edwards admits that DNA tests may reveal that he is the father of our country.

The wife of WWE boss Vince McMahon says she might run for the U.S. Senate and has already hired Bobby "The Brain" Heenan to be her campaign manager.

Saturday

In a Town Hall meeting on health care, President Obama vows "not to pull the plug on grandma," but says he might consider it for the United Football League.

In a major success for the Star Wars defense system, the Air Force announces a laser beam successfully hit on a missile 14,000 miles away using the new Reggie Miller Tracking Radar.

O.J. Mayo is sued after allegedly refusing to pay for $150,000 worth of customized diamond jewelry. Mayo blames the NCAA for holding up payment of his 401K plan from USC.

Next Week

The University of Louisville will name John Edwards dean of the Ethics Department.

Andy Reid will blame the signing of (Name Withheld) on the brown acid he took to commemorate the 40th anniversary of Woodstock.

The Mets find Bob Dylan wandering around their bullpen and immediately put him in the starting rotation.