Picking a Sports Mate for the Afterlife

If you could spend eternity with one person, who would it be?

A lot of American males would say Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately, she's out of the picture unless you happen to have an extra $4.6 million lying around.

That's what the crypt above Monroe's final resting place is going for, pending the next bid on eBay. The widow of the man currently interred there is selling the world's most coveted final resting place.

Since last Friday, the price has gone from $500,000 to $4,505,301 as I write. You have until next Monday to bid, so buy those lottery tickets now.

"Here is a once in a lifetime and into eternity opportunity to spend your eternal days directly above Marilyn Monroe," wrote Elsie Poncher.

Her ex-husband, Richard, has been shacking up with Monroe since 1986. He's not actually living with her, but you get the idea. All of which made me wonder:

We are now a nation of certifiable sports nuts. To many of you, Tiger Woods or Derek Jeter is Marilyn Monroe.

Which sports star would you want spend eternity with?

Allow me to play funeral director. We can mark Tiger off the list right away. Wherever he's buried, you can bet caddie Steve Williams will be interred next to him. The last thing you want to do is spend eternity with that guy glowering at you.

It's a lot easier to make a list of people you wouldn't want to be around forever. I'd prefer walking through the Gates of Hell to moving in next to Tonya Harding, Barry Bonds, O.J. Simpson, Roger Clemens and Terrell Owens.

Stephon Marbury? The second-hand smoke alone would kill you.

Brett Favre? He couldn't decide what crypt to lie in for more than five minutes.

Tim Tebow? Not available since he'll return from the dead after three days and ascend directly to heaven.

Secretariat? What would you talk about?

Wayne Gretzky? He might talk about hockey.

Ideally (and I'm speaking strictly from a red-blooded male perspective), you'd want to spend eternity with a woman. A good-looking woman.

This raises a bit of a social dilemma since historically there haven't been a lot of superstar athletes who could moonlight as supermodels. I'd love to have Babe Didrikson-Zaharias on my celestial softball team, but I wouldn't want to take her back to the crypt after the game.

Anna Kournikova has the looks, but she'll need to un-retire and actually win a tournament before getting consideration.

That's what makes Monroe the ultimate eternal neighbor. Not only was she an extraordinary looker, she married Joe DiMaggio and fooled around with every Kennedy except Eunice.

You want to move in next to an icon since it raises your stature. It's just that true icons aren't easy to find. And they're usually so iconic.

It would be an honor to spend eternity next to Jackie Robinson or Arthur Ashe or Lou Gehrig. But they're so revered you'd be scared to ask them over for a beer. Gehrig lived at home until he was 30. You think he'd want to hear you partying all hours of the day?

The perfect eternal neighbor would be incredibly famous and fun. Michael Jordan comes close, but he's too competitive and might draft Adam Morrison for our cemetery fantasy team.

My list comes down to three transcendent athletes who also seem like they'd be great to hang with. Muhammad Ali, Babe Ruth and Wilt Chamberlain.

Imagine the stories they could tell. Wilt alone has 20,000 of them, though they might get a little repetitive after a while.

You couldn't go wrong with Ali unless Joe Frazier moved into a nearby crypt, but ultimately I'd have to go with the Babe. He enjoyed everything life threw at him, and I don't think that would change in death.

If Richard Poncher was a sports fan, I bet he'd agree. But sports are sports and blonde bombshells are blonde bombshells.

I also bet they're going to have to take him kicking and screaming from his crypt. He left specific instructions for his wife upon his death.

"If you don't put me upside down over Marilyn, I'll haunt you the rest of my life."

Sure enough, Elsie had him flipped over before they slid him into the crypt. Now she says she needs the money to pay off the $1.6 million mortgage on her home in Beverly Hills.

What's more important, an earthly house in Beverly Hills or an eternal one next to Marilyn Monroe?

Somehow I don't think offering to bury him next to Anna Kournikova is going to help.