If Looks Could Kill, They'd Be QBs

If you dream of becoming an NFL quarterback, take a look in the mirror.

If you see Howard Stern, forget it.

You might as well plan on a career as an offensive lineman or Tom Coughlin. So says a new study that found all NFL quarterbacks truly are beautiful people.

This isn't some In Touch magazine poll that factors in Mark Sanchez's abs. It's based on scientifically accepted facial-symmetry research. And the science suggests that Atlanta should win the Super Bowl since Matt Ryan is the handsomest of them all.

He is followed by Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. That ranking is rankling 'em in Green Bay, where most fans now think Favre resembles the back end of a rhinoceros.

The biggest surprise was that Tom Brady came in No. 8. That trailed Matt Hasselbeck (No. 4) and Ben Roethlisberger (No. 6), neither of whom can carry Brady's man-purse when it comes to sheer loveliness. Or so my wife tells me.

And sorry, Cowboys fans. Tony Romo is No. 23. No wonder Jessica Simpson dumped him. Or did he dump her?

It doesn't matter. The larger point is even the ugliest quarterback is far more handsome than the average American male. That doesn't mean you have to look like somebody Gisele Bundchen would marry in order to be a professional quarterback, but it sure doesn't hurt.

"The way I would put it is that a more symmetrical face makes it more likely the people are going to think you're a good quarterback," said David Berri, an Associate Economics professor at Southern Utah University.

He co-authored the study based on the kind of empirical data economists love, obsessed parents might abuse and football coaches would scoff at. Imagine Mike Ditka saying he drafted a quarterback because he had full lips, high cheekbones and deep, dreamy eyes.

"I would imagine it would make people in the NFL just a bit nervous to think about it," Berri said. "Although we emphasize this is a common story outside sports."

It's a story older than Joe Namath: The good-looking guy gets the chicks, and the playbook.

I'm just glad Marv Marinovich was too old to father another child. He raised his son to be a Robo QB. Young Todd never ate a Ding Dong and watched USC game tapes instead of Sesame Street and ended up a Robo Mess.

If Marv had heard of facial symmetry, he probably would have given Todd a nose job and cheek implants for his fifth birthday.

The scary part is there are more Marv Marinoviches out there than ever. They'd all agree with the piles of research showing that humans find symmetrical faces more attractive.

Symmetrical means balanced and properly proportioned. The average human has a 90 percent symmetrical face. Lyle Lovett alone probably brought that score down six or seven points.

His wandering nose and squinty eyes were good enough for Julia Roberts. Then again, she's not in charge of the Packers' scouting department.

The quarterback study used computer imaging to rank symmetry. Here's the top 10:

Ryan, 99.82 percent.
Favre, 99.78 percent.
Rodgers, 99.59 percent.
Hasselbeck, 99.56 percent.
Kerry Collins, 99.49 percent.
Roethlisberger, 99.43 percent.
Shaun Hill, 99.35 percent.
Brady, 99.14 percent.
Philip Rivers, 99.04 percent.
Kurt Warner, 98.98 percent.

For all their success, the Mannings might as well be the Marx Brothers of QB beauty. Eli was No. 22 (98.129 percent), just ahead of Peyton (98.120).

Various reports also have Romo at No. 23. The study's authors have only released the top 10, and the rest is leaked info that might not be completely accurate.

It doesn't really matter since the lowest-rated QB still came in above 96 percent. That still puts them in the Dreamboat category.

God, I hate those guys.

They have the adoration, the money and the looks. If the Elephant Man were a quarterback, I'd take him No. 1 in my fantasy league out of sheer symmetrical spite.

But a young Elephant Man with a great arm would probably be told to start taking steroids and become a pulling guard. Studies show kids with symmetrically superior faces get more attention and praise.

Researchers say coaches are human too, so they are more likely to direct the most attractive players to the most attractive position.

"It does reflect a tendency we have to think that good-looking people know what they are doing," Berri said.

Sheesh, hasn't anybody ever seen a Keanu Reeves movie? The latest symmetry study was inspired by an earlier one that found better-looking quarterbacks make more money than less-symmetrical ones.

"If you have two quarterbacks that are actually identical in performance, people will think the better looking quarterback is just a bit better," Berri said. "I do not think symmetry helps a quarterback actually perform better, though."

To the Marv Marinoviches who don't want to take that chance, two words of advice:

Michael Jackson.

No amount of facial work could have turned him into a quarterback.

The rest of us symmetrically-challenged losers will just have to take comfort in knowing the study isn't infallible.

Favre may have a face that launched 1,000 ships, but he's also launched 310 interceptions. That's what he gets for not shaving.