Screen Pass: The Football All-Stars

When my brother was in college, he and his buddies used to argue about what players would be the starters on a fictional sports roster, comprised of characters from TV shows and movies. I thought this was a superb idea. Since I'm a dork, I have made up my own TV/movie teams for baseball, football and basketball. I've already posted the baseball one here on FanHouse. Today, we'll put together the best football squad in the history of the world.

Now, we can't proceed without laying out the ground rules. Here they are:

1. No real or famous people who were portrayed in movies (like Gale Sayers in Brian's Song, for example). We can, however, use characters from shows or movies based upon a true story -- like Friday Night Lights or Remember the Titans.

2. No "bad guys," meaning we're only using players from the protagonist teams.

3. Personality and talent are equally weighed. Sure, we want a good football team, but this is entertainment. If someone is oozing charisma -- such as our starting fullback -- he's always going to get the nod over a boring character with more talent.

Let's get to it.
Starting Offense

QB - Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds, The Longest Yard): He's a leader and a winner on the football field. What more can you ask from your quarterback? We can conveniently overlook his off-field issues. We can also conveniently forget about the abominable remake by Adam Sandler and company. Can't we?

RB - Al Bundy (Ed O'Neil, Married With Children): Um, four touchdowns in a high school game ring any bells? He holds off more talented brethren at the position based upon him being probably the best character in the history of TV. Just wait until we need some hard yards, he'll get down in his three-point stance after having said, "Let's rock."

FB - Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch, Friday Night Lights, TV): Anyone who has ever seen the show loves him. He's a bruising blocker, beer crusher, girl chaser and pretty talented runner when given the chance. He'll protect his teammates to a fault (like when the racist opponents hit Smash Williams late and Riggins absolutely leveled the guy who did it, starting a brawl).

WR - Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr., Jerry Maguire): I'm tempted to kick him off the team for the ridiculous theatrics after he wakes up from his faux-coma on a game-changing touchdown. Still, he coined "Show me the money" and possesses an exceptional amount of "coin" (pronounced QUON).

WR - Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan, Varsity Blues): He's got the speed, hands and precision route running. He's also the party animal who stole a cop car in the midst of a victory party and ended up with several naked chicks in the back seat. Not really sure how this pick can go wrong.

TE - Brian Murphy (David Denman, The Replacements): Sad that he would have made the NFL if not for being deaf. That's good enough for me. Bonus points for range; Denman's also Roy from The Office.

T - Billy Bob (Ron Lester, Varsity Blues): On sheer size alone, he makes it. Plus, he has a pet pig named "Bacon." That's pretty cool. Let's also consider the clutch game-winning touchdown he made on the hook-and-ladder play -- which followed his bowling over half the line on a punt, enabling Tweeder to block it.

T - Bud Kaminsky (Abraham Benrubi, The Program): Perfect backside protection for any quarterback. Big-time bonus points here because he sings as he's pass-blocking.

G - Andre Krimm (Sinbad, Necessary Roughness): I moved him to guard, even though he played tackle in the movie. He's the best candidate for a move because he's a bit smaller, incredibly smart (remember, he was a professor) and a solid leader in the locker room.

G - Madman Kelly (Andrew Briniarski, Any Given Sunday): Listens to Metallica to get fired up, throws pet alligators in the shower as a joke to scare his teammates and has the physique of a body builder. We need at least one prototypical psycho lineman. He'll do.

C - Manumana (Peter Tuiasosopo, Necessary Roughness): The Samoan gentleman who treats the female kicker like a lady, Manumana "The Slender" is a dream center. He guarantees Paul Blake safety on the final play of the game, only to make a last-minute save in knocking the facemask off the opposing defender.

Starting Defense

(We're going to play a 4-4, cover three -- due to having loads of on-screen talent at linebacker and defensive line while not having a lot to choose from in the defensive backfield. I'll warn you, this front eight is a more menacing unit than any real team has ever put together)

DE - Julius Campbell (Wood Harris, Remember the Titans): Teamed up with one of our starting linebackers to make one of the most fierce line-linebacker duos we've ever seen. "Left side ... strong side!"

DE - Charles Jefferson (Forrest Whitaker, Fast Times at Ridgemont High): Came through with a maniacal performance at homecoming when some classmates trashed his car and led him to believe the opposing team did it. We can find ways to keep him as intense on a weekly basis. That's the benefit of having a team full of characters.

DT - Samson (Richard Kiel, The Longest Yard): Well, let's see ... he's a giant, he later portrayed the dude with a nail in his head on Happy Gilmore, and he brought us the line, "I think I just broke his (expletive deleted) neck!"

DT - Steve Lattimer (Andrew Briniarski, The Program): This is assuming there is no drug testing, because Lattimer was a shell of himself without the 'roids. When he's on them, though, he's an animal.

OLB - Luther "Shark" Lavay (Lawrence Taylor, Any Given Sunday): Sure, he's a money player, but you gotta like the tenacity of a guy who will saw someone's car in half to prove a point. Plus, it's freaking LT.

OLB - Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler, The Waterboy): All you have to do is tell him "water sucks" and he goes ballistic (NSFW), shattering sack records at every turn.

ILB - Alvin Mack (Duane Davis, The Program): Here is our defensive captain. He's also the best player on the team in addition to being the best trash-talker (check out a not-even-remotely safe for work YouTube of him). He was the on-screen version of Ray Lewis.

ILB - Gerry Bertier (Ryan Hurst, Remember the Titans): Unfortunately, the auto accident rendered him paralyzed from the waist down, but before that happened, he was a machine for the Titans.

S - Brian Chavez (Jay Hernandez, Friday Night Lights, movie): I don't have any other options, really. He's a good enough player.

CB - Ray Smith/Earl Wilkinson (Michael Jace, The Replacements): He has two names because the team bailed him out of jail. In order to suit him up, they had to lie about his name. That's pretty cool, huh? I wonder if Pacman is going to start trying to use an alias to find his way back into the NFL.

CB - Petey Jones (Donald Faison, Remember the Titans): Great athlete who can make some big plays.

Special Teams

P - Nigel "The Leg" Gruff (Rhys Ifans, The Replacements): He was actually the kicker, but we have a brunette beauty holding down that spot. With his leg strength, Gruff will do just fine as a punter. Let's just hope his cigarette doesn't fall out of his mouth when he's catching the snap.

K - Lucy Draper (Kathy Ireland, Necessary Roughness): Honestly, I'm good with having her around just for the eye candy, but she did make a clutch kick to tie Kansas. Plus, she stood up for herself by kicking an opposing player in the junk after he decked her.

KR - Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump): We'll make sure to have our cue cards ready, telling him which direction to go, when to run and when to stop.

PR - Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps, The Program): For some reason, movies don't often have studly punt returners. Which is odd, because when Devin Hester was setting records, he was arguably the most exciting player in football. I can't understand why more movies don't have phenomenal returners taking it to the house. Anyway, Jefferson is a stellar running back and he makes a great return late in the movie. Plus, he's a cool cat who snags an older woman -- his tutor -- portrayed by Halle Berry. Maybe you've heard of her?

Coaching Staff

Head Coach - Eric Taylor (Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights, TV): He's a father figure to some of his players, a great motivator and a good Xs-and-Os guy. He also has a hot wife and hot daughter.

Motivational Coach - Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino, Any Given Sunday): A flawed character himself, D'Amato draws from his inner turmoil to deliver (not safe for work, by the way) the best motivational speech in the history of coaching. We'll see how many more of these gems he has in him.

Offensive Coordinator - "Straight Arrow" Gennero (Hector Elizondo, Necessary Roughness): He designed a playbook to benefit his untalented team, so he's going to have a field day with the talent we've assembled.

Defensive Coordinator - Herman Boone (Denzel Washington, Remember the Titans): Not really much explanation needed. He brought a divided team together and will excel at any task.

Other assistants - Molly McGrath (Goldie Hawn, Wildcats), Danny O'Shea (Rick Moranis, Little Giants -- based purely upon his "Annexation of Puerto Rico"), and, of course, The Fonz (it was actually Coach Klein, played by Henry Winkler in The Waterboy).

The Bench

Steamin' Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx, Any Given Sunday), Joe Kane (Craig Sheffer, The Program), Smash Williams (Gaius Charles, Friday Night Lights, TV), Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton, Varsity Blues), Trumaine (Wesley Snipes, Wildcats), Krushinsky (Woody Harrelson, Wildcats), Don Billingsley (Garrett Hedlund, Friday Night Lights, movie), Cerulo (Jsu Garcia, Wildcats), Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy, Any Given Sunday), Danny Burke (Matt Salinger, Revenge of the Nerds), Peanut (Rodney Hill, Wildcats), Louie Lastik (Ethan Suplee, Remember the Titans), Joe Bob Priddy and OW Shaddock from North Dallas Forty, Ivory Christian (Lee Jackson, Friday Night Lights, movie), Ogre (Donald Gibb, Revenge of the Nerds), Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau, The Replacements), Samurai (Michael Dolan, Necessary Roughness), Hank Hill (King of the Hill).

We'll use Derek Wallace (Larry Gilliard, Jr., The Waterboy) for kickoffs, since he proved to be great at onsides kicks.

I guess Rudy (Sean Astin, Rudy) and Lucas (Corey Haim, Lucas) can carry our equipment and play on the practice squad, but they aren't nearly cool enough to see the field.

Our Secret "Weapon"

Finally, if we're ever in need of a one-time, last-second touchdown to win the big game, we're rostering Billy Cole -- aka the dude from The Last Boy Scout who shot everyone and took it to the house. If all else fails and we're in a bind, he's a sure thing for a score.