NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.
More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds
Is there anything funnier than laughing at fat people? Of course not, you stupid fatty. It is with great pleasure that I get to "announce" the Tom Cable vs. Wade Phillips fight, which features two of my favorite NFL fatties. But -- and here's the best part -- I love their fatness for totally different reasons, which is what will make this matchup so freaking enjoyable.
Cable, obviously, is a steakface, and he's the sole inspiration for Fake Fight Club in the first place. You may recall that our own Nancy Gay broke the news when Cable allegedly punched an assistant coach. So you know that you don't eff with the guy. He's mean, he's ruthless, he's large, he's violent, he may or not spit hot bacon grease, and he's not scared to just deck you in the face.
In other words, he's the total opposite of the uber-jolly Phillips, who is probably best known for making Drew Magary famous through his seemingly dead-on impersonation of the pudgy porker's pathetic behavior. And for the record, I'm pretty sure that no one actually believes that he's any different than Magary's caricature would indicate.
Which, sadly, might lead many people to think that this fight would be quick, painless and possibly even involve "Wade not waddling into the ring." However, look how long he's lasted with Jerry Jones as his boss -- if there's one good thing you can say about Phillips outside of he's "big-boned," it is most certainly that he's willing to get punched in the face over and over again and keep coming back for more. That's precisely why this fight will rule.
Wade will wander out into the ring, Cable will promptly deck him, Wade will fall down, the ring will shake, Wade will bounce (literally) back up and Cable will quickly powerbomb him into into oblivion. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary until Wade is a bloody pulp of pork rinds. Unlike Phillips' stint in Dallas, at least this will be entertaining.
