NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.
More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds
It's hard to handicap a fight between these native Texans because they are both supposed to be so niiiiiice. Physically, they are about the same size and look to be in similar shape, though Texans coach Gary Kubiak's hair looks pointy-pointy, like a stabby weapon that could gouge your eyes out with a headbutt.
From all accounts, Bears coach Lovie Smith is exceedingly nice. Not just nice for a head coach, but actual nice. Doesn't curse, doesn't yell, donates money each month to his hometown church in Big Sandy, Texas.
His actual given name is "Lovie," not an ironic nickname like calling a fat guy "Tiny." Perhaps he's a speak-softly-carry-a-big-stick guy given that he played defensive end and linebacker in high school and then linebacker and safety in college.
Hard to think of him punching anyone, but I will say that "Lovie Lee Smith" makes for an excellent fight name.
Before Gary Kubiak was a clipboard carrier for John Elway, and perhaps one of the most beloved backup quarterbacks of all time, he was a four-sport athlete for St. Pius X High School in Houston and then quarterbacked Texas A&M. Very likeable guy, never fired from a job which is more than most coaches can say. I looked to see if I could find any evidence of fights this good Catholic boy has been in, but all I discovered was Steelers linebacker Greg Lloyd getting ejected from his first pro game for punching Kubiak.
Kubiak does train like a fighter. Despite 95-plus temperatures at Texans training camp practices, he wears a sweatshirt and then often runs back to the facility to get his exercise in. I've been told he likes wearing sweatshirts in the heat because he enjoys sweating.
Perhaps he can out-stench his opponent in this matchup.
Kubiak, unlike Smith is known to yell and cuss at his players. And make very mean faces. Sage Rosenfels had to ask Kubiak to stop cussing him when he made mistakes because it wasn't going to help him stop being the Rosenchoppa.
One of the interesting things about doing this write-up was how difficult it was to find any animated or mean pictures of Lovie Smith. Page after page of pictures, and he looked pretty zen and calm in just about all of them. Maybe he's an android. Or a KILLER ROBOT!!! He's just deceiving the world with his calm, even-keeled demeanor but totally ready to take out NFL coaches with laserbeams that shoot out of his eyeballs and other creepy killer robot stuff.
Not likely, but how likely is it to be a head coach and never get caught by cameras moving your face in any sort of negative expression. I mean, Rex Grossman was his quarterback.
Kubiak, on the other hand, was very easy to find all sorts of faces -- smiling, angry, yelling, snarky, and the thin-lipped "I'm fixin to kick your ass" look. His religious background may be an impediment to a fight, but not if he is fighting a killer robot coach because you get a moral pass kicking the crap out of a machine.
How the propensity for mean faces translates to punching another human being, I don't know.
