The Browns returned to Cleveland in 1999, but they have been a perennial expansion team ever since. For some reason, 2009 seems worse than previous seasons. Maybe it's Eric Mangini's blinding incompetence, or the fact that Brady Quinn is to the quarterback position what JaMarcus Russell is to the quarterback position. Whatever, the organization that continually strives for mediocrity continues to fall woefully short. Which is why we've decided to distract ourselves from the putridity by creating a roster of non-football-playing professional athletes who would immediately make the Browns better. That's not hyperbole.
Quarterback
Joe Mauer: Threw for over 3,000 yards during his senior season in high school, including 41 touchdowns and just five interceptions. At his current pace, Quinn would need 205 games to get to 41.
Allen Iverson: Because at one time he was the best football player in Virginia, and he's currently looking for work.
Todd Helton: Went to University of Tennessee to play both baseball and football. That he backed up Heath Shuler knocks him to third on the depth chart here, but it's still better than telling people, "Yeah, I back up Brady Quinn."
Running Back
Carl Crawford: According to Wikipedia, Crawford "had an option to play college football as an option quarterback at Nebraska, USC, Oklahoma, Florida, and Tulsa." Which for our purposes makes him part-Purple Jesus, part-Ronnie Brown. That'll work.
Justin Upton: He's 6'2, 205 and almost as fast as Crawford. He doesn't have a football background, but neither do most of the people currently in Cleveland's backfield.
Fullback
Kimbo Slice: Really? Do we have to explain this one?
Tight End
Adam Dunn: 6-6, 287, runs well and can't hit a curveball to save his life. But neither can Tony Gonzalez and he's made out okay. And even if Dunn can't catch, he can block.
DeJuan Blair: He doesn't run like Antonio Gates, but he's a big body with great hands. And, honestly, if there's a place in the league for Alge Crumpler, there's a place on the Browns for Blair.
Mark Reynolds: At 6-2, 220, he's more of an H-back.
Wide Receiver
Kobe Bryant: The most athletic player in the NBA, Kobe's rangy, fast, and acrobatic. Think Braylon Edwards, but without the brick mittens.
LeBron James: Whether he runs a 4.3 or a 4.9, James would be part Anquan Boldin, part Hines Ward and possibly more dominant.
Jeff Samardzija: Hey, he made Brady Quinn AND Charlie Weis look good at Notre Dame. That's no easy feat.
Ben Gordon: Think Reggie Bush-type versatility but without the off-field drama.
Ichiro: He's old and undersized but he'd still be one of the fastest guys on the team. If nothing else, Ichiro would be the 9-route guy, and occasionally spell Usain Bolt as a returner.
Offensive Tackle
C.C. Sabathia: He's listed at 6-7, 290, which means he's 6-5, 320. He's basically a smaller, more athletic version of JaMarcus Russell with a better arm. (By the way, you know what this means, right? At some point soon, the left side of the Raiders line will feature Russell and Robert Gallery, two former high-round picks in positions they weren't originally drafted to play. The Oakland Raiders, everybody!) Oh, Sabathia was a standout high school tight end with a scholarship offer from USC.
Jonathan Broxton: He's basically a more compact version of Sabathia.
Offensive Guard
Prince Fielder: He doesn't move well enough in space to be a tackle, but he'd dominate in what scouts refer to as "the phone booth." Particularly if said phone booth is stocked with burritos.
David Ortiz: Big Papi would struggle to get to second-level defenders, but he'd be successful as a finesse player. Which is a nice way of saying "more pass-blocker than run-blocker."
Center
Yadier Molina: Interchangeable with Bengie Molina. And, yes, Jose Molina is on the practice squad.
Defensive End
Tyler Hansbrough: He was known as "Psycho T" in college. In scouting parlance, he has a "great motor," and more importantly, the single-minded focus required of a pass-rusher.
Dwight Howard: Probably undersized for end, but you look at the guy and it's clear he belongs on the field somewhere. Of course, Mangini said the same thing about Vernon Gholston.
Backups: Miguel Cabrera, Blake Griffin, Josh Johnson, Carlos Lee
Defensive Tackle
Big Baby Glenn Davis, Shaquille O'Neal: Obvious.
Nene: Like Howard at DE, Nene may be undersized, but the tenacity makes up for the slight frame.
Bartolo Colon: Because he's fat and it would be funny.
Bobby Jenks: See above.
Linebacker
Carlos Zambrano: He's a crazier, chubbier Ray Lewis without the murder acquittal. It's early though.
Alex Ovechkin, Carlos Boozer: They would be better fits as outside linebackers in a 3-4 scheme, but let's not quibble. This is the Browns -- they'd find a place for both guys. Ovechkin's game is organized chaos and would be a disruptive force coming off the edge. Would get flagged for unnecessary roughness on every play.
Albert Pujols: Because he's good at everything.
John Lackey: Think of him as baseball's answer to Keith Brookings. Kidding. He's more like Zach Thomas. Again, joking. Let's go with Patrick Willis and just move on...
Josh Hamilton: Hamilton is Troy Polamalu with a chemical-dependence problem. And that means he could be the best player on the field, lining up just about anywhere.
Cornerback
Adam Jones: Because he's a better athlete than the dude the Titans drafted in the first round in 2005.
Curtis Granderson: Won't ever get beat deep and unlike the Browns' current crop of defensive backs, Granderson can actually catch.
Chone Figgins: He could play any of the positions in the secondary, not to mention wide receiver and running back. He's sorta like Troy Brown during his Patriots career. Or Chone Figgins.
Pavel Datsyuk: A true shutdown player that can go one-on-one with the other team's top playmaker and make them look foolish. Great hands.
Safety
Nicklas Lidstrom: The smartest player on the field, always has his head in the game and a true leader. As long as he is out there nobody will ever be out of position on defense. He's also tougher than every player on the field, willing to play through a nearly catastrophic testicle injury.
Torii Hunter: Think Darren Sharper -- a smart, veteran player who relies as much on experience as athleticism.
Backups: Hanley Ramirez, Matt Kemp
Kicker
Freddy Adu: We wanted J.J. Redick here for the comedy value before settling on Adu.
Punter
Darin Erstad: punted for the 1994 Cornhuskers team that won the national championship
Punt/Kick Returner
Usain Bolt: He'll get a running start and hopefully a few blocks. We may not even need the offense.
Special Teams Gunners
Jayson Williams: Too easy.
Ron Artest, Manny Ramirez: They're insane. And, in general, insane people don't mind doing insane things. Like, say, running full speed into walls without provocation.
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Not a bad team, but it would be a whole lot better if you put the top 9 Japanese sumo wresters on your offensive and defensive lines.
Honorable mention to DeRosa at QB (Penn)? How about Ted Lilly as a special teams ace? I know they are old, and either just retired or about to, but you could give some love to Frank Thomas and Jason Giambi. I definitely think you should have found a way for Kemp to start. Dan Uggla looks like a football player too. Basketball is a little harder. Maybe Nate Robinson as a return man or corner or WR? Iverson would be a stud in the wildcat.
The Brownies need good players - NOT to hang another coach.
Let's get a few for Eric and give him another year or two.
The Brownies need good players.
Look at Farve & the Jets when he was healthy.
Let's give him another year or 2 with some decent jocks!