...for Joe Mauer of the Minnesota Twins for simultaneously being the Magic Johnson and the Larry Bird of professional baseball. He puts up insane numbers (especially for a catcher, which is a talking point I'm sure you need more information about), he plays fair even when he doesn't have to, and he reminds us that the Average White Guy still has something to contribute to popular sports. The Dugout is also thankful for those of you who are still figuring out that we moved to Back Porch. A big shout out to all of our returning fans, including David from the Hanger Orthopedic Group! What's up, Dave! This morning's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
 |
WillSmith: Joe, the season is over, so I wanted to go ahead and devote the next five months of my life to keeping you with the Twins. |
|---|---|
|
WillSmith: If we lose you to the free agent market there's NO WAY we could get you back - you'd be making 25 million dollars a year. |
|
WillSmith: so basically we want to keep you, but we want to also keep paying you what the Yankees would pay someone like Kyle Farnsworth. |
|
WillSmith: besides, heh, we don't want what happened to David Ortiz to happen to you! |
 |
LawnMauer: Good point, Bill, I don't want to be terrible in a couple of years either. |
|
WillSmith: So what's it going to take to keep your striking, prepubescent good looks in Minnesota? |
|
LawnMauer: hmmmmm |
|
LawnMauer: well, can you continue finding jobs for my worthless family members? |
|
WillSmith: Oh hell yeah, we can do that Big Willie Style! |
|
LawnMauer: because I mean you can't expect someone to finance their OWN Chevrolet dealership |
|
WillSmith: Done and done. We'll promote your brother Jake up from the Gulf Coast league and let him coach the Fort Myers Miracle. |
|
LawnMauer: what's the Fort Myers Miracle? |
|
WillSmith: that a city could be populated in total by "hateful old person and their illegal gardener" and not accidentally fall into the ocean |
|
LawnMauer: Okay. You don't mind doing that? |
|
WillSmith: Noooo, no, anything for you, Joe. We'll just move the guy who draws Bone up to AA New Britain and move Nieto up to Rochester |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, in the New Britain Rock Cats Thanksgiving Dinner Chatroom... |
|
 |
NietoMosquito: An' baby Jesus, I wanna thank you fer all th' blessings in m'life... fer these hard workin' young men who give their all on th' diamond ev'ry day! |
|
NietoMosquito: eight pound, six ounce baby Jesus we thank you f'r lettin' us play on a ballclub with up-to-and-includin' eight sep'rate animal mascots, oh lord |
|
NietoMosquito: we are thankful this Thanksgivin' morn' fer Rocky, th' Rock Cat... fer Ball D th' bald eagle... an' even fer Advanced Copy Toner the Copy Cat |
|
NietoMosquito: we mere humans don't know why y'didn't spend more time figgerin' out his name, dear Christ, but we know that y'work in m'sterious ways! |
 |
DevriesInstitute: Oh my god tom can we please eat our food, you've been saying grace for the last forty minutes |
 |
YancarlosOfSpain: /forlornly sporks wad of cranberries |
|
NietoMosquito: AN' HOLY GHOST O' LORD we thank y'for makin' Joe Mauer the MVP a'Major League Baseball so he'll stay in Minnesota with th' Twins, th' greatest org'nization in th' entire world! |
|
NietoMosquito: we thank y'for makin' all of our young stars so good lookin', so they won't be looked over just 'cause they play indoors fer nothin' in Hefty Cinch Sack Park at Frozen Wasteland Yards |
 |
JackShephard: aughhhhhh come onnnn |
|
NietoMosquito: an' tho' I have to say g'bye to m'dear friends and neighbors in New Britain, I hope to meet all th' challenges of Rochester with m'head held high an'- |
|
DevriesInstitute: f*** it, I'm eating, thanks for the food god bye the end |
|
NietoMosquito: wull... wull aw but okay I was sayin' muh g'byes, and- |
|
JackShephard: Nobody cares, the only reason you showed up is because you said there'd be food. |
|
YancarlosOfSpain: ya i can only stay for minute, i hay to get back to my 20,000 brother an sister |
|
DevriesInstitute: This is a holiday to spend time with your family, Tom, not to listen to your crappy minor league manager wank off on his new promotion. |
|
NietoMosquito: but but but... wull I know it's corny an' all, but I think a' YOU fellas as my family! |
|
DevriesInstitute: we are not your family |
|
JackShephard: If I was related to you I would probably kill myself. |
|
NietoMosquito: .... aw but wull ok |
|
NietoMosquito: /finishes grace quietly |
|
DevriesInstitute: hey could you keep it down, we're trying to eat. |
|
JackShephard: man, I can't wait until I have a good season with the Twins so they can trade me to Boston, and I can be rich |
|
DevriesInstitute: /reaches across table, knocks centerpiece into floor |
|
NietoMosquito: oh no |
|
DevriesInstitute: hey Tom, we knocked over your stupid sculpture thing |
|
JackShephard: haha what the hell is this supposed to be? It looks like you traced your hand and cut it out with a woodburning kit |
|
NietoMosquito: it's s'post t'be a turkey! |
|
DevriesInstitute: well it looks like crap |
|
JackShephard: lol |
|
NietoMosquito: /stuffs bib into collar of ill-fitting dress shirt |
|
NietoMosquito: wull... happy thanksgivin' ev'rybody, I love ya an awful lot. |
|
NietoMosquito: Blooper, could y'pass me th' 'sparagus? |
 |
Blooper: /angrily smashes bowl of asaragus against kitchen wall |
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
One of these days, Nieto is gonna kill all of us.
I'm hoping this isn't another turn of bad luck for Mr. Nieto...I don't think I could bear it...
Anyhow, excellent job as per the usual.