
The Browns returned to Cleveland in 1999, but they have been a perennial expansion team ever since. For some reason, 2009 seems worse than previous seasons. Maybe it's Eric Mangini's blinding incompetence, or the fact that Brady Quinn is to the quarterback position what JaMarcus Russell is to the quarterback position.
Whatever, the organization that continually strives for mediocrity continues to fall woefully short. Which is why we've decided to distract ourselves from the putridity by creating a roster of non-football-playing professional athletes who would immediately make the Browns better. That's not hyperbole.
Week 1 of the NFL season featured some gut-wrenching losses and improbable finishes across the league. Take, for example, the 









