Back Porch FanHouse

Ultramarathoners Are Tough, Insane

Ryan Wilson — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, Outdoor Sports

When I think of athletes who have to endure incomprehensible physical pain to achieve success in their sport, runners don't immediately come to mind.

That's not to say they don't have to overcome grueling obstacles, just that it's hard to think of rail-thin dudes in gym clothes as anything other than, well, rail-thin dudes in gym clothes.

My prejudice would be misguided, however. The NFL and NHL are more controlled car crashes than sports, and MMA or boxing are just as bad. But don't underestimate ultramarathoners. No, seriously. Via the New York Times:

Swimmers shave their bodies sleek. Cyclists take blood-boosters. And ultramarathoners have their battered toenails surgically removed - for good.

Toenail removal is not for the faint of heart, but it can be a big relief to people who compete in 50- or 100-mile races. Even the most hardened ultramarathoners, for whom 26.2 miles is a warm-up, can be distressed by bleeding under a nail or a loose nail that bangs repeatedly against the front of a shoe.

Apparently, only the clinically insane consider toenail removal. Or, as Dr. Paul R. Langer calls them, the "hard-cores." "Even within the ultra community, less than 10 percent or maybe even 5 percent are permanently removing their toenails."

If you ever wondered what toenail-less feet look like, here ya go. And you can help support the cause by purchasing a "Toenails are for sissies" t-shirt. Or if you're so inclined, go through the procedure yourself. It sounds like a barrel of monkeys.

Take Dr. Lisa Bliss, who won Badwater, the 135-mile race in Death Valley, in 2007, two years after having her two big toenails permanently removed. Previously, she had four times had a podiatrist cut away two misshapen nails that had grown back - painfully - into the nail bed instead of lying flat. So, she figured, why not just get rid of the nails?

Exactly.

Ultramarathoners Are Tough, Insane originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Cedric the Entertainer on Doing Vegas with MJ, Tiger and Chuck

Elie Seckbach — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST

Filed under: TV and Movies, Outdoor Sports, FanHouse Exclusive, Golf, NBA

Elie Seckbach, the Embedded Correspondent, brings his exclusive video reporting to FanHouse. Check back regularly for more videos.

Actor and comedian Cedric the Entertainer is a huge sports fan who tells us that he use to be a boxer and these days he enjoys golf. In this FanHouse exclusive we talk to Cedric at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, California (not to be confused with the Sherwood Forest -- home of Robin Hood). Cedric who hangs out with lots of top athletes tells us about the time he was doing Vegas with Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Charles Barkley.

Check out the video after the jump.

Cedric the Entertainer on Doing Vegas with MJ, Tiger and Chuck originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Kickball Is the Sport of the Future

Ryan Wilson — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:30:00 EST

Filed under: Outdoor Sports

I have no idea who invented kickball. I'm guessing it was a teacher who thought that dodgeball was too violent, but couldn't convince anybody that soccer was actually fun to play. And now an activity once reserved for middle schoolers and band campers is a popular pastime with fully functioning adults.

The Los Angeles Daily News devoted an entire column to it, at one point proclaiming, "Leagues are forming across the country, and kickball is becoming just as cool, if not cooler, than playing on your company co-ed softball league." Which is like observing that Brady Quinn has a much better chance to make it into the Hall of Fame than JaMarcus Russell.

Technically, yes, but shouldn't we strive for more than that?

Of course not. This is America, where the liberals have played a huge role in the pansy-ification of our culture, and kickball is just one manifestation of that.

(Back on earth...)

The Founders Cup, the world's largest kickball tournament, is next month, and according to the World Adult Kickball Association, there are more than 300 leagues and 3,000 teams across the country.

And ZogSports.com, which touts itself as "a charity-focused, co-ed, social sports club that promotes charity and social action amongst young professionals in New York," happily organizes kickball get-togethers in the city.

Relive your elementary school glory days in in NYC's largest and most fun kickball league! It's 11-on-11, with at least 4 women. It's exactly as you remember it (rolling ball, no bouncies) and we keep it exciting for everyone on the team through our three divisions (Players, Casual and Extremely Casual). Unlike your elementary school experience, instead of milk & cookies after the game, we'll send you to one of our organized happy hours!

Clearly, the hippies have won.

Kickball Is the Sport of the Future originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Skier Buried in Avalanche Survives

Ryan Wilson — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:00:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, Outdoor Sports, Winter Sports

Anytime I see somebody wearing a helmet cam while attempting something dangerous -- whether it be bungee jumping, sky-diving or, in this case, snow skiing -- I just expect the worse. I liken it to the guy who's hanging out near the river unaware of the alligator a few feet away right as the Faces of Death camera truck pulls up. You can pretty much guarantee something bad is about to take place.

With that in mind, here you go: helmet cam video of one poor skier who is buried under an avalanche as he tries to make his way down the mountain.

There's a happy ending, though (around the 6:00 mark): his friends managed to dig him out.

[Avalanche Skier POV Helmet Cam Burial & Rescue in Haines, Alaska]

Skier Buried in Avalanche Survives originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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From New York Sculptor to Bait Lady Off Florida Coast

Tim Povtak — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:45:00 EST

Filed under: Fishing, Outdoor Sports, Featured Stories, Backporch Features

HOMOSASSA, Fla. -- Fishermen come once for the novelty, a floating bait store in the bay, a lonely-looking, old pontoon boat with a hard-to-miss, five-foot-long, bright-white shrimp sculpture on the top.

They come back to see Bonnie.

Even when the fish aren't biting, fishermen still come to buy bait, stopping their boats like men dropping by the small-town barbershop when they don't need a haircut, coming just to hear the local chatter.

She makes everyone feel better.

Bonnie Van Allen, who turns 70 next month, has spent most of her daylight hours here the past 15 years, pulling her traps, catching her shrimp or anchored and rocking gently in her usual spot near channel marker 26, pointing the way to deeper waters into the Gulf of Mexico.

To the fishermen on Florida's west/central coast, she is their lighthouse, their landmark in the sea, offering her warmth and her wares, mostly to regulars who started as customers, turned into friends and now feel like family.

"I've been buying bait from Bonnie for nine years, and I don't think I've ever pulled up and not seen that big smile of hers,'' said Butch Miller, a local fisherman. "You talk to her for just a minute, and she makes you feel good about being out there. Everyone knows who she is.''

They come to buy bait initially, but they soon come bearing gifts -- books, cookies, hats, recipes, a puppy once -- paying homage to the first lady of this waterway, hoping that a wink and smile from her will ensure a safe passage and a productive day on the water.

Her pinfish and grunts cost $6 a dozen. The shrimp is half that price. The inspiration is free.

Bonnie works alone. Her skin is dark from the searing sun. The sunglasses rarely come off. The hair has turned gray. The hands are rough from the labor. If you're a lucky one, the hug is strong.

"The life she lives now seems almost fictional,'' said daughter Ivey Van Allen Steinberg, who lives across the country in Los Angeles. "When I tell people what my mother does for a living, their eyes really grow wide. When I come to visit, I always think it's like Mayberry on the water.''

Bonnie stands barefoot on the boat and laughs easily at herself, at the winding path her life has taken, a once-renowned sculptor who lost everything, yet managed to turn tragedy into triumph, living two different lives in one lifetime.

"A lot of people just know her as the Bait Lady,'' said Homosassa fishing guide Dennis Lowe. "They don't realize where she's been, and what she's been through.''

Van Allen was born and raised in Miami, went to college at the University of South Florida, eventually leaving with a doctorate in art history. She became an accomplished sculptor and teacher, lecturing on college campuses across the country. When her first husband died young, she moved to New York City to find her niche in the art district, where many of the country's most creative minds lived.

"I went to New York to see how good I really was,'' she said wistfully on the boat last week. "And I found out, I was pretty good. Back then, that's who I was, and who I thought I always would be.''

Her work, much of it abstract sculptures, was shown in various New York galleries. There still is one piece in the Bell Atlantic Building in Philadelphia, another in the Degroodt Public Library in Palm Bay, Fla. There are dozens and dozens in private collections.

After a decade in New York, she returned to Florida in the late '80s, established enough to work and sell her work anywhere. She remembered this area from her youth, where her father would bring the family on fishing trips. She and her live-in boyfriend bought a nearby, five-acre, low-lying island surrounded by a national wildlife refuge, thinking she would live and work there forever, a perfect hideaway for an aging artist.

But they never bought insurance.

And the devastating, No Name Storm of March 13, 1993 hit the Florida coast at 5 AM, forever changing her life. It swallowed the island, washed her home, her studio and her life as she knew it - out to sea.

She and her boyfriend barely escaped with their lives. Much of this little fishing town was destroyed. There still are remains of crab traps hanging from trees on the island as a reminder.

"I went to New York thinking I would become rich and famous. And I became semi-rich and semi-famous,'' she said. "And then I became broke and wiped out. It just broke my heart. It took me almost two years to face the fact: I had to find another way to make a living, to survive. I didn't want to leave the island, and I didn't want to teach again, so I had to find something else to do. Then I started thinking what I always heard my father say when he fished here: `I can't find any $$%%%^& bait without going all the way back up the river.'''

Even though she knew nothing about bait and very little about boating in the open waters, she and her boyfriend (now her husband) built her a heavy-duty pontoon boat, mostly with scrap materials. She learned as she went, asking questions and exploring different options.

There were days she couldn't catch bait, and other days she couldn't sell her bait. She nearly capsized twice in storms before she learned how to read the weather. The sun gave her skin cancer on the neck and cataracts on both eyes. She was soaked by rain, and hit by lightning, but she always came back the next day.

Less than a year ago, just before her cataract surgery, she tripped pulling up a bait trap, fell off the boat and couldn't pull herself up over the edge. It was December and the water was cold. She nearly froze before help arrived almost two hours later, a regular customer who sensed something was wrong when he didn't see the boat move.

It's never been an easy life, just a rewarding one. Her days starts with a 4:30 AM, wake-up call, an hour long boat ride as she navigates her way through dark, rocky channels and tight turns before she reaches the bay and marker 26. She's there by sunrise before the fishermen starting coming. By 1 PM, her selling is done, and she begins the physical labor, pulling bait traps she has spread along the coastal area. By 5, she is heading home, another hour through unmarked canals and swamps to get the pontoon ready for the next day.

She raised that puppy Gracie on the boat, and they kept each other company for years until Gracie became more important keeping her husband company at home after he suffered a stroke. Now it's just Bonnie and her reading material between customers.

She reads her Wall Street Journal, thanks to one loyal customer, a former executive at the paper, who bought her a subscription. Bonnie may specialize in bait, but she is business-savvy, too, engaging, personable and well-informed. She is a loner who is really never alone.

"I used to worry about her a lot,'' said Ivey, the daughter. "But what she does has gone from the desperation of trying to pay the bills and survive, to something that brings her great joy. Not many people are that lucky.''

As Bonnie navigates her way home after another long day, she looks up at the note she scribbled many years ago on the inside of the boat. It's faded, but still legible. "If you want to see God laugh, make a plan.''

She smiles at the thought. The giant shrimp on top of the boat, the trademark of her Island Bait Company that fisherman always see, was the last sculpture she ever made, or ever will.

"This is a good life that I lead now. I'll probably live into my 90s, because this is a healthy way to live,'' she said. "If I ever quit doing this, you know what would happen to me. I miss my old life sometimes, but it would be too painful to go back. That's another life. I'm the Bait Lady now.''

From New York Sculptor to Bait Lady Off Florida Coast originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:45:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Soccer Player Chokes on Gum, Almost Dies

Ryan Wilson — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:00:00 EST

Filed under: Outdoor Sports

In retrospect, I suppose it seems like a bad idea -- chewing a mouthful of gum while head-butting things -- but since people have been playing soccer for centuries without incident, maybe we took for granted Bubblicious' hidden dangers.

In any event, Vasco da Gama strike Aloisio almost died after choking on gum during a recent match. And I don't mean "almost died" in a "I coughed a lot and threw up!" sorta way. I mean it in a "I quit breathing and turned purple."

Aloisio choked on his gum after going up for a header. And as Goal.com so eloquently put it, "With the chewy substance obstructing his airway, an ambulance had to be called to take him to the hospital."

''I don't remember a lot,'' Aloisio said, according to the New York Times. ''I only remember the doctor taking the gum out. I have never been scared like this -- no more chewing gum for me.''

That's a lesson we could all stand to heed.

Via Dirty Tackle

Soccer Player Chokes on Gum, Almost Dies originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 27 Aug 2009 11:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Steelers, Plaxico Post-Incarceration Reunion Makes Perfect Sense*

Ryan Wilson — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 12:15:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

The plan was for Ben Roethlisberger to ride the pine as a rookie. That changed when Tommy Maddox went down two weeks into the 2004 season. Five years, two Super Bowl championships and one helmetless asphalt head-butt later, it's all worked out.

Much of Big Ben's early success, particularly that first year, can be attributed to a bruising running game, a pared down playbook, and a 6-5, 230-pound downfield target. Plaxico Burress was Roethlisberger's security blanket, his go-to guy. And when Burress' contract expired following Ben's rookie campaign, the quarterback lobbied the organization to keep him.

It didn't happen, Plax eventually landed with the Giants, won his own Super Bowl ring in 2008 and now will spend two years in the joint for, well, accidentally shooting himself in the leg. It happens.

Losing out on Burress hasn't kept Roethlisberger from periodically asking for a tall wide receiver, though. And the Steelers have obliged. The problem is that they have yet to find the next Plax. The team drafted 6-4 Fred Gibson in 2005 (he didn't make the final 53-man roster), 6-3 Dallas Baker in 2007 (most of his Steelers' career has been on the practice squad), 6-4 Limas Sweed in 2008 (after a forgettable rookie year, Sweed has shown improvement during the preseason), not to mention Big Ben's big college teammate, 6-3 Martin Nance (he spent '08 on the practice squad and is a long shot to make the final roster this time around).

Of course, you could argue that Santonio Holmes more than makes up for Burress' loss, but he only has two years left on his rookie deal. Which means that the Steelers could be facing another "Eh, we'll just sign the next Cedrick Wilson and the offense won't miss a beat" scenario should they not be able to re-up Holmes.

Or, as the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Ed Bouchette writes, the Steelers could already be positioning themselves for a run at Plax when he's released from the can.

Let's be the first to report the Steelers are the most logical team to sign Plaxico Burress when he becomes eligible to play in the NFL again, likely the 2011 season. Heck, he'll be the tall receiver Ben Roethlisberger has not had since 2004, when he had Plax. Not to mention the Steelers have strong ownership and coaches, a veteran team and fans who don't care that Plax shot himself in the leg.

Exactly.

Bouchette continues: "If nothing else, he'll have fresh legs when he emerges from prison at age 34. And, since Michael Vick signed only a two-year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles, the Steelers would be the most likely suitor for him as a free agent as well. Add Donte Stallworth to the mix, and you have one dynamic offense in the making."

So, Ed, you're telling me there's a chance?!

* Joke. It's makes absolutely no sense -- and there's no chance, but that doesn't mean people won't speculate that it will happen. Like, you know, Michael Vick.

Steelers, Plaxico Post-Incarceration Reunion Makes Perfect Sense* originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Sun, 23 Aug 2009 12:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Northern League Manager Doug Simunic Throws Down

Bruce Ciskie — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:15:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

The Northern League is an independent minor league that has been around off and on for decades. Its most recent revival came in 1992, and the league has existed since then.

One of its teams is based in Fargo, N.D. The club -- known as the Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks -- has been managed for 14 years by Doug Simunic. In becoming the winningest manager in league history, Simunic has also drawn controversy many times for his on-field antics. The latest incident happened Monday.

With both Fargo-Moorhead and rival Winnipeg fighting for the league's regular-season title, the teams met in Winnipeg. In the fourth inning, Winnipeg pitcher Ace Walker threw a ball behind Fargo-Moorhead hitter Nic Jackson. It sparked an altercation between Simunic and Goldeyes hitting coach Tom Vaeth, who was serving as acting manager.

Yes, you did hear the announcer calling it "the ol' hockey fight". That's kind of fitting, since this game was played in Canada.

The Northern League chose not to suspend either man, instead fining both. League director of operations Harry Stavrenos almost immediately expressed regret over this decision.

"The bottom line is this: I blew the call," said Stavrenos, who is in charge of doling out fines and suspensions for the Northern League. "I don't know what I was thinking. Both of those guys should have been suspended. Days ago I told them nothing would happen, so I can't go back now."

Stavrenos is right to be upset about it. Simunic has quite a history in the league over his 17 years in it.

Stavrenos said the league does not have a record of how many times Simunic has been fined or suspended during his 17-year Northern League career. But Stavrenos estimates that Simunic - who has the most managerial wins in league history - has been ejected close to seven times in the last three seasons.

Simunic was suspended six games earlier this year for leaving the clubhouse after he was ejected during a playoff game last year in Kansas City. The suspension was later reduced to four games. He was also suspended two games when former RedHawks pitcher Yosandy Ibanez charged the field with a bat during an on-field altercation earlier this month.

Last year, Simunic was suspended for four games for repeat criticism of the league in the media. He was also fined in 2008 for similar comments.

It's a history that should have been taken into account when handing out punishment. Had Simunic been a first-time offender, Stavrenos could have more easily justified not suspending him.

Northern League Manager Doug Simunic Throws Down originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Skydiver Falls 10,000 Feet, Survives

Ryan Wilson — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

Not a year goes by that we don't hear about some poor sap who got the great idea to intentionally jump out of a perfectly functioning aircraft only to suffer the misfortune of not having their parachute open.

Miraculously, a good number of them walk away (or limp ... OK, are transported via emergency vehicle) virtually intact and unscathed. The latest almost-statistic: Paul Lewis, who fell 10,000 feet and crashed onto a hangar roof after his main parachute failed to open and his reserve chute malfunctioned. (Upside: he was 9,000 feet into his jump before he realized he was in serious trouble.)

And what does falling more than three football fields get you? If you're Davis, head and neck injuries, none too serious that he won't make a full recovery.

[Colin] Fitzmorris, who [owns the Parachute Centre and ] saw the accident happen, said: "He had a malfunction on his main parachute, which he cut away normally, but had some kind of control problem on his reserve which continued to spiral until he hit the hangar roof.

"The roof of the hangar broke his fall and flexed sufficiently to reduce the impact. He has no fractures but some neck injury, and we are sure that he will make a full recovery. He is very lucky."

Thank God for flexible metal hangar roofs, I suppose. Lewis jumped from 10,000 feet, but the Telegraph reports that skydivers have survived falls from greater heights. In 2007, Michael Holmes sustained only a punctured lung and a broken ankle after plummeting some 12,000 feet and crashing into a tree.

And in 1972, Vesna Vulović set the world record (unwittingly I'm guessing, given the circumstances) after she fell 33,000 feet from an airliner that exploded in midair. "The 22-year-old landed in snow in the former Czechoslovakia," the Telegraph writes, as if it's as routine as walking outside to get the morning paper.

Skydiver Falls 10,000 Feet, Survives originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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USA Football Junior National Team Ekes By France, 78-0

Ryan Wilson — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:10:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, College Sports, High School, Outdoor Sports, Youth Sports

Poor France. It's bad enough that they're still living down the 1940 German takeover, which turned out to be more of an understanding than an invasion. Now they have again suffered an international embarrassment, although that may be overselling it a tad.

Whatever, the French fell to the Americans in the inaugural Football Junior World Championship yesterday in Canton, Ohio. The final, 78-0, was slightly less surprising than getting run out of their own country by the Germans during World War II. Primarily because unlike the French army, considered the most powerful in Europe at the time, there wasn't much in the way of expectations for the French Junior National Team.

Also not helping: most of the American squad was made up of future Division I players, including running back David Wilson (Virginia Tech), who rushed for 181 yards on 12 carries, and scored four touchdowns.

For France, it was a learning experience.

"We knew that it would be a really tough game to play. When we qualified by finishing third in the European Junior Championship, we knew we would play USA this July. (USA) had more days of camp than us; they are bigger, faster and stronger, and they were more prepared," said France head coach Olivier Moret.

"Football is a game of fight and you have to prepare them to play well, even though you know the game will be long and lost."

Running back Thomas Ruiz, who earned France's MVP award, said: "It is the toughest game I have ever played. But it was also the best. I have learned today that I have got to work harder."

Stat worth mentioning: the French passed for 38 yards but rushed for -31, a 0.1-yard per play average. Other fun facts: The U.S. racked up 610 yards of total offense, and their defense had 20 tackles for loss, three sacks and two picks.

Next up for the Americans: a second-round showdown with Team Mexico, who squeaked by the Swedes, 41-0. Fun starts at 7 PM ET Wednesday.

Via NFLPRGuy's Twitter feed

USA Football Junior National Team Ekes By France, 78-0 originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:10:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Iranian Soccer Players May Have Been Banned for Supporting Mousavi

Ryan Wilson — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:55:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

I think some members of the Iranian Men's National Team might agree with Lord Acton, who said, "The one pervading evil of democracy is the tyranny of the party that succeeds, by force or fraud, in carrying elections."

Two weeks ago, Iran held its presidential election. The incumbent, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was announced the winner, and protesters, questioning the veracity of the results, promptly mobilized. Seventeen people have since died although the demonstrations continue.

The protesters included several members of Iran's soccer team, who showed their solidarity with opposition leader Mir Hossain Mousavi by wearing green armbands during the June 17 World Cup qualifying match against South Korea.

Green was adopted as the colour of Mousavi's campaign and has been widely displayed in opposition street protests in Iran's post-election turmoil.

At least seven Iranian players wore the bands in the first half against South Korea, although most were forced to take them off before the second.

Following the match it was reported that two Iranian players who had worn the green wristbands, Ali Karimi and Mehdi Mahdavikia, had been "banned for life" from the national team, although other news outlets suggested that they had just "retired."

FIFA later asked Iran to clarify the reports, and yesterday they got their response:

The governing body of world football says the Iranian Football Federation has denied claims that national team players were punished for wearing green wristbands in solidarity with the political opposition during a World Cup qualifier.

FIFA says it received a letter from the Iranian federation "which stated that no disciplinary action has been imposed on any players of the Iran national team by any authority."

I'm guessing there's more to it than that, even if this is the last we hear of it. Either way, it offers some perspective: sometimes it's about more than just soccer.

Iranian Soccer Players May Have Been Banned for Supporting Mousavi originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:55:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Rugby Coach Fines Himself $10,000 for Drunken Night Out

Ryan Wilson — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 07:50:00 EST

Filed under: Rugby, Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

Here's what I know about rugby: it involves tight-fitting clothing, and a lot of guy-on-guy action. So, right, I'm no expert. But you really don't have to know the rules to appreciate this story.

According to the Herald Sun, Sydney Roosters coach Brad Fittler fined himself $10,000 and issued a public apology after the pressures of the job caused him to temporarily lose his mind.

Police were called to Townsville's Holiday Inn early on Friday morning after two female guests reported a "creepy man'' with a "hairy chest'' - wearing only shorts - was trying to get into their room.

Police arrived at 3.15am to find a "very drunk'' Fittler still outside the room. Fittler got out of the elevator at the wrong floor and shook the room's door, mistaking it for his.

To be fair, all guys are considered creepy at 3:15 in the morning -- hairy chest or otherwise -- when they're trying to break into a hotel room. As for how it got to the point where the coach was drunk off his ass, team owner Nick Politis explained: "Brad hardly drinks, he never drinks ... It's against his nature, it's silly. 'He's probably a bit stressed out with the way we're going, which you can't blame him. We all are."

And when Politis was asked about Fittler's job prospects going forward, he only offered this: "I'm not going to go down that road, we've been through it before. "It's unfortunate, it's disappointing, it's not his nature, he made a mistake. What are we going to do, hang him? He feels bad enough, believe me. He rang me and apologised. I'm disappointed just as much as he is.''

Translation: thanks for coming. And while the 10 grand fine was a nice gesture, Fittler might have been better off keeping the money. He'll probably need it.

Rugby Coach Fines Himself $10,000 for Drunken Night Out originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 26 Jun 2009 07:50:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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US National Team Goalkeeper Tim Howard Drafted by Harlem Globetrotters

Ryan Wilson — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:00:00 EST

Filed under: Action Sports, Outdoor Sports

As I write this, the United States Men's Soccer Team leads Spain 1-0. The match is in its 64th minute and despite the surprising score two-thirds the way through this, the Americans are getting outclassed by the Spaniards everywhere but on the scoreboard.

ESPN's John Harkes (who was also a member of USMNT until Steve Sampson unceremoniously dumped him from the roster prior to the 1998 World Cup) actually observed that "I haven't seen a U.S. goalkeeper under as much pressure as Tim Howard since Kasey Keller against Brazil in '98." I was thinking Brad Friedel against the South Koreans in '02, but whatever.

Either way, Howard, who currently plays for Everton in the English Premier League, has a fallback plan in case his soccer career doesn't take off: the Harlem Globetrotters.

The U.S. National Team keeper got selected as the Harlem Globetrotters' fifth and final pick in their annual draft Monday. ...

He's very proud of that fact his North Brunswick (NJ) High School team beat a St. Joseph's of Metuchen team in the postseason that included future National Player of the Year Jason Williams (not the always-in-trouble Net big man, but the injured ex-Bulls guard). And just in case you think Tim's just talking, he's not. I covered that game, and Howard was pretty good.

That's right, just like ... well, these guys, who were presumably not awful when they played organized basketball that didn't include buckets of confetti and the three-man weave.

Actually, Howard is the latest in a long line of great U.S. goalkeepers, following Friedel and Keller, and, of course, Tony Meola and David Vanole.*

* I'm kidding about Meola, and Vanole was so bad he was good.

** (Also: Holy hell, the U.S. just scored again -- Clint Dempsey, this time -- and, by my unofficial count, that puts the shots on goal at 427 to 2, Spain.)

US National Team Goalkeeper Tim Howard Drafted by Harlem Globetrotters originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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WGN Reporter Dunks on Pre-Schooler, Makes Him Cry

Clay Travis — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 13:00:00 EST

Filed under: Random Acts of Sport, TV and Movies, Outdoor Sports, Youth Sports

As you can see, playing sports with kids on live television is a situation fraught with peril. You probably shouldn't trash talk, back them down, and then spin and slam home a dunk on a seven-foot goal. I'm no expert, but that might make a kid cry. Especially when you punctuate the dunk with a Scottie Pippen dunking on Patrick Ewing-esque arm ejaculation while screaming, "Don't bring any of that in my house!"

Somewhere along the way, basic humanity should have set in. The back down move? Questionable. The kid is four. At most. You can probably get away with one of those old-man wacky dribbling exhibitions where you push the ball around the kid and make him dizzy on live television. Maybe.

But when you dunk on him and the kid starts crying you can't laugh, absolutely, positively, can't laugh. Or say, "I think he's genuinely crying."

Reporter: "You know what? Kids these days are soft and they need to be toughened up."

Woman in straw hat: "He wants to leave."

Honestly, I've watched this video like 10 times and it just keeps getting better. Where did the woman get that straw hat? Somehow this is the perfect hat for her to be wearing as she assists a toddler in his own dunk. And what's with the kid not even attempting to draw the charge here? He has no future at Duke, none.

Gawker reports this reporter is named Pat Tomasulo and it happened in May.

The lesson to be learned here, don't bring the trifecta on live television: back down the kid, trash talk while spinning, and then dunking on a seven-foot goal. Any one of these standing alone would be fine.

Combined?

Internet outrage.

WGN Reporter Dunks on Pre-Schooler, Makes Him Cry originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 11 Jun 2009 13:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Can Bodybuilders Fight?

Elie Seckbach — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 08:20:00 EST

Filed under: Random Acts of Sport, Outdoor Sports, Women's Sports

Elie Seckbach, the Embedded Correspondent, brings his exclusive video reporting to FanHouse. Check back regularly for more videos.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was discovered because of it, and millions around the world are into it big-time: Bodybuilding. It's one of the most popular sports around the world, but what's the point of working out if you can't show it off? In this video we visit a bodybuilding (and bikini) contest and try to find out if the bodybuilders are really strong, or if their muscles are just for flossing. (After all, MMA stars such as Fedor and Rampage are far from being cut.)

Check out the video after the jump.

Can Bodybuilders Fight? originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 09 Jun 2009 08:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Candice Davis, the Beyoncé of Track

Elie Seckbach — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:15:00 EST

Filed under: Outdoor Sports, Track and Field, Women's Sports

Elie Seckbach, the Embedded Correspondent, brings his exclusive video reporting to FanHouse. Check back regularly for more videos.

Candice Davis has been a track star her entire life, but she started getting national attention when she went to USC and won the Pac-10 Championship for 100 meter hurdles. Along with being super fast (her best time for 100m hurdles is just over 13 seconds), she has a one of a kind personality. In this video, Candice shows us how she moves like Beyoncé, why athletes are not allowed to eat popcorn and lets us know where she get her athletic skills from.

Check out the video after the jump.

Candice Davis, the Beyoncé of Track originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Run, Forrest, Run: Why I Hate Jogging

Clay Travis — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:53:00 EST

Filed under: Distance Running, Endurance, Outdoor Sports, Track and Field

I hate jogging. Passionately. Every couple of years I get fat and I have to start jogging again. Now is one of those times; I'm up to 186 pounds, about 11 pounds above my playing weight. Recently I saw a picture of myself in a wife-beater and I looked like a beached whale. Well, a beached whale in a wife-beater. Traditionally I loathe every moment that I spend jogging, but this time around it's worse than it's ever been before.

Why? Because I live in a majority black neighborhood in downtown Nashville where no one ever jogs. No one. When you jog here, people look behind you to see who you're running from. Once they confirm that you've chosen to run on your own and aren't being pursued, they make fun of you. "Run, Forrest, run!" my neighbors call from the shady comfort of their front porches, from the insides of their air-conditioned cars, from the jungle gym in the neighborhood park.

Yep, I'm white, I have a beard, and I jog. This makes me Forrest Gump to everyone in the neighborhood.

The first time I was taunted by kids playing in the neighborhood park. Five kids were standing in line to come down the yellow slide, and I jogged past them. Without skipping a beat a young girl of about 10, pointed me out, "Run, Forrest, run!" she said. Everyone laughed. It took me a while to realize exactly what had been said, but by now I'm used to it. Everyone from eight to 80 is doing it, making fun of me while I jog, reinforcing my distaste for running with every step.

While you jog you have lots of time to think. Often, I count down the reasons why I hate to jog in my head. They go something like this:

1. I don't ever get a second wind. Never. Ever. In my entire life of running, I've never suddenly felt my legs lighten and believed I could go on running for days. I don't believe second winds actually exist.

2. People who I convince to go jogging with me end up doing better than me. This has happened three times. The first time with my college roommate, Krisha, the second time with my wife and the third time with my friend Tardio. Now they jog all the time for miles on end. They enjoy it. I still hate it.

3. I live in Nashville and am allergic to everything on Earth. Truly. I went to the allergy clinic as a 25-year-old, finally got the needle testing done, and the only thing I'm not allergic to is mold. My entire arm where they pin-pricked me was one raised bump. The city of Nashville is located in a bowl, surrounded by large hills. It's one of the worst places for allergies on Earth. I can never breathe here. For the past several months everywhere you look pollen is literally floating in the air. Occasionally I've even swallowed the pollen out of the air. As I'm jogging attempting to spit the pollen back out of my mouth, I sometimes think I'm going to die.

4. Waiting to cross streets. It's impossible not to look like a tool while you're waiting to cross the street and going for a jog. Do you keep moving your legs through a traffic light sequence? No, I can't do that. I feel like I'm auditioning for A Chorus Line. So instead I stop moving and just stand there. Which reinforces my desire not to be running. As soon as the light changes I have to start up again.

5. Even if you're really good at jogging, you're still just really good at jogging. Why do people brag about how far they can run? The only reason you can run long distances is because you do it all the time. It serves no actual purpose in life. It's not the Middle Ages. No one walks up to you at work and says, "This document has to be 11 miles from here in 58 minutes or the company is going bankrupt." Nope, they just put someone in a car and get it there in 20 minutes. It's a skill that has no useful purpose. Imagine if I decided I was going to juggle every day for two hours. I'd be awesome at juggling. But unless I wanted to pick up lonely lady clowns, it's not terribly helpful.

6. Running is like cross-word puzzles, I used to do them because I thought they would make me smarter. Then I heard that the only thing completing crossword puzzles did was make you better at doing crossword puzzles. It's the same with running. Your endurance just gets better for running. Even people who go for two-hour jogs aren't that good at, say, playing full-court basketball where you're required to run at different speeds and take breaks in between plays. It's a solitary skill that has no lasting benefit, like being awesome at horseshoes. Only you can't drink beer while you run. So even worse.

7. Runners are snobby. Whenever a regular runner sees you stop running, they look down their nose at you. "Oh, you're stopping already," their cutting eyes seem to say. Whenever I stop running in front of other runners, I always want to say, "Whew, polished off those fifty miles pretty easy today." Because running is a "sport" that plodding misanthropes embrace, people who are really competitive but pretend they aren't. That's why so many lawyers run.

Question: How many hours did you bill yesterday?

Me: 10.1

Questioner: Cool, knocked out 10.2 myself.

Question: How many miles did you run today?

Me: Three

Questioner: 3.1 here.

Me: I hate you.

8. I don't get a runner's high when I'm done. My body isn't suffused with endorphins that make me sky-high with the feeling of accomplishment. I've just got really sweaty socks and I can barely breathe. If I feel any relief it's because I don't have to dread running anymore for that day.

9. If people find out you run more than three miles at one time, they ask you whether you've ever run a marathon. Everyone does this. I have no idea why. If someone sees you playing basketball, they don't walk up and ask if you can dunk. Although, to be fair, dunking requires athletic ability. Running requires no real athletic ability, just a desire to keep moving no matter the consequences.

10. No one actually likes jogging. Look at the faces of people as they jog. I defy you to find someone who looks like they enjoy it. (I'll craft a small exception for men who have managed to get behind a really hot woman and are mesmerized by watching her from behind.) How has something that no one likes become so popular? I'll tell you, because people lie about liking jogging and no one calls them on it. Jogging is sado-masochism disguised as sport.

11. Oprah ran a marathon. So I don't doubt that if I committed myself to training for 20 hours a week, or whatever it is, I could run a marathon too. Otherwise I'm required to believe that Oprah is a better athlete than I am. But here's the deal, once Oprah ran a marathon didn't it strip away the majesty of the marathon-ing experience. It would be like if Jose Canseco's next book was One Hundred Years of Solitude. I'd just throw up my hands and quit writing.

I'm looking at my tennis shoes by the door right now. I don't want to put them on, I really don't. But I know sooner or later I'm going to, a latter-day Pickett's Charge into the heat of the day. And I'm going to hate every second of it. Like everyone other person who has ever run.

It's starting to get hot in Nashville. The other day, I was out on a Sunday morning. It was already 80 degrees downtown. The sun was baking off the pavement, shimmering on the reflected windows of the Kentucky Fried Chicken. A Lincoln Continental pulled past me, stopped, and rolled down the window. An old hand extended outside. As I jogged by an elderly black woman wearing a white hat and a white dress, on her way to church, addressed me.

"Good morning, Forrest," she cackled.

I hate it, I really do.

Run, Forrest, Run: Why I Hate Jogging originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 21 May 2009 17:53:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Real Jennifer Figge Story

Matt Snyder — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:15:00 EST

Filed under: Endurance, Outdoor Sports, Swimming

Early this week, the story of Jennifer Figge swimming "across" the Atlantic Ocean surfaced. Nearly immediately, skeptics began crunching the numbers and it was painfully obvious she didn't come close to doing many of the things for which credit was being given.

The erroneous nature of the reports comes basically in the distances. When the AP originally reported she swam 2,100 miles, they were calculating how far her boat traveled. In all actuality, Figge probably only swam around 250 miles, if that.

Members of her crew have been coming to her aid in the aftermath, correctly pointing out that no one ever explicitly stated -- from their camp, at least -- that she was to swim the entire distance. You see, you can't exactly drop anchor in the middle of the ocean. Thus, her boat never stopped, so when she got in the boat to rest, eat, avoid bad weather, or escape Portugese man-o-war attacks; said boat just kept humming along across the ocean.

In fact, the farthest she ever swam in one day was 25 miles, and that was when she was being helped by a strong current.

"Some of the more sensational stories made it sound like she got in the water at point A and never stopped swimming, like Nemo, until she got to Trinidad," (Manager David Higden said Monday.

"That wasn't the case, and it never was supposed to be the case.

"The plan all along was for her to swim a little bit every day and then get in the boat."

Some days she was only in the water for 20 minutes or so, according to reports. Also of note is that she was swimming in a cage that would protect her from sharks. Apparently, though, that's all it kept out:

"Whales literally came up to her," Higden said. "She swam with dolphins some days."

Finally, the plan was never to make the news of an incredible athletic feat. It was, instead, more about the adventure, according to Higden.

"Jennifer once told me, 'This is about the romance, not the science,' " he said. "She loves to be in the water.

The Real Jennifer Figge Story originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:15:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Leryn Franco Lands Deal With Nike

Will Brinson — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:00:00 EST

Filed under: Outdoor Sports, Track and Field, Women's Sports

Leryn Franco is notable across the internet for two things: a poor 2008 Olympic performance and being attractive.

Did You See That?

The field clears a fence during the New Season Handicap Steeplechase during the at Ludlow Racecourse on September 16, 2008 in Ludlow, England.

Emanuele Canonica of Italy helps his caddie in the rescue of a pigeon from the water around the 18th green during the first round of the Portugal Masters at the Oceanico Victoria Golf Course on October 16, 2008 in Vilamoura, Portugal.

A multiexposure image showing Britain's Andy Murray returning to Croatian Marin Cilic during a last sixteen tennis match at the Madrid Masters in Madrid on October 16, 2008. Andy Murray won 7-5, 7-6.

English football fans dressed in armours and tunics play in a friendly match against Belarus fans in Minsk on October 15, 2008 before the start of the Belarus vs. England 2010 FIFA World Cup qualifier of European group 6 match.

Travis Brigley (R) of Hamburg fights with Matt Keith (L) of Ingolstadt during the DEL match between Hamburg Freezers and ERC Ingolstadt at the Color Line Arena on October 14, 2008 in Hamburg, Germany.

Russian Nikolay Davydenko returns a ball to US Robby Ginepri during a second round tennis match at the Masters in Madrid on October 15, 2008.

A golf ball which has been enveloped by the tree over many years is pictured during the pro-am for the Portugal Masters at the Oceanico Victoria Golf Course on October 15, 2008 in Vilamoura, Portugal.

Andy Murray of Great Britain plays football during his training session prior to his thrid round match tomorrow at the Madrid Masters tennis tournament at the Madrid Arena on October 15, 2008 in Madrid, Spain.

Samuel Peter from Nigeria gets a punch from Vitali Klitschko of Ukraine during their WBC heavyweight boxing world championship fight in Berlin, Germany, Saturday, Oct. 11, 2008. Klitschko won the fight after round nine due to technical knock out.

Herbert Knosowski, AP

Japan's Kyoko Hamaguchi (lower) fights with China's Hong Yan (red) during the semi-final of the 72kg class of the Women's Wrestling World Championships in Tokyo on October 13, 2008. Hong defeated Hamaguchi and will face Bulgaria's Stanka Zlateva in the final.

Yoshikazu Tsuno, AFP/Getty Images

Fortunately for Ms. Franco, not being perfect at your job and being utterly and completely marketable are not mutually exclusive. And, as a result, she has reportedly landed a deal with Nike to represent the company's international interests while wearing their finest athletic apparel.

Now, bear in mind that this appears (like Ufford said) to have little substantial information by which to ascertain that Ms. Franco has been signed. Until you get loose on the Google translator and hit up La Tercera:

According to the newspaper ABC Color, Paraguay, Franco signed a contract with Nike to be the face of campaign advertising signature sportswear. "In February 2009, Nike launched the campaign in Europe as Leryn image, so that the Paraguayan is shown on all the brand stores and in magazines," says the tabloid.

The new link for the athlete-model bordearía 500 thousand dollars. Discover the video of the photo session that made the sexy Paraguayan latercera.com.

Now, I'm not sure exactly how much she's getting for this deal, but one would think it will probably be a pretty substantial amount of cash.

Of course, as always, there are moral implications here. Is alright for Nike to sign an attractive athlete who may or may not succeed at his/her sport? Doesn't this sort of reward -- simply for being attractive -- take away from the hard work that attractive but also talented people, like the lovely Ms. Anna Rawson, do every day?

Maybe. Personally, I'm fine with it; Franco is an Olympic quality athlete, so it's not like Nike is just picking attractive women off the street. And she'll sell their product, so it's probably a good business decision.

Leryn Franco Lands Deal With Nike originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Naked Skier Found by TheSmokingGun.com Is Internet Sensation, Probably Embarrassed

Will Brinson — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:50:00 EST

Filed under: Skiing, Blogs, Outdoor Sports, Breaking News

The SmokingGun.com is notorious for -- among many things -- finding bizarre legal documents and mugshots of famous people. They are darn good at what they do and everyone loves them for it. But they scored one of their biggest coups yesterday when they stumbled upon pictures of a skier hanging from a chairlift by his pants in Vail, Colo.

Yes, it is the gentleman you see above in the left corner, and no, he is not comfortable. As I wrote elsewhere yesterday, I'm terrified of heights. So I can't imagine having to hang from a ski lift without knowing whether I would plummet to certain limb breakage or not. Add being, ahem, 100 percent fully exposed to the harsh chills of winter and the certain embarrassment of other skiers' eyes, and I'm fairly certain that I'd rather not even be brought down.

Pictures of said skier being rescued after the jump (They are SFW, but, yes, there is some male buttocks.)

Naked Skier Found by TheSmokingGun.com Is Internet Sensation, Probably Embarrassed originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:50:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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