Back Porch FanHouse

Lions Kill Deer at National Zoo as Horrified Spectators Look On

Michael David Smith — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 11:59:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature

The National Zoo in Washington, D.C., became the scene of a bizarre and morbid spectacle on Sunday as hundreds of visitors cheered on a deer attempting to run to safety after it jumped a wall into the lion habitat. Zookeepers removed the lions, but only after they had fatally wounded the deer.

The Washington Post reports that the crowd's cheering was not unlike the kind at a sporting event:

"Everyone was cheering, 'Go, go, go' " to encourage the deer to reach safety, witness Josh Shpayher said. "Everyone was rooting for the deer."

As recounted by witnesses, the deer, over as much as 20 minutes, was in and out of a moat while the lions clutched, clawed or swatted it. A crowd of spectators grew. Some shrieked, cried out or took children away.

The deer apparently ran from a nearby park into the zoo, through crowds of people, and then leaped into the moat surrounding the lions. One of the two female lions inside the enclosure jumped on the deer, and although the deer escaped, it suffered wounds that, according to a zoo spokesperson, made it "pretty evident" that the deer "would not survive." The deer was anesthetized.

Lions Kill Deer at National Zoo as Horrified Spectators Look On originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Mon, 09 Nov 2009 11:59:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Tom Cable vs. Steve Spagnuolo

Ryan Wilson — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction | The Bracket | Round 1 Recap

If the handful of guys I mentioned yesterday advanced to the second round of Fake Fight Club based on the on-field success of the teams they coach over their ability to throw (or take) a punch, this matchup is exactly the opposite.

Tom Cable (1) and Steve Spagnuolo (4) face off after disposing of Wade Phillips and Bill Belichick, respectively. (Now that I think about it, Wade and Bill would also comprise the worst tag-team partnership in fake fighting history.) Combined, the Raiders and Rams are 2-12 (the Cowboys and Patriots are 9-4), so the head coaches aren't still in the tourney because they're popular with the hometown crowds.

They're still around because in make-believe world, their hands are registered weapons, they have some tickets to the gun show for you, and so on and so forth. Cable would appear to have the advantage because he's the type of guy who unwinds by going to a bar with the express purpose of beating the crap out of some people.

And while Spags is in good shape, and probably pretty quick on his feet, Cable is the same dude who (allegedly) punched Raiders assistant Randy Hanson in the gourd before (allegedly) threatening to kill him. Hanson looks to be in good shape and pretty quick on his feet. Neither mattered to Cable's Hulk Fists.

If Cable handles Spags it could portend good things for his run to the final four. The next-round opponent will either be Raheem Morris or Jim Harbaugh, two young guys in relatively good shape, sorta like Spags. This assumes, of course, that voters go solely by the measurables. They don't, otherwise Josh McDaniels would have been crushed under the weight of Jeff Fisher's mustache and mullet.

But unlike Fisher, Cable will cave your face in if you don't do exactly what he says. You've been warned.

NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Tom Cable vs. Steve Spagnuolo originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Andy Reid vs. Jim Caldwell

Ryan Wilson — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction | The Bracket | Round 1 Recap

It seems that seedings don't much matter in Fake Fight Club. Neither do measurables like size, speed and weight. The biggest factor on whether a coach advances to the next round? How well his team is currently playing.

Readers voted for Josh McDaniels (7) over Jeff Fisher (2), John Harbaugh (6) over Jim Scwhartz (3), and Gary Kubiak (6) over Lovie Smith (3). (I can only assume that Jim Mora Jr. (6) got past Marvin Lewis (3) solely on the assumption that the Bengals would suck.)

And for one half of this bout it's more of the same. First-year Colts head coach Jim Caldwell (7) outlasted Tony Sparano (2). And for his troubles, he gets to exchange pretend punches with Andy Reid, a 3-seed who made his way to the second round after quickly disposing of John Fox.

So what should we expect in this make-believe matchup? No idea. It's Captain Tons-o-Fun vs. Stone-Faced Killa. Each man has his strengths (for Reid: girth, for Caldwell: steely resolve) and weaknesses (Twinkies and a reliance on Peyton Manning for everything, respectively). Reid coached under another tub, Mike Holmgren, and Caldwell seems to be from the Art Shell School of Facial Expressions.

Of course, Reid isn't particularly expressive, but much of that can be blamed on the indigestion. Reid clearly has the size advantage and at 51 he's three years younger than Caldwell. But if the voters had the Colts head coach taking out Sparano there's no reason to think he won't have a good shot at doing the same against Reid.

I suppose that's one of the ancillary benefits of Fake Fight Club: unlike Philly fans, who annually want Reid run out of town, Colts supporters will gladly stick up for their own. Because that's how Midwesterners roll.

NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Andy Reid vs. Jim Caldwell originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Rex Ryan vs. Sean Payton

Matt Snyder — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction | The Bracket | Round 1 Recap

While it's not exactly Luke Skywalker vs. Jabba the Hut, this is definitely a matchup of the slender versus the plump. Sean Payton definitely seems like a scrappy fellow, though Rex Ryan's intensity is off the charts. Would Payton have enough moxie to get inside on the pudgy Jets' boss, or would Ryan's gargantuan size be enough to crush the pocket-sized Payton?

Personally, I think Ryan would destroy him. He's fat, sure, but unlike Eric Mangini, he is actually a tough guy and I have no doubt he will bring the raucous. Plus, being a defensive end in college, Ryan probably hates quarterbacks. It's ingrained in their heads and you don't just shake that feeling -- especially when presented with the opportunity to pummel one.

Payton is a former quarterback. He was a replacement QB for the Bears during the strike of '87 and also took some snaps in the Arena Football League. This probably means he'd be able to scramble and get away from the rotund defensive end. In fake Fight Club, he has no choice but to square off against him in hand-to-hand combat.

The key to victory for Payton would be to stay low and out of Ryan's reach. The key for Ryan will be to get Payton locked up as quickly as possible, because there's a good chance he's running out of breath in a long fight.

NFL Coaches Fight Club, Round 2: Rex Ryan vs. Sean Payton originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Tomlin (2) vs. Brad Childress (7)

Ryan Wilson — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Here's the deal: the only way Brad Childress would have a shot to win any fight -- real, imagined, whatever -- against Mike Tomlin is if Tomlin was just off a drug and alcohol-fueled Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-inspired bender with Jeff Reed minutes before stepping into the ring (or wherever it is these matches take place). And even then, I wouldn't be shocked if Tomlin was still favored.

In other first-round matchups that have appeared to be lopsided on paper, the underdog (usually slightly built and older) could rely on smarts and wiles to give them a chance. Childress is both slight and old (and bald, which, I suppose, could serve to blind Tomlin if the match were held under interrogation lamps), and, hell, he may even be smart, he's just great at hiding it.

But even if Childress is a genius, Tomlin's just as sharp. Plus he's 50 pounds heavier and has all his hair. Mike's got the physical and psychological edge. And for the one or two of you who remained unconvinced: when Brett Favre finally decided to unretire again, Childress left Vikings practice to pick him up at the airport. Can you see Tomlin doing that? Or anybody who didn't have "Quality Control Assistant" in front of their name in the media guide? Me neither.

Not like it matters, but for completeness, Tomlin is a former wide receiver at the College of William and Mary and still holds the school record for career receiving touchdowns. Childress was an All-American defensive end at Ohio State before a freak accident (asteroid strike) shortened what would have been a hall of fame NFL career and forced him to the sidelines*.

So unless Brad shows up with Purple Jesus, Tomlin will wipe the floor with the man who gave him his first job as an NFL defensive coordinator in about the time it took you to read this run-on sentence.

* Attention dullards: sentence is fabricated.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Tomlin (2) vs. Brad Childress (7) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Ken Whisenhunt (4) vs. Mike McCarthy (5)

Mark Hasty — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

If we did a good job seeding this imaginary tournament of ours, the 4-versus-5 matches should be closer than the paparazzi following Kate Gosselin around. Behold, a matchup which suggests that we occasionally know what we're doing.

From a distance it looks like your typical Southwestern hardbody going up against a generic Midwestern doughball. Ken Whisenhunt just makes Mike McCarthy chase him all over the ring until all that fried cheese catches up with him, then a few swings and it's over.

Looking at their two pedigrees would seem to back that up. Whisenhunt's story would get you a C- in most creative writing classes. He's what writers refer to as a Mary Sue, a character who's just a little too perfect to be believable. Whisenhunt is an Eagle Scout who walked on at Georgia Tech, a school you actually have to be smart to get into. He got a degree in civil engineering. Show me five civil engineering students playing big-time college football today and I'll show you five guys who aren't getting any playing time. Not even on the scout team.

From GT, Whiz became an NFL tight end/blocking back. I love me some blocking backs. They're useless in fantasy football so nobody cares about them any more but there's a darn good reason Lorenzo Neal had a 16-year career in the NFL. Every team needs a guy who's fast and knows how to faceplant a defensive tackle. Whisenhunt was that guy.

Mike McCarthy never played in the NFL. In fact, he never even played in the NCAA. McCarthy was a tight end for Baker University, an NAIA school located about 15 minutes south of Lawrence, Kansas. How a police officer's kid from Pittsburgh wound up there is anybody's guess.

Then again, stop and think about that for a minute. McCarthy traveled from the Steel City to Resume Speed, Kansas, just to play NAIA football. When Ken Whisenhunt was spending his NFL paychecks on Cosby sweaters and lattes (okay, it was the 1980s, so it was probably just General Foods International Coffees) Mike McCarthy was in his first coaching job, tearing apart his car looking for dimes and quarters so he could upgrade from six McNuggets to nine. McCarthy started as a graduate assistant at Fort Hays State, a Division II school in western Kansas.

"Division II graduate assistant" translates to "Here's a dorm room, here's a meal plan, here's no money, here's a job application from Kmart, but be sure to let them know you're only available from 4 to 8 on Sundays, because the rest of the time you'll be chasing down tapes and refilling the defensive coordinator's coffee cup. Kansas City is four and a half hours away, but don't let that get you down. You can't afford the gas to drive there anyway."

From there McCarthy went to Pitt as an unpaid assistant. Hungry man's an angry man, don't you know. Sure, McCarthy doesn't exactly look hungry these days. I live in Wisconsin too. It's a long, cold, dark winter. Tough to go running when it's colder than a penguin's feet outside. Very easy to call for pizza. The state Liquor Control Board also makes sure we all get the free hip flask of blackberry brandy we're entitled to every week. That's why McCarthy is not considered fat by Wisconsin standards.

Call me a local homer, but I'm taking McCarthy. I think his dues-paying gives him a mental toughness that will keep him from getting suckered in by Whisenhunt's Diet Rope-A-Dope. And all of Disgruntled Packerdom just threw up a little at the thought of Mike McCarthy winning any sort of mental battle with anyone.

Except Ted Thompson, of course.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Ken Whisenhunt (4) vs. Mike McCarthy (5) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Lovie Smith (3) vs. Gary Kubiak (6)

Stephanie Stradley — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

It's hard to handicap a fight between these native Texans because they are both supposed to be so niiiiiice. Physically, they are about the same size and look to be in similar shape, though Texans coach Gary Kubiak's hair looks pointy-pointy, like a stabby weapon that could gouge your eyes out with a headbutt.

From all accounts, Bears coach Lovie Smith is exceedingly nice. Not just nice for a head coach, but actual nice. Doesn't curse, doesn't yell, donates money each month to his hometown church in Big Sandy, Texas.

His actual given name is "Lovie," not an ironic nickname like calling a fat guy "Tiny." Perhaps he's a speak-softly-carry-a-big-stick guy given that he played defensive end and linebacker in high school and then linebacker and safety in college.

Hard to think of him punching anyone, but I will say that "Lovie Lee Smith" makes for an excellent fight name.

Before Gary Kubiak was a clipboard carrier for John Elway, and perhaps one of the most beloved backup quarterbacks of all time, he was a four-sport athlete for St. Pius X High School in Houston and then quarterbacked Texas A&M. Very likeable guy, never fired from a job which is more than most coaches can say. I looked to see if I could find any evidence of fights this good Catholic boy has been in, but all I discovered was Steelers linebacker Greg Lloyd getting ejected from his first pro game for punching Kubiak.

Kubiak does train like a fighter. Despite 95-plus temperatures at Texans training camp practices, he wears a sweatshirt and then often runs back to the facility to get his exercise in. I've been told he likes wearing sweatshirts in the heat because he enjoys sweating.

Perhaps he can out-stench his opponent in this matchup.

Kubiak, unlike Smith is known to yell and cuss at his players. And make very mean faces. Sage Rosenfels had to ask Kubiak to stop cussing him when he made mistakes because it wasn't going to help him stop being the Rosenchoppa.

One of the interesting things about doing this write-up was how difficult it was to find any animated or mean pictures of Lovie Smith. Page after page of pictures, and he looked pretty zen and calm in just about all of them. Maybe he's an android. Or a KILLER ROBOT!!! He's just deceiving the world with his calm, even-keeled demeanor but totally ready to take out NFL coaches with laserbeams that shoot out of his eyeballs and other creepy killer robot stuff.

Not likely, but how likely is it to be a head coach and never get caught by cameras moving your face in any sort of negative expression. I mean, Rex Grossman was his quarterback.

Kubiak, on the other hand, was very easy to find all sorts of faces -- smiling, angry, yelling, snarky, and the thin-lipped "I'm fixin to kick your ass" look. His religious background may be an impediment to a fight, but not if he is fighting a killer robot coach because you get a moral pass kicking the crap out of a machine.

How the propensity for mean faces translates to punching another human being, I don't know.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Lovie Smith (3) vs. Gary Kubiak (6) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Ultramarathoners Are Tough, Insane

Ryan Wilson — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, Outdoor Sports

When I think of athletes who have to endure incomprehensible physical pain to achieve success in their sport, runners don't immediately come to mind.

That's not to say they don't have to overcome grueling obstacles, just that it's hard to think of rail-thin dudes in gym clothes as anything other than, well, rail-thin dudes in gym clothes.

My prejudice would be misguided, however. The NFL and NHL are more controlled car crashes than sports, and MMA or boxing are just as bad. But don't underestimate ultramarathoners. No, seriously. Via the New York Times:

Swimmers shave their bodies sleek. Cyclists take blood-boosters. And ultramarathoners have their battered toenails surgically removed - for good.

Toenail removal is not for the faint of heart, but it can be a big relief to people who compete in 50- or 100-mile races. Even the most hardened ultramarathoners, for whom 26.2 miles is a warm-up, can be distressed by bleeding under a nail or a loose nail that bangs repeatedly against the front of a shoe.

Apparently, only the clinically insane consider toenail removal. Or, as Dr. Paul R. Langer calls them, the "hard-cores." "Even within the ultra community, less than 10 percent or maybe even 5 percent are permanently removing their toenails."

If you ever wondered what toenail-less feet look like, here ya go. And you can help support the cause by purchasing a "Toenails are for sissies" t-shirt. Or if you're so inclined, go through the procedure yourself. It sounds like a barrel of monkeys.

Take Dr. Lisa Bliss, who won Badwater, the 135-mile race in Death Valley, in 2007, two years after having her two big toenails permanently removed. Previously, she had four times had a podiatrist cut away two misshapen nails that had grown back - painfully - into the nail bed instead of lying flat. So, she figured, why not just get rid of the nails?

Exactly.

Ultramarathoners Are Tough, Insane originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Jim Schwartz (3) vs. John Harbaugh (6)

Matt Snyder — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

It seems like every NCAA basketball tournament features an upstart three seed who ends up making a run and knocking out a few of the higher seeds. In 2006, Florida took one to the championship, as did Syracuse in Carmelo Anthony's lone collegiate season. Last year, Villanova rode a three to the Final Four. There are many more examples, but this isn't a dissertation on college basketball. It's an introduction to Jim Schwartz's sneakiness as a three-seed in a fictional fight tournament.

Schwartz is relatively young, appears to be in great physical condition and has a serious mean streak. Look at the picture above. It'll be a common sight for the rest of 2009 as the Lions struggle through Year 1 of the rebuilding process. He's already had his first post-game meltdown -- Week 4 against the Bears, when he undressed his own team in the presser after a 48-24 loss -- which illustrates how he has zero tolerance for failure.

As someone who was an All-American and Academic All-American linebacker for Georgetown, Schwartz is easily a double-threat in terms of brains and brawn. Plus, look at how miserably the Titans are faring this season without him calling the shots as defensive coordinator. A final note: Schwartz appears crazy at times, and that's definitely a good thing. No matter how you slice it, Schwartz is a legitimate threat to make some serious noise in this tournament.

Of course, he first needs to take down a pretty tough six seed in John Harbaugh. Sure, he's slightly smaller and older, but he's no pushover. Harbaugh played defensive back for Miami (OH) and can match the intensity of Schwartz. Harbaugh's also a good bet to match Schwartz's smarts; he is the very definition of a student of the game. He wasn't really even considered a legit candidate for the Ravens' head coaching gig, but he knocked the socks off Ravens' brass and ended taking Baltimore to the AFC Championship game in his first year -- with a rookie quarterback. I also think Harbaugh would be pretty scrappy in a heated battle like fictional fight club would provide.

Still, it's gonna be a tough task to take down the younger, stronger and more insane Schwartz.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Jim Schwartz (3) vs. John Harbaugh (6) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Raheem Morris (2) vs. Eric Mangini (7)

Matt Snyder — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Eric Mangini is large. He's only 38 years old. He played nose tackle in college and still holds Wesleyan University's school records for sacks in a single season (11.5) and in a career (36.5). That sounds pretty bad ass. So why is he a seven seed? So many reasons.

First, he has manboobs and a beer belly. His physique more resembles an out-of-work truck driver than a football player who can fight. But he's tough, right? I mean, he's tough on his players and takes on a no-nonsense persona.

Well, I beg to differ. His actions come across as desperately trying to convince everyone he's tough, as opposed to actually being tough like, say, Tom Coughlin or Bill Belichick. He's a wannabe. Wannabes are actually mentally weak, and I'm putting him in that camp.

Of course, he thinks he'll have an advantage. He's keeping a secret in the days leading up to his first-round battle. "I'm not telling you whether I'm using martial arts or street-fighting, you'll just have to wait and see," he told FanHouse, when asked about the fight.*

So, let's see: Mangini is fat, mentally weak and desperately trying to model himself after other, more successful and respected coaches. That's not a good combination in anything, much less a no-holds barred scrap.

On the other hand, you have Raheem Morris -- a 33-year-old who appears to be in the best physical condition of his life. Other than that, we don't know a ton about Morris. On the eye test, though (see photos above), I'm pretty sure I'm betting on the muscular dude with a waist-band of less than 50 inches. Morris just looks like the type of cat who could eat Manginas for breakfast, and Mangini would probably be out of breath within 30 seconds.

Call it a hunch.

*not really

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Raheem Morris (2) vs. Eric Mangini (7) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Todd Haley (4) vs. Sean Payton (5)

Ryan Wilson — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Here's all you need to know: Todd Haley, the Chiefs' first-year head coach, attended the University of Florida and the University of Miami and played on BOTH schools' golf team. And yet he's a four seed to Sean Payton's five seed.

Not sure if that says more about Payton or Haley, but either way, this is going to be one of those knockdown, drag-out slap fights that won't end until somebody breaks a nail.

Actually, this is a matchups that, at first glance, looks wholly uninteresting, but has the potential to be much more than that. (You know, assuming this wasn't a fictional exercise.) Haley's golfing prowess aside, is known for his short fuse. He worked for Bill Parcells in Dallas, and the first time I heard his name was after learning that he had berated then-Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens for being late to practice. This was back when berating T.O. was still a relatively novel concept.

And then, as the Cardinals' offensive coordinator, there were the periodic sideline blow-ups with Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin. That's not necessarily indicative of Haley's ability to kick somebody's ass, but it does point to his tenacity. Of course, the philosophizing Mike Tyson once said that, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

In Haley's case, that might not be an issue with his first-round opponent -- not unless Payton gets a step ladder.

That's an exaggeration. Plus, Payton is also from the Parcells coaching tree. But before joining the Tuna in Dallas in 2003, he served as the Giants quarterbacks coach and then offensive coordinator from 2000-2002. Things got so bad his last year in New York that then-head coach Jim Fassel stripped him of play-calling duties. This is the same Jim Fassel, by the way, that was fired as the Ravens' OC during their 2006 season bye week. By his best friend, Brian Billick.

(This has absolutely nothing to do with the Haley vs. Payton throwdown, but I just want to mention that Fassel did such a horrible job that even Brian Billick could tell. Brian Billick!)

Payton landed on his feet in Dallas, somehow made Quincy Carter, Vinny Testaverde and Drew Bledsoe into 3,000-yard passers, and eventually got the head coaching gig in New Orleans.

He also had the good sense to turn down the Raiders' job in 2005. That said, common sense and coaching ability won't help him here; Tom Cable is a No. 1 seed. Then again, slap-fighting requires an entirely different strategy than straight-up whaling on a guy.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Todd Haley (4) vs. Sean Payton (5) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Tony Sparano (3) vs. Jim Caldwell (6)

Matt Snyder — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Talk about both ends of the spectrum. We've got Tony Sparano -- wearing his emotions on his sleeve, full of energy and hugging his players after victories like they are actually his teammates -- in one corner. In the other stands Jim Caldwell. Boring and unknown Jim Caldwell. I'm not sure I've ever seen a facial expression from Caldwell different than the one pictured above. You can't tell if he's livid, sullen or jubilant. He might move up and down the sideline during the game, but you never see him ... react, no matter what happens.

Really, this fight is only interesting because these men are polar opposites. If Caldwell was matched up against, say, Dick Jauron, it would be as much a snooze-fest as last week's Browns-Bills game. With Sparano's fire, though, he might be able to elicit some kind of reaction from Caldwell. Just because someone doesn't project their feelings outwardly doesn't mean they don't have them. Stoicism doesn't equate to a lack of toughness; in fact, you could argue that someone is mentally tougher if they can keep everything bottled up inside. Caldwell is an NFL football coach (and so far a successful one), so he's gotta have something going on.

We do know that Caldwell was a four-year starter at defensive back for Iowa back when the Big Ten was a powerhouse conference, and he's not exactly a small man. He's not too old to be in pretty good shape, either, so he could pose an upset threat to Sparano.

Of course, Sparano is six years younger, bigger, and was a starting center for the University of New Haven. We get to see his intensity on a weekly basis on the Miami sidelines and last season's turnaround shows that he's in it for the long haul. I'm betting he's about as tough as they come when squaring off mano-a-mano. A bonus? There are mob ties.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Tony Sparano (3) vs. Jim Caldwell (6) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Rex Ryan (1) vs. Norv Turner (8)

Ryan Wilson — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Rex Ryan is the son of Buddy Ryan. That fact alone is enough to carry him a few rounds in this tournament, but the former Ravens defensive coordinator currently coaching up the Jets seems perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

This summer, he and Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder engaged in some gum-flapping with Ryan finally telling the New York media that, "I'll say this to you guys: I'm not going to be hard to find out there ... I'll be wearing a white jersey with a 77 on it."

Ryan was referring to nose tackle Kris Jenkins, who is listed at 360, but is probably close to 460. Just like his coach. The point: even if Rex isn't particularly adept at throwing down (and there's no reason to think he isn't, but for the sake of argument), his girth alone affords him a, ahem, sizable advantage.

But his insane in the membrane lineage coupled with his collegiate career as a defensive end at Southwestern Oklahoma State University makes him one of the most dangerous coaches in our little make-believe fight club.

His first-round opponent is one of the four 8-seeds, Norval Eugene Turner. A lot of times, leading up to a matchup, a television talking head will proclaim, "It looks one-sided on paper, but games aren't played on paper!" followed by the "Blue Steel" to reinforce the profundity of the statement.

Ryan vs. Turner is one of those times that it looks like an ass-beating on paper, and it'll turn into an ass-beating in their pretend fight, too. Barring a heart attack that leaves Ryan completely immobilized, Turner doesn't stand a chance. If there's a bright side, it's this: Norv's odds of advancing have to be slightly better than Jim Zorn's, who faced Mike Singletary in Round 1. Like it matters, but for the sake of completeness: Turner was a quarterback at the University of Oregon. So was Joey Harrington. Big whoop.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Rex Ryan (1) vs. Norv Turner (8) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Marvin Lewis (3) vs. Jim Mora Jr. (6)

Adam Gretz — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Outside of that 11-5 season in 2005, and the first five weeks of the 2009 campaign, everything about Marvin Lewis' tenure in Cincinnati has been the definition of mediocrity. Four of his seasons have ended with an 8-8 or 7-9 record, his overall mark is 50-50-1, and the Bengals have never won a playoff game with him in control.

They haven't been terrible with him, but they haven't been great, either.

They're just ... there.

Lewis never played in the NFL, but he was a three-time All-Conference selection as a linebacker at Idaho State, where he also played baseball and wrestled (a plus for this competition, I'd say). He worked his way up through the coaching ranks starting as a linebackers coach at his alma mater in 1981, before eventually becoming the defensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens from 1996 through 2001, and holding the same position with the Washington Redskins in 2002. From there, Lewis moved onto Cincinnati where his teams have been consistently average on the field, and, at times, out of control off of it.

His opponent in this opening round, Jim Mora Jr., is the son of one of the greatest quote machines the NFL has ever known. Like his opponent, Mora never played in the NFL, but he was a member of two Rose Bowl teams at the University of Washington as a defensive back.

There's a four-year age difference (Mora is 47, Lewis 51) and both have experience dealing with people who have had run-ins with the law.

Examples: Mora's starting quarterback in Atlanta was Michael Vick before he was sent to prison on dog fighting charges. In 2006, his offensive line coach was current Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable, who is currently dealing with some potential legal problems of his own.

Lewis, on the other hand, dealt with the 2005-06 Bengals. Nothing else really needs to be said about that one.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Marvin Lewis (3) vs. Jim Mora Jr. (6) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Jeff Fisher (2) vs. Josh McDaniels (7)

Matt Snyder — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:30:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

*May be approximate

There aren't many guys Jeff Fisher's size who could have made it in the NFL, which means his toughness and tenacity speak volumes. He's resilient, too. Fisher is currently the longest tenured head coach in the league, and he's followed the Titans (originally the Oilers) from Houston to Tennessee.

He comes off as a no-nonsense guy, and considering that the Titans appear headed for one of the few bad seasons in his coaching career, we can't imagine he'd be in a chipper mood leading up to a fake fight. Plus, never underestimate a dude sporting a mullet/mustache combo. There's something down-and-dirty '80s about him.

Josh McDaniels played quarterback in high school before being moved to receiver in college. His father is a legendary high school football coach in Ohio, so he grew up around the game. All things considered, the diminutive McDaniels is more of a brainiac than a fighter. He's obviously a student of the game, having been groomed by his father, Nick Saban (as a grad assistant at Michigan State) and then Bill Belichick in New England.

While he's obviously not afraid to ruffle some feathers (see Jay Cutler) or butt heads with a player (see Brandon Marshall), we have no idea what he's capable of physically. Doesn't he seem more like a desk bully than someone who would be willing to get his hands dirty? He's the mouthpiece on the playground flanked by two meatheads. This is all speculation, of course, and if his recent sideline fist-pumping antics are a glimpse into what he might bring to a fight, then maybe he deserves a little more credit. But that's the thing: he's only been a head coach for five weeks -- it's tough to get a read on him.

Fisher, on the other hand, has been around long enough for us to know what kind of brawler he would be: someone who will never quit. The power of the mullet compels him.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Jeff Fisher (2) vs. Josh McDaniels (7) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Smith (4) vs. Tom Coughlin (5)

Matt Snyder — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

Mike Smith definitely owns the advantage here in terms of age and bulk. A former linebacker back in the day, he's thicker than Tom Coughlin, who was just a slotback-type during his playing days.

Both coaches have shown a penchant for winning and the ability to light a fire under their teams. And their demeanor during the ups and downs of a season is a good sign that they can dial it up a notch when needed. It's not a stretch to think both would have a "never say die" attitude during a throwdown.

Coughlin has a couple X-factors on his side. He once considered becoming a Catholic priest, which isn't necessarily a good thing when it comes to having to repeatedly punch another man in the face. While I don't begrudge anyone for following their faith (I have a great uncle who has been a priest for over 40 years), it doesn't seem like the type of thing a fighter would do. If Coughlin is still as religious as he apparently once was, wouldn't he have a problem doing all it took to keep a bloodied Smith on the ground?

On the flip side, he's is known as "Colonel Coughlin" for his hard-ass mentality and his almost OCD-like precision to detail. What if Smith shows up on time for the fight instead of five minutes early? Won't that whip Coughlin into a blind tizzy and eventually doom Smith's chances at a victory? What if Coughlin believes in a fair fight and Smith gouges one of his eyes? How angry will he get?

As you can see, things could really go either way with Coughlin.

With Smith, I believe he'd do whatever it took to win, even if it meant getting his hands a little dirty.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Smith (4) vs. Tom Coughlin (5) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Singletary (1 ) v. Jim Zorn (8)

Will Brinson — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL, Backporch Features

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

More Coverage: Fight Club Introduction, 1st Round Seeds

As you can see, Zorn comes in with a sizable disadvantage in this little melee in terms of size, age and experience.. And, yes, this matchup is opening up our Coaches' Fight Club Series because we don't want to have a re-seeding go down in two weeks when Zorn gets canned. But let me ask you this: is there anything he brings to the table as a coach? Or is it entirely possible that the Zorn Star makes a weinee like Norv Turner look totally tough?

The answer to those questions are: "nothing" and "absolutely." Which means that we won't be spending much time on this matchup as Singletary is all but guaranteed to throttle Zorn. Think about it, though -- the Redskins' head coach is a puppet in one of the worst football regimes in America, doing Dan Snyder's dirty work. (And doing it and doing it and doing it ~~well~~ ineffectively.)

Singletary, on the other hand, took over a team, pulled down his pants, screamed a lot, and a year later, they look poised to cruise towards the playoffs behind a hard-nosed defense that can find the end zone and a rejuvenated offense featuring Frank Gore and Shaun Hill. (The latter is particularly amazing when you consider that Alex Smith still hasn't destroyed this once-proud franchise.)

And while those are football facts, they're also what we in the business of creating fake steel cage matches between NFL head coaches like to call "intangibles." You see, Singletary is willing to deal with personal humiliation in order to motivate his team, he's one of the greatest defensive players in the history of the NFL, and he's a hard-hitting meast of a man that no one wants to fight.

Jim Zorn gets bossed around by Colt Brennan and he played a year in the CFL -- you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what kind of de-pantsing this will end up being.

NFL Coaches Fight Club: Mike Singletary (1 ) v. Jim Zorn (8) originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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NFL Coaches Fight Club: The Tournament

Matt Snyder — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:00:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, NFL, Backporch Features

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

Consider this hypothetical: what if two coaches met in a dark alley and threw down in a no-holds-barred brawl? Who would emerge victorious?

First, some background: back when I was in high school, when my friends and I were pretty creative in finding ways to avoid actually paying attention in class, we'd create brackets (think NCAA Tournament) where we'd pit our teachers against each other**. Whoever we thought would win in a fight advanced to the next round. It always ended with our offensive line coach against our wrestling coach in the finals and a huge argument as to who would come out on top.

Anyway, last week, the Back Porch staff somehow ended up discussing whether Rex Ryan or Tom Cable would win in a old school playground scrap. I passed along the above information, and shortly after that, an idea was born -- NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament.

The premise is pretty simple. It's a single-elimination tournament, pitting one NFL coach against another in fictional fisticuffs. Readers will vote and the winner advances to the next round. (I feel compelled to point out right now that if you don't like to have fun, please leave now. This isn't for everyone.)

What we'll do is put up an individual "Tale of the Tape"-type post for each matchup over the course of the next few weeks. Each post will have a "who ya got?" poll where readers can vote for who they think would advance. We'll do it until we have a champion.

The No. 1 overall seed -- through Back Porch staff voting -- was Samurai Mike Singletary in a landslide. The Hall of Fame middle linebacker draws maligned Redskins coach Jim Zorn in the first round and faces a bracket with the lowest No. 2 seed.

All of the first round matchups are listed below with seeding in parentheses. The bouts are sorted into four regions, which are named for four relatively recent coaches we think would have been tough outs in this tournament.

The Mike Ditka Region

Mike Singletary, 49ers (1) vs. Jim Zorn, Redskins (8)
Mike Smith, Falcons (4) vs. Tom Coughlin, Giants (5)
Jeff Fisher, Titans (2) vs. Josh McDaniels, Broncos (7)
Marvin Lewis, Bengals (3) vs. Jim Mora Jr., Seahawks (6)

The Mike Tice Region

Rex Ryan, Jets (1) vs. Norv Turner, Chargers (8)
Todd Haley, Chiefs (4) vs. Sean Payton, Saints (5)
Tony Sparano, Dolphins (2) vs. Jim Caldwell, Colts (7)
Andy Reid, Eagles (3) vs. John Fox, Panthers (6)

The Bill Cowher Region

Tom Cable, Raiders (1) vs. Wade Phillips, Cowboys (8)
Steve Spagnuolo, Rams (4) vs. Bill Belichick, Patriots (5)
Raheem Morris, Buccaneers (2) vs. Eric Mangini, Browns (7)
Jim Schwartz, Lions (3) vs. John Harbaugh, Ravens (6)

The Jim Haslett Region

Jack Del Rio, Jaguars (1) vs. Dick Jauron, Bills (8)
Ken Whisenhunt, Cardinals (4) vs. Mike McCarthy, Packers (5)
Mike Tomlin, Steelers (2) vs. Brad Childress, Vikings (7)
Lovie Smith, Bears (3) vs. Gary Kubiak, Texans (6)

**Special hat-tip to my boy, DFJ, for originally coming up with the Fight Tournament idea

NFL Coaches Fight Club: The Tournament originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:00:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Young Gentleman of Leisure Gets KTFO by Field Goal at High School Game

Will Brinson — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:28:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature, High School, Track and Field

Some people are athletes. Some are not. And the latter group is usually more likely to be tagged in the face by a football after it travels through the uprights en route to a successfully completed field goal. Like the kid below, who got absolutely dominated in this little tiny pile of awesomeoness.

Young Gentleman of Leisure Gets KTFO by Field Goal at High School Game originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Thu, 27 Aug 2009 17:28:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Horse Flies 30 Feet, Dies After Being Struck by Rally Car

Michael David Smith — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 18:10:00 EST

Filed under: Sports of an Extreme Nature

A group of horses crossed the path of a rally car race Monday, causing one horse to be struck by a car and thrown an estimated 30 feet into the air.

The collision happened during the Argentine Rally, when the horse walked directly into the path of driver Federico Villagra's Mitsubishi Evo. The badly hurt horse was euthanized shortly after.

The Daily Mail quoted Villagra offering a simple explanation of what happened:

Villagra said: 'I was surprised that some horses crossed. It hit the windscreen and flew over the car.

Villagra was not hurt in the crash, and after stopping for about 30 seconds, he continued and finished the race.

Horse Flies 30 Feet, Dies After Being Struck by Rally Car originally appeared on Back Porch FanHouse on Wed, 19 Aug 2009 18:10:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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