Back Porch FanHouse - the-dugout

The Dugout: Can't Think of a Pun for Randy Winn

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-31T22:25:00 00:00

The New York Yankees have signed veteran outfielder Randy Winn to a one-year contract worth a reported... huh, what? Oh, sorry, I passed out from a colossal kind of boredom trying to finish that sentence and bashed my head into the coffee table. Hey look, I have a small bump on my head, and somehow even that is more exciting than the Yankees signing Randy Winn. Sorry Randy, I didn't want to take you in the 20th round of my fantasy draft and I don't really want to talk about you here.

The Dugout follows.

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The Dugout: Jason Giambi on the Road to Damascus

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-27T10:45:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

Jason Giambi, pictured right, is making the same face I made when I found out that the Colorado Rockies are close to bringing back Jason Giambi as a pinch hitter. Giambi is just the youthful solution the Rockies need to assist aging first baseman Todd Helton. Apparently, Giambi's 2009 season of no hits in one at bat for Colorado gave them the idea that a 40-year old with an OPS+ of negative sixty-thousand would help them win the NL West.

Regardless, Giambi is on his way back to the Majors, and what better way to celebrate than to equate him to Bible stories. Hooray! Today's Dugout is below.

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The Dugout: Ernie Banks On It

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-26T19:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: PEDs, MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

As it turns out, Hall of Famer Ernie Banks is pretty good at whatever he tries to do. His newest hobby is trying to unite the new Cubs management with Sammy Sosa, the Killer Croc-esque former slugger who is constantly amazed by how real something is and who once hit over 60 home runs in a season. Banks is urging Sosa to come clean about his use of performance enhancing drugs a la Mark McGwire, but what Ernie is not taking into consideration is that Sammy is bat-plop insane.

Today's Dugout is below, and in case you were wondering, it is so real.

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The Dugout: Thome In Minnesota

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-25T15:30:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

I swear I don't have a Google Alert or anything, but it turns out that free agent slugger and The Dugout favorite Jim Thome could be picked up by the Minnesota Twins, putting him back in the American League and AL Central where he belongs. Thome made his home in Cleveland from 1991-2002 and in Chicago from 2006-2009 before spending the end of last season as a big fat Juan Pierre in Los Angeles.

Thome only needs 36 home runs to reach the 600 home run milestone, and if he has to inadvertently bench a couple of outfielders and strike out 400 times to do it, so be it. Good to (hopefully) have you back, Jim. Today's Dugout is be

below.

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The Dugout: Fisk of Legend

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-21T16:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: PEDs, MLB, The Dugout

Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk spoke out this week against Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, the current generation of steroid-enhanced baseball players, and young people in general. Fisk's ability to make a reasoned, educated point while still managing to sound like a complete condescending d-bag puts him right at home with today's post-print media writers. I haven't read the entire interview, but I'm going to guess that near the end he calls McGwire "overrated" and refers to the slugger's 583 home runs as "underwhelming" and "fundamentally broken."

Today's Dugout follows. And if you don't like it? Excuuuuuuse me.

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The Dugout: A Day in the Life of a Yankees Fan

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-19T16:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

According to reliable sources (a female politician), former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is a fan of the New York Yankees. I have no other choice but to believe her. We already know he isn't a fan of the Orioles, Astros, Phillies, or Diamondbacks.

True or not (it is not, this entire thing is supposed to be facetious... Yankees fans have not read this far and will comment about it anyway), these are serious allegations to force upon one of baseball's most magical players. This guy has a dirty sock in the Hall of Fame, for God's sakes. But operating under the idea that it is true (again, she is an idiot, and it is not), we have to ask ourselves, "why?"

Today's Dugout chronicles a day in the life of Curt Schilling, the biggest New York Yankees fan in the whole world.

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The Dugout: Albert Pujols Testifies Before Senate Committee

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-18T18:30:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: PEDs, MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout, Fake News

As it turns out, Jose Canseco was right. Everybody who has ever played baseball is or was on steroids. Yep, your hero was on steroids too. So was mine. I'm sure Cal Ripken Jr. made it to some of those consecutive games by shooting something into his butt cheek and Hulking Up. It isn't great, but it's par for the course at this point, and as the announcements become more and more frequent we just have to start being grownups on the Internet about it.

That being said, I don't think that Albert Pujols is on steroids. I also think that he's really as old as he says he is, and that if I wish hard enough a dead fairy can come back to life. Today's Dugout follows.

Oh, and by the way, daily Dugout start back up today. Enjoy, and for God's sakes tell people to get in here and read them.

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The Dugout: McGwire and LaRussa Play Scrabble

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-12T20:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: PEDs, MLB, The Dugout

In case you haven't heard the big baseball news, Metallica frontman James Hetfield had an hour-long conversation with Bob Costas in which he admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. He also admitted that "Reload" was a really awful album.

But seriously, Mark McGwire waited until a month after Christmas to talk about the present. It's the most shocking development since Sammy Sosa admitted to using performance enhancing drugs, Alex Rodriguez admitted to using them, and Jose Canseco suddenly started floating in yoga position and ascending to the stars.

Today's Dugout is about Scrabble. Congratulations, Oli Scarff of Getty images, you took a picture of a board game!

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The Dugout: Backhanded Compliment

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-11T17:15:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: Celebrity Boxing, MLB, The Dugout

Blind Item! Which Los Angeles Dodger was spotted canoodling with a pop princess at Italian eatery Il Ristorante di Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica, California? Sources say that the two lovebirds groped their mutual tree branch and didn't stop to come up for air! Someone send out an "SOS!"

Dear God I'm terrible at that. I didn't even get far enough to call Matt Kemp something asinine like "The Heartful Dodger." Anyway, he and "Hard" to listen to Rihanna are a couple. Or they're just good friends. Or he's her "beau." Her "boytoy." She's his "galpal." Hey the next time you see Steve Kmetko walking down the street, kick him in his heart.

Today's Dugout follows.

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The Dugout: Unit of Measurement

B. Thompson Stroud — 2010-01-07T10:35:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

In terms of pitchers who have been great since I was eight years old, Randy Johnson is one of the very best. His accomplishments speak for themselves, and the announcement of his retirement on Tuesday puts a life lived for baseball into perspective. There may never be another pitcher like The Big Unit, unless there is some mirror universe where Ben McDonald grew a mustache and stopped being horrible and disappointing for five seconds.

Who would vote against Randy Johnson for the Hall of Fame? I don't know, but somebody will. Today's Dugout presupposes, why?

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The Dugout: Jason Bay Plays For Passion

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-29T23:45:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

In an attempt to improve their struggling pitching staff, the New York Mets have given $66 million dollars to a mid-.200s outfielder who spent what seemed like sixty years playing for the Pirates before fading into the white-out of Boston. Yes, Jason Bay is headed to the National League. He will be playing next season in Citi Field, where he can enjoy Daruma of Tokyo Sushi while people boo him for striking out.

Now the only thing left to do this offseason is to have Matt Holliday wake up in the middle of the night, turn on his bedside lamp, and say "hey you know what? I'd really like to play for the Nationals." Tonight's Dugout is below. High fives!

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The Dugout Predicts Monday Night Raw

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-21T16:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: Pro Wrestling, MLB, The Dugout

New York Yankees left fielder Johnny Damon is scheduled to "host" tonight's episode of WWE Raw. Having watched wrestling (or sports-entertaining) for as long as I have, I've used my keen sense of observation and third-grade education to start figuring out what's going to happen before it happens. To fully enjoy today's Dugout, read it before 9PM EST, then watch the actual show. If I have not predicted Raw with a 2% margin of error, I will eat my shoe. Also, I will enjoy wrestling for the first time in forever.

Today's Dugout follows. Oh, and a spoiler for tonight's main-event: Cena wins.

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The Dugout: A-Rod Fine, Says Doctor

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-17T22:30:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

Here is great news for fans of 29 teams in Major League Baseball: a check-up reveals the wonderful news that third baseman Alex Rodriguez requires no surgery on his hip and will be at 100% for presumably the rest of his life. Remember back at the beginning of the season where he was all worried about PED allegations and people were making threats to him and he had a weird body problem that looked like it might keep him out forever? And then remember how he came back and hit 2,000 home runs and when the playoffs started and we expected him to turn back into Alex Rodriguez he just kept plowing through our hopes and dreams and the Yankees won the World Series?

No, I don't remember those things either. Maybe next year will be Opposites Year. Tonight's Dugout follows.

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The Dugout: Baseball Stars

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-15T23:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

The Seattle Mariners are turning it around, folks. Two years ago they lost 100 games with a $100 million payroll. Last season they improved to 85-77, and this offseason they're one of a few teams going out of their way to make their presence felt. They are trading, signing, and transacting more than a character from Jersey Shore. With a few more roster shakeups they could be looking at a contender. Or hey, at least we could have a different AL West team losing in the playoffs from time to time.

Their first big move was acquiring Arwin-from-The-Suite-Life-quality utilityman Chone Figgins to satiate their need for a power hitter. The next step is adding my personal favorite baseball player Cliff Lee in an attempt to have him play baseball as far away from me geographically as possible. Step three: something involving the moose. Step four: PROFIT!

These issues and more in tonight's Dugout.

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The Dugout: Bay Bye

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-12T23:35:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

In "teams I wish would would huddle together closely and jump off a cliff" news, Boston Red Sox left fielder Jason Bay has turned down a sixty-million dollar deal from the club to explore his options in free agency. His agent says that there are already better offers on the table, so that was my starting point. Then I image searched Jason Bay's agent, vomited out loud for about twenty-five minutes, and the whole Dugout process changed.

But anyway, Jason Bay is better than your average outfielder and therefore will be carried around the parks next year in a golden chariot filled with dubloons. These entitled athletes, am I right? Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Or below, I guess, because you can't read this from the main page anymore.

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The Dugout: Baseball Is An Obligation

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-09T23:45:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, The Dugout

The Associated Press (my finishing hold if I ever become a newspaper-themed professional wrestler) reports that Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland would rather concede to the judgment of a first base umpire than go through the trouble of walking all the way out there and moving all of those limbs and saying all of those words. Thanks a lot, slowest baseball news day ever. What, did Sammy Sosa's nephew not rob a magic shop or something? Is someone at the Associated Press doing an article for their high school newspaper? Did Tiger Woods only reveal seven new mistresses today?

Regardless, my job as a comedy blogger is to comedically blog about the news, and this is what constitutes news. Tomorrow's Dugout: Manny Acta would rather pee standing up than have to sit on the cold toilet rim.

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The Dugout: Good Parenting Has Nothing To Do With Barry Bonds

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-08T23:45:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

On Saturday morning, 19-year old Nikolai Bonds was arrested under suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon after arguing with his mother, then throwing a doorknob at her. This is a very serious issue, raising questions about the role of a parent in disciplining a child, the terror of a woman being physically abused at all, much less by their own son, and the further degradation of a generation of rich, egocentric teenagers. However, adding "Barry Bonds" to the equation makes it ridiculous and hilarious, and you start asking yourself questions like "does Barry shoot his kid up with HGH and that is why he is a crazed monster" and "how big is Nikolai's head going to be in 2025."

Nikolai was not only arrested for suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, but for suspicion of assault and battery, vandalism, false imprisonment (for not letting his mother leave the house), and obstructing and resisting an officer. Note: Miley Cyrus getting a tattoo under her boob could've been a hell of a lot worse.

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The Dugout: Association.

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-12-02T22:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

On Wednesday, the MLB Players' Association voted unanimously to approve the selection of General Counsel Michael Weiner as their Executive Director, effective immediately. Weiner has years of experience and is excited to do a great job despite always looking like he's wearing some kind of weird rubber mask.

Weiner has a lot of ideas to help Major League Baseball, such as an expanded and contracted playoff structure, a regulation of draft procedures, and riding around in a huge car shaped like a hot dog. Whatever he does will be an improvement over former director Donald Fehr, who ushered in the new era of leadership by allowing everyone he knows to do tons and tons of drugs.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. But before you jump, be sure to vote repreatedly and often for Amandah P. and her superfluous H as 2010 Phillies ballgirl.

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The Dugout: Larry, Did You Know?

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-11-30T20:30:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

Before we get to what you'll need to know to enjoy tonight's Dugout, do me a favor and head on over to the Phillies fan forum and vote for my friend Amandah so she can be a 2010 Phillies ball girl. It takes 0.0005 seconds to vote. If you need more information as to why she's getting support from the Dugout, watch her interview video and listen to the part where she named a Build-A-Bear dog "Chase Mutley." I think your vote for Amandah could be a real "home run." /makes home run gesture

Okay, what you need to know about tonight's Dugout: Christmas is coming up soon, some Christmas songs are ridiculously melodramatic, and absolutely nothing is happening otherwise. Additional information includes, "tonight's Dugout is after the jump."

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The Dugout: Sizemore Matters

B. Thompson Stroud — 2009-11-29T23:00:00 00:00

by B. Thompson Stroud

Filed under: MLB, Backporch Features, The Dugout

As if Cleveland needed something else embarrassing to happen, Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore, known around Progressive Field as "our only remaining good player," has undertaken his own Tila Tequila-esque nude photo scandal. The good news is that the pictures are only semi-nude, and that he's the kind of guy women want to see in his underwear anyway. Not like Jim Thome is having a nude photo scandal or something. The bad news is that this is the first time the Indians have made news since April.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Warning: tonight's Dugout contains mature subject matter. Well, maybe not "mature."

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